How do you know...?

[Cluelessclutz]

...when you’re right for each other?

We’ve been together almost a year, he’s my first relationship in a very long while (ex put me off men big time!).

We generally get on well, as do our kids...we have a similar sense of humour, enjoy our time together and we have a great sex life.

Now here’s the but...
I’m concerned he’s controlling. We don’t communicate well...he shuts down and basically refuses to speak to me/leaves. We’re good whilst I keep my opinions to myself but the minute I dare to say something is when it all goes wrong. It’s silly things...but he can’t ever accept any fault. I know I’m not perfect, far from actually...but I feel like it’s his way or the highway which I hate. His ex accused him of being controlling so it’s definitely something that concerns me (although she’s another kettle of fish!)

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance

I've been with my dh over 25 years and I can genuinely say that in all that time, including through some truly flaming rows (we're both fairly hot tempered) I have never, ever felt like he didn't care.

If I’m honest, it’s a feeling I’ve had from very early on. He was so wrapped up in what was going on with his ex/ the children/ house/ work that I’ve always felt I’ve come last after a huge long list of priorities. That’s really sad, i know. I’m shocked really that after so many years of being on my own, I’ve settled for someone who has the potential to make me feel so bad.

So sorry to hear that

You post resonates with me a lot. When you say leave I presume you mean go home to his house and not just the other room? My recently split from ex would do this, it is so upsetting, and it got more frequent. Like you I had been on my own for a long time so ignored too many red flags. I'm not saying ltb as there at always two sides to these things but I would want a serious chat to decide what to do. This is really hard to do but don't be with someone who doesn't like you as much as you like them because that feeling will get more and more and you'll have invested more and more time.

I knew there was zero point discussing it as it wouldn’t end well..
So basically, you have to tow the line even if you disagree with him.

The argument wasnt petty. Move on a few years and yu are living together. He sits down for a brew... again.... and you tidy up... again.... and you still dint have the right to express your annoyance.

Doesn’t sound Ike a petty argument at all.

Actually it looks like he has alarmed at managed to take you exactely where he wants you. Somewhere you wont dare saying anything, Express your POV and you will feel responsible if he is getting rude/stonewalling etc... because you knew you shouldn’t have raised the issue.

BIG BIG red flag.

Sorry :(:(

I suspect you love the man you think/hope he is. Not the man he really is, the one that makes you feel uncomfortable, the one that doesn’t let you be yourself or express your own opinion, the one that is stonewalling you.

Thanks again for your replies.

I just wish it was consistently shit then it would feel easier to call it a day. The fact is though that fundamentally, I don’t want to end up with someone who tries to control me and makes me feel bad.

This is why I was on my own for so long, life was so much simpler.

He's nice enough to you to keep you wanting to be involved with him; but he's controlling you enough to make sure he gets to sit down with a nice cup of tea while you run round tidying everything up and doing all the work, and are too anxious to say anything in case you set him off.

Of course it sounds ridiculous when you write it all down. It IS ridiculous. Ridiculous that a grown man can behave so badly.

You'd be better off without this one, I'm afraid.

I just wish it was consistently shit
But that is NOT how abusers work.
There is always a nasty / nice cycle.
That's why people stay for so long.
They are waiting for the nice bit.
The only amount of abuse acceptable in ANY relationship is NONE!
You know what to do.
Keep radio silence.
Do NOT back down.
Do NOT apologise.
You did nothing wrong.
Google 'stonewalling abuse'
Also have a look at the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
You'll find him in there.
Sod love.
This is to do with you deserving the best.
Not scraps of niceness when he can be asked!
You KNOW you are worth far more than this.
Please don't settle.
Get this controlling prick gone and enjoy a peaceful Christmas with your DC.

I spoke to him earlier, he said that I need to take responsibility for my part in the argument and that if I really think he’s controlling, we should call it a day. I said I agree! So that’s that I suppose. I feel gutted

Don't feel gutted. Try to feel relieved. You deserve so much better.

I feel so sad..like I’ve wasted a year with someone who couldn’t care less. How can I stop myself making the same mistakes over and over again? I want to feel relieved...I️ just don’t.

That was brave of you OP

One thing that's helped me stop repeating negative patterns is to write regularly in a (lockable!) journal about my thoughts and feelings. It helps it all make sense and reading it back you get perspective, then the right thing to do jumps out at you. I've done it for nearly 20 years and know myself so much better than I would've done otherwise.

Op that was really brave - you value yourself more than you think. I was happy on my own a long time before I met exp who was v similar to yours. Exp has been accused of all
The same things. I expect he's telling some woman right now what nightmare his dd mother and me are. The sad thing is I thought for a long time his ex just leeched off him and was a bit of a nightmare. Looking back she was a lovely woman who in another life I would have been great friends with.

Op you have lost nothing x