dh vs. my parents...

[geekgrrl]

dh can be a very awkward bloke sometimes, he's terribly particular about some stuff (used to have hissy fits when the tea towel didn't hang in it's rightful place, that kind of thing) and has always had problems with my parents and how they do certain stuff. My parents live in Germany so when they come to see us they stay for a long weekend, sometimes longer - they're here for two weeks now to help me with the three children. dh has problems with all sorts of stuff they do - little things like not instantly wiping runny noses even though they have noticed it (because dd2 or ds then wipe snot all over their face & hair), they also tend to think that the children are 'making a fuss' rather than be genuinely hurt/upset and laugh it off when they cry. This is a real problem with dd2 who has SN and very little speech - her only means of communicating hurt/anger/upset is by having a tantrum at the moment, so it's not nice when my parents just laugh it off. One thing my mother does that really irritates the hell out of dh is (get this!) going 'mmmmh!' again and again, really over the top and loudly when we have our meals - even the ones without the children. She only does this when dh has cooked and I suppose he feels patronized or something. Anyway, he has now told me that he will move out if my mum goes 'mmmmmmh' at mealtimes again. He has been complaining about it for years and seems to have reached his limit. I asked my mum to stop doing it last night as it annoys dh and she cried.
Have been feeling like a total sh*t ever since and told dh that he can tell her other stuff himself - I'm not doing his dirty work for him anymore.
Dh gets upset about every little thing they do and it's so nervewracking. He's constantly in a bad/"silent" mood and it's driving me crazy - every time my parents come to stay it's like this. My parents are really nice people, they do try to help out a bit much and still treat me like a child at times but it doesn't bother me - however, it drives dh up the wall. I feel so terrible about dh's behaviour - they have helped us out so much in the past and are always extremely generous with their money and their time - they both work f/t in high-profile jobs but always make time to come and see us. I'm being torn in two here and don't know how to solve it. I like peace and find it easy to let things go, unlike dh.....
help.

Can he not see that these things are actually his problem as opposed to your parents needing to change? He needs to learn to deal with it as people arent always going to behave the exact way you want them to and part of being a family is accepting each other with the annoying traits.
Has he always been this way? Has he tried to do something about it before?

You poor thing, it must be awful for you stuck in the middle. I don't think you should have to be the one to hurt your parents feelings here. Your dh is big enough to fight his own battles, like you say, let him say if he is annoyed about something, but really, your parents are a different generation, of course they'll make mistakes, it doesn't mean they don't love you does it? Your dh sounds like he needs to chill out a bit and relax around other people. Your parents have come a long way to see/help you and he needs to put other people's feelings before his own once in a while! Good luck

If these things are the worst thing that your dh can find to moan about your parents he should count him self blooming lucky!! Your parents have come over from Germany to help you out with the kids (do you a favour) and rather than thank them he wants to moan that they dont wipe the kids noses quick enough!!! It is a great thing that they are so willing to be involved and a miracle that they tollerate your dh.
And as for the mmmmmmh - sounds like she is trying (too hard) to compliment your dh cooking. He probably creates such an atmosphere that she feels like she has to go over the top. Honestlyu he is making a mountain out of a mole hill and should count his lucky stars that he is married to a nice, laid back person like you - because to be honest I would wipe the floor with ANYBODY (even dh) that treated my parents like this.

Like you said - let him fight his own bloody battles and spend some time trying to make your mum feel better after making her cry.

reread my post - I didnt mean to sound harsh towards you geekgrrl. You are a saint to have juggled this situation. I hope that it works out to some sort of compromise

he's always been like this and totally overanalyzes my poor parents' behaviour - everything they do he interpretes as 'lack of respect' for me, or him, or the children. He's a really uptight person anyway in a lot of ways (he does have many good points too and on a day-to-day basis I can handle him and his oddities). Part of the problem is the language barrier, dh doesn't speak German and often feels left out when my parents are here, although my parents speak quite good English and we make an effort to stick to English when dh is with us. Dh says he really likes my parents and feels like a total sh*t now, too. Don't think it'll last long, though....

geekgrrl, do you think that he is envious of the relationship that you have with your parents. It sounds like you are quite close, maybe this puts his nose out of joint and this is his way of lashing out?

Have to say it does sound like jealous and a bit of control freakery on his part.

Think you need to tell him that whilst your parents are here he needs to put up and shut up, are his folks perfect guests?

umm he sounds like he has the problem
Sorry... hard to be in the middle of but that's how it appears...
good luck petal

All I can offer is big hugs and loads of empathy.
I have a similar problem with my dh and parents too. It's horrible, stressful and unfair. My attitude has become one of resignation and accepting that they are all how they are and I don't think it'll ever change. I have tried to make them all see that in the end I'm the one getting hurt the most by it all. Dh tries harder these days but it's still horrible, stressful and awful when we see them. We moved a sofa into our bedroom last time my parents visited so dh could have his own space to retreat to for the duration of the visit.
I really hope that you can get your situation sorted out a bit. It's so unfair isn't it!

I might be getting the wrong end of the stick here so I apologise sincerely in advance.

Do you think there may be something like what I have written below going on here?. It may well be an underlying cause for his behaviour.

Some of the things you write about your DH strike me as him being and showing obsessive/compulsive traits (the silent moods, tea towel not being in the right place, the reaction your Mum gets when she says mmmmmmmh). I write this as some of his behavioural traits could be pointing towards something like this. This is a recognised disorder and is called OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). It can be treated through measures like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

Apologies again if I am getting the wrong end of the stick.

Firstly, poor you, what a rotten situation.

I would be inclined to be pretty tough minded about this, but that's because my mother died a few years ago and I have no real relationship with my stepfather (nor my Dad as he disappeared when I was 4).

Your parents sound fabulous, and what a wonderful thing it is to have them in your and your childrens' lives.

It's not nice to think about, but they won't be around forever. Your dh needs to realise that you don't want to spend what should be special time with your parents, stressing about his attitude and behaviour, plus being pushed into making your mother cry.

Life REALLY IS too short. I have learnt this through bitter experience.

Tell your dh that while his children's lovely grandparents are still on this earth, a live and let live attitude is what is needed. Plus a bunch of flowers for your Mum.

just a quickie, will post again tomorrow morning whenI have time & privacy, thank you so much for the responses. Will reply in the morning.

o geekgrrl, what a horrible situation. my dp doesnt like my family much, but he makes the effort to get on with them, even though my mum and sis are always saying horrible things about him

if it really upsets him, he should say something rather than letting you do all the dirty work. you're not his mum after all and im sure he can take care of himself (sorry if i sound a bit off!). Your parents sound great for coming all the way from Germany to help you out, and I think he should respect that at least.

I think (although I could be wrong) that he may be like this because he would rather it just be you, him and the children. Maybe he feels that your parents are "imposing" and I put it in "" as Im not sure what the actual word is that Im looking for. Sorry if I havent made much sense

I agree that it seems to be your DH's problem, you shouldn't do his dirty work and he may need something like CBT. However, your loyalty is now to your DH and not your parents so your relationship with him is more important, its just a shame that there's such a conflict although not unusual ime. Is it a good idea to have them stay with you for 2 weeks? Neither of us could have tolerated that with either sets of parents I'm afraid and my mum also does that mmmmmm thing! How can it really be a help to you if its causing so much trouble? Although maybe it is for much of the time if he's at work all day and they are helping you while the kids are on holiday. Maybe he'll learn something by feeling awful for making your mum cry but, I have to say that in the future I would try to resolve the conflict by considering CBT for him and maybe you could take the kids to them and leave him at home with his straight tea towels! or they could spend some of their trip staying elsewhere? Sorry if this is crap advice, spontaneous stream of consciousness!

hello again - dh made a real effort this weekend and kept out of the way (rebuilding the computer so I was left without mumsnet! ).
He has tried very hard to be civil. What really p*sses him off with my mum now is that she just loves giving out unwanted child raising advice, and she's one of those folks who believe that children do things for power struggle/manipulative reasons which really galls him (and me but I just sort of rise above it). My mum's a director of education and in charge of primary schools, so she think she's a complete authority on everything to do with little kids.
My parents obviously think dh has turned into a nutter and just tread on eggshells around him.
I think dh would really benefit from CBT, he's a total pain in the neck with some stuff and his reactions can be completely OTT - but I don't think he'd be up for it.
My parents are staying for two weeks because it's such a long drive & expensive ferry crossing, and dh works in London now 4 days a week and stays down there. We've had equally 'fun' times with them visiting before at really choice moments and with dh being at home full time, such as when I was heavily pregnant, or even better yet when ds was two days old.
Anyway, thanks for the replies - feels good to offload it.

Shame geekgrrl, I was hoping you'd say they come from somewhere you get fly to for tuppence on Ryan Air or Easyjet. Mind you, of course they should be able to come and visit you but needs must sometimes. Maybe you could find a bit out about CBT and try some techniques on him! There must be websites or even some MN experts Unfortunately the older generation do like to give advice on bringing up children and its so hard not to point out where they went wrong!! Hope things get better.