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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has left

21 replies

MINKY75 · 19/12/2017 15:10

So my kind, family orientated husband has (after a period of some stress and possible depression) has decided that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be a family man. He is rambling about 'wearing a mask' his entire life and now he's free. He doesn't want to come home or talk, he just wants to live alone and please himself. Please, please tell me this is mental illness. Obviously it would be very hard to accept the marriage is over but he's acting so strangely that I can't believe it's true.

OP posts:

Hissy · 19/12/2017 15:57

Oh you poor thing.

prepare yourself. I think this is the beginning of a bigger reveal. It fits the usual script.

Have you got family and friends nearby? can you call them and get them to be with you a bit?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 19/12/2017 15:59

So sorry to hear this. I agree with Hissy, especially if he is talking about having to wear a mask. What terrible timing. I hope you are okay.

Ropsleybunny · 19/12/2017 16:00

Sorry to read this. I agree with Hissy there's probably more to this.

calzone · 19/12/2017 16:01

What a horrible shock for you.

Do you have children?

AFistfulOfDolores · 19/12/2017 16:03

I agree, there's probably more to it - but I think underlying whatever he's doing there will be a psychological aspect to it. Unfortunately, when we hit midlife crisis, we tend to find solutions outside ourselves, and in other people.

Thebluedog · 19/12/2017 16:05

There is usually more to it than this. So sorry you’re having to deal with this OP

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/12/2017 16:06

So sorry OP, lovely timing too. Do you have DC or family nearby?

How old are you both?

ClaryFray · 19/12/2017 16:07

So sorry op. Sounds like something else is going on. People don't just decide there no longer a family man.

Have you got friends and family near by?

Louiseandhercubs · 19/12/2017 16:08

I had a very similar thing happen to me. Although my partner still declares he loves me but said continually love wasn't enough as I deserve a man who is strong and not a man that cries (his words)

It is hard and shitty timing but as JK Rowling said "Rock bottom was the foundation in which I built my life"

loveablether · 19/12/2017 16:10

Midlife crisis? Sorry to read that this has happened. Hand hold and

Original poster

MINKY75 · 19/12/2017 16:18

Thanks all. He definitely appears to be in a mentally altered state and there is a history of bi-polar in the family. Last week he was buying me and the kids xmas presents, we've just booked a holiday and after our row he left the house, expressed suicidal thoughts and said it would be better for everyone if he was alone. We have two children under 7 and they are his world but in the few times he's been in contact since he hasn't engaged with them. I've asked outright if there's someone else and he's adamant there's not. It's terrible timing. I'm just in a nightmare and willing to do anything.
He has been to the doctor who asked him to read up on depression.

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 16:20

I don't know what to say, was there no signs or anything?

Sending you a hug x

thriceweedpostcsection · 19/12/2017 16:22

Really sorry that you are going through this. It is pure hell.
My ex-H did the same. He never came back, and I never knew why.
He not only broke my heart, but also the children's. There was no warning. No big dramas.
He just decided that he wanted to leave us, and he did.

Time heals. Try to focus on the things that you can control, and leave him to figure things out.
If you are out of his life, he will have to decide whether this is really a good thing.
NC is hard. I spent too long trying to make my ex see the light, and wish I'd been able to go NC at the start.

BewareOfDragons · 19/12/2017 16:27

Has he shown any signs of being bi-polar himself? The depression could be a sign of the low end of it. :(

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope he finds a way to be open to getting some help. It doesn't sound like he's in a good place.

kiki69 · 19/12/2017 17:12

I'm so sorry that you going through this. I'm in very similar position except my dp, doesn't want to go neither does he wants to stay. The only response I'm getting he wants to be on his own... There is as well history of mental issues. It's utterly crap.

Original poster

MINKY75 · 19/12/2017 17:55

Its the same with mine kiki69. He's here now and all he can say i's that he's crap at everything and he wants to be alone. Am really hoping for some advice for how to help him through this.

OP posts:

PNGirl · 19/12/2017 18:06

If he hasn't been to the Dr, I suggest he does.

kiki69 · 19/12/2017 18:53

Hi Minky, unfortunately I don't think anyone can give you or me advice on how to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
I can share with you my progress as I'm probably few weeks ahead of you.
I managed to convince him to start back on his antidepressants (I suspect he crashed partly because he stoped taking them in the first place and was drowning everything in vast amounts of alcohol)
Thanks to that he's bit more alert and you can hold with him some sort of conversation.
I actually made him to see gp, just made an app for him and drove him there. It wasn't helpful because I suppose he didn't discuss anything with dr. (He thinks he's fine...)
We tried counselling. I think he agreed only because he feel very guilty leaving dc. I can't really say therapy was helpful, as he's not it the right place himself, but therapist did not pick up on this.
We decided to go through xmass for the sake of dc but it's nightmare.
I start to think that I won't be able to save him, or made him happy....or even help him, if he doesn't want this. I would like him to know that he can count on me, but at the moment I need to assume he wants out.
Please feel free to msg me if you feel like it, I know how lonely place you are at the moment.

LesisMiserable · 19/12/2017 18:58

I think wanting to be on their own is a pretty standard break up line. Which is why its always a surprise when they subsequently get with someone else. Wanting to be on my own is a perceived kinder way of saying I dont want to be with you anymore. I've said it myself.

NancyFrank · 19/12/2017 19:08

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was debating making a similar thread when I stumbled upon yours, my DF (fiance) suffers with depression and this seems to contribute to his fear of commitment. Currently alone and crying as he has had a meltdown over the wedding, 'It's a waste of money it's so consumerist and he doesn't want it' 'we want different things' i.e he doesn't want children (this changes regularly and we are fairly young). However he doesn't think he wants to split up.. It's heartbreaking and confusing and I'm sorry I haven't much advice just know you are not alone xxx

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/12/2017 19:11

Why not let him be on his own for a little while if that's what he needs to get his head straight?

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