Please help...any advice welcome! Late 20s, zero libido and struggling with body image

[Tulip292]

Hi Ladies,

I’m in my late twenties and have recently got engaged and so I’m in a very happy relationship.
The only problem is I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my fiancé, which I know (understandably) is really getting to him. This isn’t a new issue, the last couple of years have been this way - at first I thought it was an effect of the pill I was on as I had other problems with it - but I’ve now been off this for around 18months and haven’t seen much improvement in my libido at all.
It sounds really strange but I don’t feel the need to have sex, I don’t miss it but I do miss the closeness with him which as a consequence has diminished.
I think a lot of it stems from the fact I absolutely hate the way I look, I have been unhappy with my weight for many years but despite joining weight watchers/slimming world and taking up running and the gym I don’t seem to be able to drop more that 5lbs. Then I get upset with this and then eat crap again. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m currently under a dietician for some digestive issues and so I do follow a healthy diet.
I know I’m being irrational as I’m a size 12-14 and that’s by no means a “big” size but I’m just desperately unhappy. I can’t bring myself to even be in my underwear in front of my fiancé. Any time we do have sex has to be under the covers, with the lights off and even then I struggle with the fact that I’m naked.
I just wondered if there’s anyone else out there who has really struggled with intimacy and sex with their partner in what should be a really exciting time in our relationship. Everything else in the relationship is really good, we make time to go out on date nights, our wedding is booked and we have a lovely home. I feel really ungrateful for feeling this way but it’s been going on for so long I feel like something must be wrong with me!
I’ve had thyroid function tests etc in the past which have all come back fine, and I’m no longer on any contraception so there’s nothing obvious with my health that’s causing the problem.
I’d really appreciate any advice or suggestions from any of you lovely people who might be able to help me out with this.

Thanks so much xx

You obviously have low self esteem and I wonder if you have a form of body dysmorphia. These feelings of disliking your body can have the affect of reducing your libido.
This happened to a good friend of mine some years ago. She did not seek help and consequently her marriage broke down, her two teeange sons chose to live with their father (instead of their crazy mother) so she lost her home. She was a size 10-12 and not a pick of fat yet she had serious body issues.
Which also manifested in other problems.
Things may get worse over time not better. I suggest you seek advice and counselling as soon as possible.

Sorry spelling is wrong meant Dysphoria

Are you on anybody hormonal contraceptives? Just a thing to consider. If you are take a google at hormonal contraception, smell and sex drive.

It might not have anything to do with it but don't just out it down to weight gain, although of course it could be your self image and esteem.

Sorry! Ignore me! I read again the last lines of your post. Do you exercise? I've never felt better since started lifting heavy weights. I was a size 12, heavy round the hips and hated to be touched. Since then I've dropped a dress size and feel much More confident.

Apologies again!

Have you ever been really into him sexually? It could just be that you're not compatible in that way. You could be blaming yourself for all these possible health/psychological reasons but actually you may just not be attracted to him in the right way. It's easy to feel self conscious being naked around someone if you're a little low on confidence but in my experience when you have a burning desire to tear someone's clothes off and they make you feel fantastic, those feelings don't really take ahold to the extent that you're experiencing.

Thanks Poshindevon I’ve had a friend suggest similar issues around body dysmorpia too. I couldn’t sleep at all last night with all this playing on my mind, so went onto my GPs website and booked an appointment for early Jan to discuss. It’s been going on for so long now I think I really do need to talk to someone about it before it gets worse like you say.

pudding21 thanks for your reply. Yes I exercise regularly, I try to swim and gym 2-3times a week, attend a couple of classes and also try to fit in a run (although I’ve been rubbish at this since the weather turned cold and wet!).
I do enjoy the gym and used to lift weights but I haven’t done this consistently for a couple of years now. I’ll see if I can ask my gym to create a programme for me to follow as I need some kind of structure in my workouts, I think that’s why my gym routine isn’t working for me at the moment as I just turn up and do some random exercises.

justwantafreshstart thank you also for taking the time to reply. When we were first together we had sex most days and we’re very compatible then. However I was feeling more confident as I was at my lowest ever weight and felt good for it. That’s said, I wasn’t able to maintain it as all I ate was salads/lean meat and veg and spent 2hrs at the gym 6 days a week. I got a bit lazy when we got into the relationship and I also love food a bit too much!! Clearly I need to find a happy balance somewhere!xx