Marriage - is it supposed to be a bit rubbish sometimes?

[PersonAtHome]

I've been with DH for 18 years and I'm going through a big questioning phase. He's a lovely guy but we've had our ups and downs over the years and I feel like we've grown and changed in different directions. When I look ahead and think about when our children leave home I wonder how much we'll have in common once the shared task of parenting is (mostly) over.

But maybe most people feel like this and I should dig deep and work on our marriage?

I don't have any other marriages or long term serious relationships to compare to (had a lot of short term flings before eventually finding DH). What does a good marriage feel like? Should the person be your best friend or am I idealising marriage by thinking that?

DP and I are not quite married yet (planning stages atm) but I can wholeheartedly say he is my best friend. I was engaged previously and I found the notion of marrying your best friend odd. But now I'm with DP, I can totally see why I am marrying my best friend and I'm so so glad I didn't marry the previous guy.

I obviously can't speak for everyone though, maybe they don't have to be your best friend.

Thanks for posting CurlyRover. It's hard to remember exactly how I felt in the early days. After so much time has gone by, and the stresses of having children, the relationship you originally had alters beyond recognition. Congratulations on finding a best friend guy to marry!

I have some married friends but find it hard to ask how it is for them as they are all in our shared (coupley) close circle of friends. My two closest friends outside my marriage are not in happy marriages so can't ask them, one is separated and the other is in a very unhappy, failing marriage.

As a couple we know lots of married couples and everyone seems to be rumbling along ok, but who knows how people really feel as nobody seems to be that honest or open about the important stuff.

I think it's annoyingly about what works for you. So my DH and I have been married 18 years and have come to the conclusion together and relatively amicably that it doesnot Work for us and we have the potential to be happier without being married and so divorcing. Although we are not despertalty unhappy together either but there is no value added to our lives by being together beyond the financial.

To get to this stage it took an affair on his part to bring our feelings into the open but the two years post affair we had couples counselling and individual counselling and have stayed together and been 'on a journey' and arrived at the same point.

In my friend groups those that are happily married and bring extra to each other's lives are few and far between. But many are happy with that which is ok. Then you have the very few lucky ones who are as happy 20 yrs on than they were when they first met!

@CurlyRover come back when you've been together for 18 years like the OP and you might have some idea of what she is asking.

I remember that feeling Op. I thought in the early years that DH was my best friend but as time passed he clearly wasn't. People do grow up and grow away. We were married for 22 years. It was great at times, it was crap at times but then the inbetween times were so meh I often thought what's the point.

Together 18 years, married for 16. I can't imagine a future without him, tbh, but we are still in the thick of parenting little ones and we are mostly fire fighting right now. We don't get out together very often.

I have definitely changed as a person over the years, and he has as well, but for some reason he seems to be sliding into a "grumpy old man" persona that I find unnecessary. No need to be grumpy just for the sake of it, though I'm sure I'm more than a bit irritating myself sometimes.

DH and I have been together 20 years, married 14. I think he's great and I am happy to be married to him.

We've been through low points in the past though - mainly when the DC were small and we were tired and had little quality time together. There have definitely been times when I thought "is he adding anything to my life?" but we've come through those.

We’ve been married just about the same amount of time as you.

We are best friends but from observation, that’s not the case in all married couples.

I would agree that life and family changes the person that you are to some extent but I think that most people rarely change in their essential core being.

The man you fell in love with is still there, underneath it all.

I think you are right to worry about what happens when the kids leave home, it’s a vulnerable time for lots of marriages however having identified the concern now, gives you time to do something about it.

I’d be seeing what I could do to focus on my relationship, make time to do fun things on your own (without the children) and rediscover each other.

Of course it might not work but I think 18 years deserved a bloody good effort before calling quits.

Maybe your best friend is hiding in there still but you’ve stopped looking because you’re taking him for granted. Try having some date nights for yourselves. Book a table and have dinner without anyone else. Go on a day out together and find him.

Marriages go stale when you both start taking each other for granted and lose the interest and kindness in each other.

My partner is my best friend but even so it occasionally gets dull spending every night doing the same things with the same person. I fix it by doing the above and also having my own hobbies and life. I always come back to him though because he’s my rock.

DH and I have been married nearly 10 years. I think it's true that relationships and individuals change and when you're in the thick of parenting children and worrying about careers and work and money that sometimes it feels like you're just moving alongside each other and you start to question whether you actually have anything in common outside of the kids etc.

But.... what we have and what I value more than I can say, is that we're totally just there for each other and are always on each other's side. We have similar views on the important things and that gives us a shared objective for our lives. Even more so, I feel like the general love and care we show for each other is what keeps us together and sustained and I believe that as time goes by and our lives change, that won't. It means even when we seem to be living quite separate lives (outside of the core responsibilities of children etc), we're always using the other one as a touchstone. And that, for me, is something extremely powerful. If that changed, I would question our relationship. But I don't think it will because it's central to who we are as individuals and as a couple.

He IS my best friend, but that comes from the points I was making above. We don't go out and party together much and a lot of day to day chat is about the mundane. But to be honest, that's what makes him such a great best friend. He's right there in the trenches with me and the same daily things are core to his life. The rest - the big events, the odd nights out etc are not core.

I'm not sure if I've explained that well. But at its simplest, knowing I can text him because I'm not feeling well today and he will care or that he will share a link to an interesting news article because he knows I will be interested are small things that all together make up a rich tapestry and make me happy.

Married 30 years, together 34, there are times when I could see him far enough, but generally he’s kind and will do anything for anyone, and looks after me since I became disabled 9 years ago, so he’s not a bad old stick really. We don’t have children, so haven’t had those pressures to contend with

DH and I have been together 20 years, married for 18.

Tbh, the baby/small children years were by far the worst and I questioned many times if we could carry on. Now DC are older (youngest 9) we get on so much better and he is definitely my best friend.

Sometimes it is rubbish but that's more external stuff (pressure at work etc).

Do you like him? Does he make you laugh? And what is the alternative if you are not together, would you be happier by yourself?

Only you know the answer to these - it doesn't matter what your friends are doing.

I don't get the "best friend" bit - I dont want to be married to my best friend - I want to be married to my lover. My marriage has been mostly up but also down with a few short periods of proper unhappiness.. I think it's taken me/us 20 plus years to really get used to each other. TBH I think the best friend stuff can make it sound as if it should be easier than it actually is - your best friend wouldn't be if you lived together 24/7 I suspect.

salt but marriages can have differing periods of lust - if your partner is the one you think of to tell when something funny happens, who knows you need comforting, who brings you a mince pie just because they know you like them - that is best friend territory in my book. That includes the ups and downs, we can irritate the crap out of each other too.

My friends are great but I spend more time with DH than them (moved away from where I grew up). I am glad he is my best friend, to me that is the highest compliment!

It's interesting to hear your experiences / points of view. It's giving me lots to mull over which I'm finding helpful.

He's been lovely today (we've had a day out with the DSs) which has made me feel bad for thinking such negative thoughts.

We never have time to ourselves (as a couple) without children so I'm putting this on the list for 2018. I've suggested we do some dance classes together and he's up for it so maybe that will help.

I think what I'm finding difficult is that there's nothing overtly wrong, it just feels like we're a disconnected and niggling at each other a lot of the time. He's taking a more 'alternative' path in the last few years (dress sense / music / hobbies) and I find myself feeling like we don't even look or feel right together any more. In a subtle way I know he doesn't always agree with my approach to life / life choices / opinions. Also he's always been a great listener, I can moan away about my day at work or whatever, but he doesn't ever talk about how he's feeling or open up in any way. And that can leave me feeling like it's one sided and that we can never get beyond a certain level in our relationship. We never argue because he clams up and refuses.

Salt DH is my best friend and my lover. We are both the person that the other turns to first in any situation, good or bad.

It doesn’t mean we don’t ever argue or disagree though.

Person I think dance lessons is a fantastic idea.

Good luck.

We've been together for 18 years and married 16. There have been periods where everything was so bloody difficult but that was because I was depressed and non compliant with medication, rather than any fundamental incompatibility or problem. It doesn't seem like we have been together as long as we have, because we still love each other deeply and still find ways to surprise each other, but cheesy as it sounds, he is my best friend and I am never walking on eggshells. I was in an abusive relationship previously and didn't know what it was like to have a normal healthy relationship, until I met DH, then I found it hard to deal with being with someone kind and genuine, so pushed the boundaries convinced I would uncover the monster beneath. That never happened but it did hurt him deeply - he didn't tell me at the time because he could see I was messed up and it wouldn't help.

Since he has become ill, I have felt the strength of our bond. While what we are going through is rubbish, we have faced it as a team. That's what I think the difference is - marriage can have rough times but it's the way you deal with them that shows if it's possible to carry on, or if there is a deeper issue.

I'm not sure I've explained what I mean very well though.

I think it depends how you define happiness. A lot of people seem to be searching for this Nirvana when other than for the lucky few, it doesn't exist. I sometimes read the dating thread on here and it horrifies me how some men in the dating game behave. I wouldn't want to go through that again.

We have been together 25 years, get on well, give each other the freedom to do what we want so we both holiday with friends each year and see friends a lot independently of each other. I don't see the point of splitting up as financially it would hit us hard.

We don't have a hugely passionate relationship but that doesn't worry me or them so it's not something that would ever break us up.

I couldn't live with someone who irritated the hell out of me though.

I think it's all about balance. Do you feel that you both get enough out of the relationship?

I am leaving my DH, as I do not feel that I get much out of the relationship, it's draining me, and I am really unhappy.

I totally get what a PP said about not getting the friendship thing.

Personally I can't relate to you, been with my DH 7 years, happily married for 18 months.
But my mum and dad split up when I was 19 and pretty sure because mum felt the way you do now. I think the previous 20 years of her life had revolved around bringing up her kids and creating a happy family home and as we all grew up and left home i think she went through a massive case of empty nest syndrome/mid life crisis. Growing up I always felt my mum and dad were very happy together and never imagined they would separate. Without a doubt over the years they had both changed and drifted apart and my mum landed up having an affair and leaving. I remember at the time speaking to lots of people about it and coming to the conclusion that actually most couples go through that stage when their kids leave home or even just when they have been together for such a long time. Some people decide to make the effort to make it work and almost refind each other some people decide to make a new life for themselves. I think it's great you're going to make time for each other and I wish you all the best. Every situation is obviously different but I do think if my mum and dad had done the same and got themselves over that difficult stage they would still be together and very happy.

Yes it is.

The stages of marriage are outlined in either this book:

I Love You but I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1408870339/ref=cmswwrcppapianxoAbYP02F8SS__

Or this one:_

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0747593604/ref=cmm_swrrcpapiiYoxoAbYJG3NHH

I can't remember which one but they've been researched.

From memory, it boils down to how you argue or not argue (very simplified explanation tbh!)

So for instance I like to discuss and unpack issues but over time my husband didn't (conflict avoider) so although I thought we were happy, he wasn't.

Anyway go have a look at the books because my explanations are crap!

Weirdly I keep seeing relationships going tits up around 18-20 years! I think at this stage in marriage, you see the time you have left and sometimes spouses think 'is this it?' and you start thinking about how much time you could be happier for? Almost like the relationship can be traded in for newer, more shiny model with less hassle? Just my observations and what I've read over the last 16 months....

Hmm marked 26.5 together 29. I love him a little more each day that passes. BUT the 16-18 Mark was tough. Children becoming teenagers, the dynamic changing, coping with fathers dying, learning how we reacted, entering early middle age, also the two years when he seemed to spend more time in the U.S. than here. In my experience it was worth working at.

I think a lot depends on if you place more emphasis on passion or companionship, I'm sure both at the same time is the ideal, but not that common I feel beyond 15 years. The problems come when you place a great emphasis on the best friends thing and then find your best friend isn't quite so much the best friend you thought as you then feel let down by not only your 'partner' but your best friend too. I also think allowing the other person space is really important. There are many people especially over 35 who seem to feel unable to go anywhere/do anything without a pre arranged pass out (and that isn't factoring child care in which changes things somewhat)?

Thanks for the links to those books Bibbidee, I'll check them out.

Maybe I can use these questioning / doubtful feelings to make an effort and make things better between us.