How to help a friend in a rubbish situation?

[teaandakitkat]

My lovely friend's partner is horrible to her. Speaks to her terribly, makes her cry, says horrible things about her. She freely tells me what he says and how it makes her feel.

But what do I say to her?

At first when she was saying 'Joe said the dinner I cooked last night was terrible and I am a terrible cook and I cried' I used to come up with similar stories of when dh wasn't very complimentary about what I'd cooked, as if to make her feel better. But I realise this is not a good thing to do. My dh would never make me cry, it's just not the same at all and amounts to me saying her horrible partner's behaviour is somehow ok.

She was telling me something last week, something had got knocked over in the house and she cleaned it up. But he found out about it and started going on about how terrible, careless, useless etc she is.
I just said "You know he's full of shit, don't you? You know none of this stuff he is saying about you is true, don't you? This is not who you are at all" and she just made excuses for him about how the house being perfect is important to him etc etc.

I think she knows he is not good for her, I'm pretty sure she knows I think he is horrid and she should leave him. But I don't feel I can come out and say it. I almost did one time before when things were terrible between them, then the next week they'd had 'a good chat' and everything was fine between them again. So I feel I can't be too horrible about him.

But what exactly do you say when your friend is telling you yet again about how her partner is making her cry? Do you try to help her see that what he is saying is not true? Do you just come out and say that you think he's horrible and she should leave? Or does that just turn her against me when she is still loyal to him right now?

They have kids as well and they copy the way he speaks to her, it's awful. They are not married and he owns the house and would not be generous to her at all if she left him so it's all a big mess.

Hi OP

I am in a rubbish situation like that of your friend and I would love one of my friends to just tell me to leave and I deserve better.

You know your friend best but for me it may help me confirm what I already know instead of wondering if it’s just me.

Hope that helps, good luck, you sound like a great friend

“She freely tells me what he says and how it makes her feel.”

I wonder if she’s telling you because she wants you to tell her to leave him? Almost like she needs permission to go. Or to hear that you’d support her.

Could you talk to her about the practicalities and see if she’s thought those through / it’s those that are keeping her with him? E.g. how much maintenance she’d get, where they’d live etc? He might not be generous but (if they’re his kids), she’s entitled to financial support from him. If she sees it’s possible, she might think again.

I think I'd ask her what she'd say to you if the situations were reversed?

Then I'd ask her f she wants you to be honest? If she says yes then do it1

Then I'd tell her that you'd like to help her to work out what to do next i.e. hopefully how to leave

I might also, after that, email her some links to informations around emotional abuse

Sorry, very disjointed typing. You get my drift

It's really hard because you don't want to alienate her. Similarly, it would be shit if she said to him "Tea thinks it's wrong too" because that might cause more trouble.

Also, is it a phase? My DH and I were wretched to each other the year he worked abroad. Weekends were just backbiting and jibing at each other. Since then everything's been great - it's just something we had to go through.

I think the pp's idea that you say do you want me to be honest? And go from there... she is in a weak position due to being not married so I wouldn't expect her to be clear on what she wants to or should do. I feel for you, I can imagine feeling very stressed in your situation. You are a good friend.

I might also, after that, email her some links to informations around emotional abuse

I think if I mentioned emotional abuse, even though that's clearly what it is, she would run a mile. She's not there yet.

And it would be shit if she told him I was being horrible about him. I think maybe she might say something because she is still loyal to him right now. That's why it's such a fine line.

I feel in myself I have to challenge what he says to her, I have to tell her that it's not true when he says she's a terrible person. I have to tell her that her is wrong. I can't listen to her say that to me and say nothing back. But maybe that's the wrong thing to do, I'm not sure.

What a mess. I worry so much for her over the holidays.

Nevergiveupdreaming you should leave. You are worth more than being stuck in a rubbish situation.
Someone being emotionally abusive to you is so much harder to accept that physical abuse. It's less black and white. But it's just as damaging. You look after yourself, your post makes me feel really sad.

It took one honest friend of mine to tell me my boyfriend at the time was an absolute nightmare. He was! Everyone else was far too nice and forgiving about him. It was that that spurred me on to leave him. He was a complete dick and my friend that day gave me a real gift with that one comment!

I have a close friend in a similar situation. At first I responded like you but as time has gone on I've just become totally direct with her, telling her that he's a complete dick and she can do so much better, pointing out when he's trying to manipulate her and mess with her head and at times I've pointed out how badly this is affecting her teenage daughter who is going off the rails as a consequence of first her father's abuse of her mother and now this man's crap treatment.

She will agree with me, she will say the right things but she is not able to do anything about it. She doesn't value herself enough to believe she deserves better, again something I've pointed out. I'm really out of answers now. I get all angry on her behalf and worry about her but then nothing ever changes.

What I did was listen a lot. Then told her that she and her DD deserve better. Then advised her on the benefits websites and her legal rights,she tried to leave before but backed down when her twat told her all about how she would have to move out,get a council flat who knows where,uproot her daughter from friends and school etc.
Supported her in going back to work with childcare when needed and encouragement.
And lastly,told her if it ever comes to it she's more than welcome to my sofa.
She hasn't left yet,but she's prepared for when it comes to it. More importantly she's more confident and less willing to put up with the shit and the abuse.

This isn’t ‘a rubbish situation’ - losing your job or spraining your ankle is - this is abuse.

Tell your friend she needs to leave, she doesn’t deserve the abuse, and that you realise that’s hard and will be there for her whenever she needs you.

If she tells him then so be it.

I had a friend in this situation. I never said anything but we drifted apart as friends because I couldn’t bear to spend time with her horrible partner. They split up eventually (when he cheated on her), but I do regret not saying something.

I would ask her to hold s mirror up to him.

Ask her what her reaction to him would be if he’d done what she’d done?

She needs to see for herself how wide of the mark he is and how he’s not treating her as if he loves her.