Breadwinners

[3ambanana]

I don't think I can say this without sounding like a total bitch.
DH I have been together since high school, 20 odd years now. I love him, he's my best friend and I could never be without him. Career wise I have done much better than him and we are now in a situation where I am the main breadwinner by some distance. This shows no sign of changing, in spite of all of his good qualities DH is shy and finds it difficult to sell himself and in all honestly I can't see him progressing career wise due to this. I am currently mid way through my second pregnancy and after number 1 I returned full-time after 9 months, financially there was no choice, and DH did 4 days. We have no family locally and it was tight financially. I hated being apart from DC1 and resented the time he got to spend with her. I often cried at work (in my office on my own) but managed to maintain a high standard of work and even get promoted.

This time around I am already starting to worry about this, missing DC2 and resenting DH again, we're currently both full time as DC1 is in school and it feels ok. DC2 is desperately wanted and I'm overjoyed to be pregnant but this is really stressing me out (especially at night when I want to sleep). It doesn't help that most/all of my Mummy friends work part time and take on a more traditional role. I understand that this is the way it has to be but how can I stop this worrying/resentment? It's not my husbands fault!

When you say "financially impossible" can I ask how? Would you be able in theory to go part time? Have you thought carefully about cut backs?

Done a budget which doesn't include things like

New clothes,
Proffessional hair
two cars

That's the only way I'm a SAHM, because DH and I made massive cuts to be able to afford it.

So...I don't ever go to a hairdressers, or buy new clothing...and get public transport.

Would you be able to do that?

We don't do anything extravagant unfortunately, our money pays our bills and we budget tightly.

I knew this was likely to be the response I got. We can only survive if my salary is the full time one and his is the part time one. As I said, it's a significant difference.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

I can empathise with the pressure of being pregnant and the higher earner. I've worked out that it's best do us if I go back after 9 months and DH takes 3 months parental leave. I'd have loved 12 months off but it's just not going to work financially.

DH works hard and has really furthered his career in the last few years, so I don't feel resentful. He's out the effort in, it's just my job pays way more.

Id say that most of my mum friends are the higher/equal earner, and it's common for both parents to work as flexibly as they can. It's a joint effort at the end of the day, it shouldn't be all on your shoulders.

How do you think he'd react if you told him how you feel?

Perhaps he needs to take on a second job for a year so you can have a break of more significance then OP?

He could work some evenings somewhere?

Possible solutions:

Your DH works full time rather than 4 days (ie you both work full-time) - would this make you resent him less?

Is there really no way you could go down to 4 days while he does 5 days? Now you've been promoted it's a different calculation than last time.

You work 5 days and he works 4 days (as before), but one of the weekend days is very much your day with the DC - you choose how to spend it, while your DH picks up the slack domestically.

He's not a very confident person and i don't feel like I want to make him feel any worse. He's tried getting qualifications, applying for better jobs but he doesn't get anywhere as he just doesn't sell himself, he's naturally very shy and doesn't excel at any one thing. I've spent the last 15 years (post uni) encouraging and supporting him but it just doesn't feel like things will ever be different. I can't see what telling him would do apart from make him feel less confident. He can only do what he can do. I need to get over it. I'm encouraged by what you say Batman. Thank you.

If it makes you feel better, I was a SAHM and now regret it. I honestly didn’t realize what I was giving up. Your career and success there is something you will always have. I’m so many ways you are better off.

I know that doesn’t help when you would prefer to be with your child and miss your baby, but there really truly is an advantage in having a very solid career.

We don't have children yet but when we do I will be in your situation and I'm already worrying about it, so I really do empathise.

Thinking about it logically, however, this is what most men have had to deal with for most of recent history. On a personal level it sucks, but it's one of the necessary consequences of a more equal society. That doesn't really help, I know

More practically: if you're really not able to drop to 4 days, could you work compressed hours to give you an extra day at home?

I don’t see what else you can do except what you are doing. If it’s the only financial option and you’re not funding an over ambitious lifestyle then maybe make the weekends and evenings count for more?

There will come a time when finances ease off and you can cut your hours but there doesn’t seem many other options except moving to a cheaper county or emigrating.