so confused about my feelings

[hazellpaisley]

My partner and I have been together three and a half years. We've been engaged a year and a half, living together for just over a year (with a mortgage) and trying for a baby for two years.

I'm 22. I've always wanted to settle down whilst young and start a family. DP is 32, although I do believe I act a lot older than him.

I've often expressed that I'm confused about my feelings. I don't want to leave him. But I feel like he's not giving me everything I need. As he's the first partner I've had (excluding relationships as a teenager,) part of me is worried that I'm just 'settling' so that I can fulfill my plan of becoming a young mum.

I do love him. And if I really wanted to leave him I would. But something is stopping me. I don't feel like I'm really engaged. I see so many people feeling excited to get married, and say 'I can't wait to marry him!' but I don't feel like that.

Am I feeling the wrong thing, or am I just so caught up in what I see on social media and other peoples lives that I'm expecting to feel a certain way, but it's normal that I don't?

We've struggled with fertility for two years and I have been desperate for my baby. Now I've started medication to help us conceive, and I suddenly feel terrified at the thought of having a baby.

I don't know whats wrong with me, my thoughts are everywhere. I want to stay with him but I wish some things would change (I've had this conversation with him a couple of times, but nothing changes.) But at the same time I'm worried that I'm doing things for the sake of it and that there could be someone who I really 'can't wait to marry' out there.

He is a lovely lovely guy. He's so sweet, chivalrous, a gentleman. He loves me so so much, and he makes sure I know it. But he can also be very stubborn and very childish, and he has a blasé attitude to pretty much everything in life. Am I just bored? Is this just that the initial spark has disappeared? I honestly can't imagine my life without him, but I'm almost frightened at the thought of staying with him too.

I really want us to work together, but I don't know how I can get myself feeling the way I'm 'supposed to' (or is there no right or wrong way?)

I don't know if this is just an excuse or could have something to do with it, but I suffer very badly from various mental health conditions, and am in a fairly bad place with that at the moment. I hate myself and basically want to die on a daily basis, so I'm definitely not in the right frame of mind and am constantly overthinking things, worrying, and then worrying about worrying.

Right now I'm telling myself to see how things go in the new year. If I fall pregnant then hopefully our much-wished for bundle of joy will make me realise how much I love him (and I believe we'd make fantastic parents together,) but if I still don't fall pregnant I'll see how the relationship is going at the time and then consider my options (because I'm really fed up of all the appointments to the fertility clinics I feel like I just want to give up.)

I'm also terrified of having a child with him, staying with him, and then meeting someone else without looking, and falling for them.

I'd just like some input. Thanks all.

This is all totally normal when you get into a very serious relationship at such a young age. You were a teenager, practically a child still (17,18?) with a grown man ten years your senior who'd already had chance to grow into who he is. I think your gut is telling you something here, that is that this relationship isn't right for you or making you happy.

It sounds like you're so determined to be a 'young mum' that you've put all your eggs in his basket because he might be someone who can help you fulfil your 'dreams of becoming a young mum', while he as a person isn't actually right for you. It's sad but it sounds almost like his main value to you is in his sperm and making you into a wife.

I think you already know this isn't working. Most relationships your age don't, but people are sensible enough to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a few years during such a transitory age while you've tried to make this into something it isn't. Breaking up is common and just because you have the illusion of it being a more serious relationship (engaged and planning a child) doesn't mean it's not the best thing to do to walk away.

Do you work or have a career OP? What else is going on in your life other than him and wanting a baby? What are your future goals that don't involve being a mother and a wife?

Yes I work full time in a good job but I'm not really a career girl kind of person. Being a mother has literally always been my only goal.

What you feel is completely normal but I think you should put your plans for a baby on hold until you have sorted out your doubts about your partner. You need to be in a stable relationship and also a healthy state of mind which you say you are not at the moment. There is really no rush.

How will you be in a position to look after a baby if you feel like dying every day? It is not the right time for you.

Having a baby with this man will not magically make everything perfect, it doesn't work like that. You are having misgivings and aren't sure that you feel the way you think you should, so perhaps you need to stop trying for a baby right now, and concentrate on you. Only you know how you feel, and you probably need some thinking time. You're still really young to tie yourself into something if you're uncertain.

"I don't know if this is just an excuse or could have something to do with it, but I suffer very badly from various mental health conditions, and am in a fairly bad place with that at the moment. I hate myself and basically want to die on a daily basis, so I'm definitely not in the right frame of mind and am constantly overthinking things, worrying, and then worrying about worrying."

Are you having any treatment for your MH issues? Obviously you've only posted a snapshot but you sound almost suicidal, very depressed and anxious. There are things you can do to improve depression and anxiety, and it's available on the NHS (google your local IAPT service and self refer for an assessment). You might have a clearer idea of what you want in your personal life if you can improve your mental health.

Absolutely out trying for a baby on hold. It's not a good time for you as it is, but it'd be desperately unfair and selfish to a child to bring them into this relationship while you're in such a bad place.

Having a baby puts tremendous strain on relationships. I don’t see your relationship surviving until your child’s first birthday, unless you simply feel too trapped to leave. Also, based on what you’ve said, you sound like you are at high risk for post partum depression.

Depending on the type of fertility meds you are on, they can really mess with your emotions. My suggestion is to see your doctor about going off the meds, and tend to your mental health. Work on developing yourself as a whole person.

Being a mother is wonderful some days, but not on others. It isn’t the answer to anything.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Do you have family support, or friends?

Absolutely do not try for a baby. It does not sound like he is the one for you. It’s normal to feel excited to marry your fiancé and you shouldn’t make yourself miss out on that just to have children now when there is so much time.

It’s also not fair on him or any future children as you’re pretty much guaranteeing putting them all (and you) through divorce and separation sometime during their childhood.

Thank you all for you input. I am on antidepressants.. Which I forgot to take last night so idk if that is why I'm feeling so shitty today. Im not always feeling as bad as right now, jsut having a very weepy day. I only started the fertility meds yesterday so I don't think they would be playing with my emotions yet.
Most of my depression has stemmed from my infertility. So if I had had my baby when we initially started trying I probably wouldn't be in such a bad place right now.

My mum is the only one I really speak to about this, and my partner himself. I really want us to work though :(

To me it sounds like your relationship also depresses you.