Hi, this is my first time writing on here and really need some advice please. I will try and make this as short as possible. My marriage broke down 17 years ago because my husband had an affair after 16 years of marriage. We had a great relationship before this (we were childhood sweethearts) purchased a nice home and had 3 beautiful children. I was devastated at the time. He always told me I was the love of his life and his soul mate,I felt exactly the same. I was too distraught and devestated(and stubborn) to give it another go after I found out. From the moment we split up until present day he as told our kids that he wants me back. No matter what relationship he is in he always tells our kids that I was the love of his life and that he regrets how much he hurt me for a few month's of stupidity. I tried to move on, sold the family home and purchased a house with the half of the money I got. I wanted to make my kids feel safe and secure. Years later and after a couple of poor relationships I met someone really nice. We have been together now 13 years. He is a very good hearted person and as always been good to me. The last few years have been bad though. He admitted to me that he has a mental health problem. He as had it for many years and never told anyone...although I noticed certain strange behaviors over the years I didnt think too much into it. His mental health as got very bad over the last 4-5 years,I have always tried to help him by going to lots of different doctors,psychiatrists and other mental health experts. I have sat with him in the middle of the night when he is full of anxiety and crying because the doctors are not recognising his illness and he is getting mistreated all of the time. It got so bad that he started drinking quite heavily and he becomes a very different person then. He is angry because he as been let down and he says really nasty and very hurtful things to me. He is never violent towards me just verbal and nasty. Over the past couple of years I have been very depressed over this and constantly treading on eggshells around him. My children have noticed the change in me and have begged me to leave because they cant bear the thought of me taking this treatment for years to come. This brings me up to present day. I love him but not the way I should,his treatment to me over these years as turned off a switch in me, I dread being around him. I must add that he as not been drinking so much lately and that he started treating me well again, but the damage as been done. I called at my daughter and son in laws house some time ago and my ex husband was there(we have been on very good terms for a few years now) and we sat chatting about stuff like work and every day things and the looks he was giving me melted my heart! He was looking at me in the way he used to and I wanted to fall into his arms. He does not know any of this and I will never let him know but I realised through me not trying to work our marriage out years ago that I had lost the love of my life. It is consuming my every thought and it breaks my heart. My partner tells me that (when not drunk) that if it wasnt for me he would be dead by now(and I believe and know him well enough to know he would do something to himself). He tells me that I am his soul mate and that it would destroy him if we parted. I cant go on like this anymore but I feel so trapped. I cant go because I know he will do something stupid. I live my life every day thinking of what I let go all those years ago and I am punishing myself. I have sobbed writing this, I feel so alone. I am sorry this is so long but if anyone could give me some advice that would be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading this xx