My relationship without clear future, what do I do?

[catbasilio]

I have been separated from exH for almost 2 years (led single life including infidelity) and been with my boyfriend for over a year now. I have two DC age 9 and 7 and boyfriend has 3 DC age 16, 13 and 8. I live in London and he lives 30miles away outside M25.
What attracted me to him that he dearly cares about his children, he continues to live next to his ex and DC schools and everything he does is for them. Currently he is battling in courts for more access.

Generally all going well, but as he just extended his rent contract for 2 years, it daunted upon me that we may not have a future vision together. Although he keeps saying he will buy property in London, he is unlikely to move away from his DC, and his youngest is just 8.
I will apply for secondary school next year and do not have an intention to move that far out. I did think of a compromise in my head, moving a bit more far out in the view to live together some day, but again although we looked at the houses together on Rightmove (for fun), I don’t see that happening somehow.

In a couple weeks of years time I am unlikely to have an aupair anymore and won’t be able to drop at his once in a week like I do now, or go for an odd overnight stay at weekend.

It worries me that while it is ok to continue as it is for 2-3 years, I don’t want to be doing it for the next 10 years. He might stay over more at mine in the future but effectively he will keep his place where he is.

I am also not sure if we have scope for joint decisions in the future. He is saving up for deposit but everything he buys is for his DC. I have my own house so that’s ok but joint decisions should be a part of a growing relationship, is it?

I don’t want to bring this up with him as it is too early, and I am not even officially divorced yet, but when I think 5 years down the line it makes me really sad.

Do I just enjoy what we have, or is there no future for us?

Didn’t want to finish with a negative thought, I’d like to work it out, is there anyone with similar experiences which worked out in the long term?

From what you've written, particularly the fact that he already has children in high school, I think your choices are to move to where he is or stay where you want to be. He clearly wants to be in his children's lives day-to-day (as he should) and that's his priority. Good on him.

I would decide what you want to do, and then have a discussion with him on that basis. It seems like he's trying to hedge his bets a bit, talking about Rightmove and moving somewhere in between, when his actions say something different. Neither of you is wrong to want what you want, I just don't think you can both have it. And for both of you, your children come first so it's what is best for them that's the main thing.

I think just enjoy what you have. Will your dc not be spending time with their dad? Surely that would give you time to see him. It really is early days to be thinking like this. You might get another year down the line and it doesn't work out for another reason. Or you might get another year along and find he wants to move or you do. What is the point of thinking about it right now when your relationship is only a year in!

My kids' dad only sees them twice in a month on average, daytime only, at his own convenience. I guess I don't want to go 2 years down the line and find that boyfriend is not willing to make any sort of compromise to make it work. At the same time I don't feel like I have a right to push the conversation right now, as I am not even divorced yet.

I would not be considering a move like that after just a year of being together op.