Me and my ex ended our relationship fairly mutually, and regretfully, in September this year. We had been together around a year.
We had the bumpiest of starts. I had PTSD from sexual assault, and he had just left a 5 year relationship where she cheated on him for two months (and the day he left moved the other man in!). We both didn't want a relationship - we just really liked each other. And then obviously, we grew closer and it stopped being about sex and more about how much we "clicked", and the whole "I think I'm falling for you" to "i love you" happened slowly, but surely.
He was a lovely boyfriend up until the last month. I never believed in soulmates until I met him. The comfort of knowing you're "home" when you're with someone overwhelmed me. He was a complete rock to me with the mental health issues.
In the last month something in us both changed. He became distant and withdrawn, I began bickering with him. I had forgiven him for a previous incident a month before (not cheating, but lying), but I didnt really let it go. It bigged up my insecurities and made me clingy. I constantly wanted to spend time with him and felt unsafe on my own in my flat. The more he pulled away, the more I followed him. He was having a complete mental breakdown, developed depression and hit the bottle (family history of alcohol). In the time when he was drunk he would treat me awfully. the whole last month is a blur of awfulness.
Anyway, we split up. He said he had rushed into a relationship that he wasnt ready for as he hadnt resolved his own issues - I agreed, and said my issues were ruining us too. Both couldn't give each other up for around a month and a half - he was still saying i love you, miss you, etc., stayed at his flat around 5 times since we split up, had sex, met for meals, coffees, had phone calls. We'd argue a little, but mostly nice stuff.
And this week, we've met up to exchange christmas gifts, he sends me christmas family pics, he's already asked to meet up in the week between new year and christmas.
At the meal he was saying how when he misses me, he reminds himself that he "can't have me" - because he treated me so badly for a month, he said he regrets losing me, he said he thinks of me everyday and struggles not to contact me all the time. But again, we both agreed the last month was awful, and we had our own shit to sort out.
I am in a much better place (still a bit of work to do), I have a new therapist and have a new career. I feel myself lifting from depression - I feel happy almost!! But I just feel like there's a missing part of my life. I'm still madly in love with my ex. There's no one else involved with either of us. The way we're acting confuses me.
Shall I just tell him I love him, I don't want friendship, and if we're both in a better place to try again?