Help me with my lovely but difficult MIL, please!

[TeamEponine]

My MIL is very well meaning, she adores DH (only child), me and our DD. I really believe that she is a good person who would not do anything to intentionally hurt or upset us, but...

We are spending Christmas together and I really want it to be a lovely time. It will be a few days and we haven't seen her for over a year as last time she visited I snapped at her and she got upset. We usually get on well, but there are a few things that I find really difficult to deal with and I really want to deal with them in a calm way over Christmas as I'm horrified that I snapped at her and upset her.

She is incredibly high anxious and deals with this by planning everything down to the smallest detail, and cannot cope with any change to her plans. I understand why she is like this. It is a coping mechanism that she developed to cope with a traumatic childhood and some very difficult periods in her adult life. However, I'm incredibly independent and really bad at being told what to do. I snapped at her when she told me I should take a nap, I said I didn't want to, she insisted (it was well intentioned - DD wasn't sleeping well at the time and was napping, but I was really looking forward to watching a film with her and DH and having some adult time), I snapped and said I wasn't a child, I can decide when to sleep, etc...

There are also some cultural and language issues. DH isn't British and comes from a very different culture where the parents tend to be very involved in their children's lives and finances. I come from a family where we might talk about finances, but we would never explicitly ask or demand to know stuff, let alone try to dictate financial decisions. So when I am quizzed about our finances or she tries to tell us what we should do, I react badly. Again, she is well intentioned, she wants us to be financially secure, but she tries to tell us what to do and doesn't listen to our responses. Her English isn't great, which makes all of this rather more complicated.

95% of the time we get on fantastically, but the 5% of the time where we clash, we clash really badly.

DH and I have talked about this lots, and he totally agrees with me over the way she is, has tried to talk to her about it, but he is at a loss over how to deal with it too. He tends to either get frustrated and walk away, or he blows up at her.

She really is a lovely woman, and I admire her greatly, but I find it so hard to deal with the strict plans she sets and the intrusion into our finances.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to deal with this situation?

Sorry, this is soooo long! If you go to here, thanks

So far it's ok. I'm just being calm but firm. One comment so far about us needing a bigger house. I responded with "yes, I can't wait to get a bigger house, but not yet" and changed the subject. Survived our first meal with the obligatory attempts at force feeding! Again, I was just calm and firm. Told DD to put anything she didn't like on granny's plate, which ended up being entertaining. MIL putting food on DDs plate, and DD moving it straight back!

I'm not sure it's a cultural thing at all in view of what you've said about her traumatic childhood. That sounds similar to my DM. She also had a traumatic childhood, having been orphaned at 10 and then abused by the uncle who was her guardian afterwards. My childhood was then similarly traumatic but that's another thread.

The point I'm making is that I've gone very low contact with my DM, as DH and I are absolutely sick of her attempts to control our lives; my DH has noticed how often she treats me like a child, and our DDs as if they were her children too rather than mine and DH's. I've stood up to her now, but it's a tough pattern to break.

I've realised that my DM is unlikely to change, now she's 78 years old. It may be different with your MIL, but it still won't be easy.

@TeamEponine

I can't get past you snapping at your MIL/having a row with her last Christmas, and then you and your DH not seeing her for a whole year !

Poor woman. She can't help the way she is, she only has one son and one grandchild, and they don't bother trying to make amends, and sort things with her; even though they KNOW she had a traumatic childhood, she is from a different culture, and her son, DIL and grand-daughter are probably all she has got.

I fail to have any sympathy with you OP. I do however have a great deal for your MIL. Maybe you can work harder this coming year on being more understanding and not snapping at her, and cutting her out of your lives for a year. No matter what spats we have had with our parents, we would never ever cut them out of our lives for a year. Life is too short, and parents are not there forever. And your husband is as bad as you for cutting her out for a year too.

I am not saying she is perfect, and can probably be a PITA, and you need to lay some rules down about her interfering in your finances, but we can all be a PITA and annoy our loved ones. The way you and your DH have treated your MIL, by not seeing her for a year, and depriving her of seeing her son and DIL and grand daughter for a year is just cruel.

You say she is 'lovely.' Doesn't sound much like you think that at all!

I think some pp on here have been well ott. Did they miss the bit about mil’s severe anxiety/traumatic childhood and her wishing to discuss certain topics being cultural? Why explode, OP? You sound intolerant.

If she persistently tries to control/discuss, a simple ‘We’re not discussing that/that’s no-one’s business but ours/no, that doesn’t work for me’ repeatedly used will work, but I get the feeling that no matter what she says, you’ll bite her head off for it.

Olive - you are being quite hard on me. We normally see her twice a year due to the distance. She said no to visiting us and we can't afford to fly here twice in one year. So it was her choice to not visit and see us for a year. During that year we Skype for at least one hour every weekend and DH speaks to her once or twice a week on top of that. So we have not limited her access to us in anyway. She chose not to visit us, but yes, possibly because I snapped at her. That is exactly why I came on her for advice to heal the rift. So perhaps back off a little?

Anyway, things are going ok so far.

If it gets tense I would change the subject to the real subject "MIL you are obviously very worried about our house/our car/our sprout situation. What is it that worries you about it?"

Get her talking about her underlying fears, after all you know that's what it really about. I would save this tool for the most tense moments.

Ok, trip is over, and it went quite well! Thanks to all those who have constructive advice.

I must admit to one mini-snap, but it came from a misunderstanding and I apologised afterwards.

DMIL raised our housing and finances once, just before we left. I just kindly but firmly said that we want the same thing as her, a bigger house, but that we have to wait for the right time and she needs to trust us that we are working towards it.

DH and I were chatting about why it went better this time. Partly I was calmer, partly DMIL wasn't insistently intrusive, but we think the biggest factor might be that we were on neutral ground (in a hotel over Christmas). So we are thinking of trying to meet up on holidays rather than just visiting each other.