What did MNers do to work on themselves emotionally to break unhealthy relationship patterns

[Ginny70]

By which I mean, I've read a lot on here about how people had to work out stuff from previous relationships, recent ones as well as ones with their original family. I read yesterday about 'wheel' of life, but I wondered if it would be helpful for people to put down here the tactics they tried/ the questions they asked themselves/ the CBT strategies or whatever, that helped them break old relationship patterns - even if those patterns were with themselves.

Asking for a friend ...

Psychodynamic psychotherapy, and now Jungian analysis (another form of one-to-one depth therapy). It has served me well. Takes time, but then my problems took time to manifest and take hold too.

I've had Jungian analysis and it did help. And I've also found the more practical flagging up of other people's behaviour by reading the threads on here, rather than singly focussing on my own stuff from way back, has helped me a great deal in the past week. For eg the idea of red flags was a useful one for me. I hadn't thought of it in those terms. A red flag would be debt for me. But I also started to think that another red flag for me was a man's comments about a particularly desirable part (for them) of another woman's body, which I clearly did not have, was also one for me. It's happened twice to me now, by 2 different blokes, 20 years apart (yes I'm that old!) (that I don't have a juicy arse). And I'm now trying to think of other red flags. And also wondering if I'm being too over sensitive. Though I just don't like that they said it to me or in front of me to other blokes.

Anyone else's red flags? I'm trying to be more aware of mine but it takes other people's comments for me to recognise my own.

And apart from red flags, what am I actually looking for.

And how to stop being attracted to pricks who do the above. That would be good

I agree - MN has been very useful in certain respects, and there are quite a few threads on "red flags" - you just need to do an advanced search, or google "red flags" and "mumsnet".

I've found that, because of my particular experience, much of my life has been working out what I don't want. The "what I do want" part is taking more time :)

I was lucky enough to be born into a reasonably straightforward family, and not to have had any abusive relationships, so ive learnt absolutely everything I know about this from the relationships board.

Mumsnet wasn't around when my husband left me 20 years ago, but the language of boundaries, 'red flags' and 'when people tell you who they are, listen' has stood me in good stead since.

Thankyou Dolores and Walkacross

That thing about 'when people tell you who they are, listen' resonated with me. I tried googling it with mumsnet, but didn't come up with anything. Do you mean, if they tell you they're a bit crazy, or their friends say they're a bit crazy, then they probably are a bit crazy?!

My Father was a emotionally abusive bully. He would constantly belittle our efforts and had no ability to empathise at all.
Consequently he almost finished me and my siblings off ( thoughts of suicide etc)
I went on a counselling course accidently ( it was connected to my job) and it changed my life. It was 'Person Centred ' type of counselling. It made me realise that 'it' were 'im' not me. I was so surprised and pleased.
It also gave me the skills of listening and defending myself. What a revelation.
I couldn't be a counsellor myself but I would recommend being counselled.

I had a similar parental experience Holeinmyheart. So great you had that counselling. When I did my therapy I began to realise how helping me with that stuff trickled down to other people - either from what I said or from how I managed them. Positive ripples I called it.

I began today to write down (I read it on a thread somewhere on here) what I'd liked about the people I'd had relationships with AND what I should've been more alert to. It started of a spiral of oh god I should've thought about that sooner (like the comments about my body earlier up on this thread - and I remembered more of those too - I felt so dumb). It's that stuff I'm trying to be more aware of so that I can be more alert to those 'red flags' the next time .... What Walkacross said about 'when people tell you who they are, listen' also started alarm bells ringing.

If anyone has any more of those red flag/ alarm things to think about/ look out for/ remember, do please help me/ all of us become more self-aware

It's not so much what other people say about them - it's more what they themselves say & do. We are often too good at making allowances/thinking 'nobody's perfect' etc, when a BF/GF is being rude/hostile/difficult - but if we frame it as 'they're telling me what they're really like - listen!!' we won't put up with as much crap, and our life will be happier as a result.

A big thing for me that I don’t see talked about much is body work. For me, slow mindful yoga helped me reconnect with my body (I had coped with abuse by cutting off from what I was physically experiencing and feeling). Just getting into different yoga postures, breathing deeply, and just being present with myself.

There are also for “trauma releasing exercises” and I bought a book about it and worked on it at home. It was an interesting read.

Not a lot of time so v quick post. NLP!

For me working on my own self awareness and putting healthy boundaries down of what I will and will not accept from anyone changed my life. I may have lost a few so called friends and even family members but the saying judge a person not by what they say but by what they do is a huge mantra for me.

Your words mean shit when your actions contradict!

The most self content I’ve ever been and gained far more than I’ve lost. Xx

Yes, Walkacross I get that. When I was younger I made all sorts of excuses for the way I was allowing others to treat me (not just in intimate relationships), and I realise now that has lessened over time. But it's been 20+ years! I suppose you 'hear' that it's horrible/ aggressive/ unloving language when you're ready to properly hear it. But if we can all hear that it is from as many different sources as possible (thank you Mumsnet), then it might speed the process up!

HipNewName I've no doubt that yoga can help - I have felt incredibly open - emotional - in yoga and, for that very reason rightly or wrongly I don't want to do it in a group of people I don't know. But that's just me: I would also definitely recommend it as a way of getting in touch with yourself. And I do wish I could because I can tell it's touched something in me.

That said I am generally thinking about 'health' and trying to learn about nutrition. Never been very good at that but it's part of loving oneself better, which I'm sure must mean that you are in a better position to not put up with rubbish from someone else - be it lover or work colleague!

BrakeBack is that Neurolinguistic programming? ?? If so, can you explain (when you've time) how it works? I've just googled it but am not sure if I got the right thing.

Zena1972 yes - I've been thinking about boundaries today. I've been wondering how to deal with Xmas and my extended family and they Definitely need handling [fhmmm] and yet also a couple of people (female friends - not enormously close ones) have been so so warm to me in recent days that I dont' know how to handle it . By which I mean reciprocate. Or perhaps I just accept it. But I dont' know how to do that without being incredibly infusive.

FFS. Wish I wasn't so OTT with the thinking.

There’s an interesting book by Stephen Cope called “yoga and the search for the true self” (or something like that). Your library might have it or be able to get it for you. The writer is a counselor who then became a yoga teacher, it’s a good read.

You could use your yoga mat at home, just taking 10 minutes or so to be quiet with yourself on the mat, getting into what ever postures you feel like, and just breathing. Just a thought.

Also, my favorite self help author is Louise Hay, and my favorite book of hers is “You can heal your life.”

Thanks HipNewName - I'll look those both up now.

True fact. I never understood until my arse of a 'DH' left. Just disappeared, and told the children immediately that he was 'never coming back'.
We were always sickeningly happy (so I thought), rarely argued, and often discussed how amazing we were together.

In retrospect, he'd always told me that he had walked away from very serious relationships, without much of a second thought.
One was an engagement. 5 weeks away from huge wedding. Argument about something ridiculous. He just walked out.
He said she was 'crazy', and gave her an appropriate nickname. His children (no kids from that relationship), used the same nickname for her.
She'd apparently had a breakdown following the
break up. Suicidal behaviour, etc.
I wonder why, poor woman.

It didn't sit easy with me, but I thought that we were different.

He told me who he was. He married me, then fucked off after I called him out on a lie. He gaslighted for a while, then went into 'poor me' mode. I made it clear that I was unwilling to accept lies, and tried to make him understand why I was angry.
I was committed to making it work, but I needed the issue to be addressed, discussed and resolved. He tried to brush it under the carpet with declarations of love. I needed more than that, and made it clear.

So he dropped off our DC at my parents', and fucked off. The end.

It broke me for a long time, until I realized that I was just a tile in a huge mosaic.
It broke the children, and I will never forgive him for that.

My DP is a gem. I grilled him on his relationship history, and he's just pragmatic about his past. No name calling, or twattery.

God thriceweed what a sod. I really hope with your love your DC will realise that he was one of a 'sort' a 'type' and that it was not a reflection on them but was his narcissism, if that's what it was. Perhaps just fuckwittery.

But I get what your saying - he told you who he was. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Some people do tell you who they are. DH didn't - he left me find out the hard way - but previous 2 DPs did tell me and I just chose not to listen I guess. I wanted them to love me. Of course they didn't. Will be listening bloody hard next time

Thank god your new DP is a gem. Need that happy ending on Christmas Eve!