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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry Husband

15 replies

RubyandRed · 18/12/2017 17:23

We've been together for 10 years but had 2 DC quite quickly after meeting.
He loves DC and me I think but I find him quite bad tempered and I don't like it.
I have told him but he doesn't completely accept that he is.
I don't know whether I should leave him. My dd was crying last night because 'D' H was shouting cos he's lost his keys. She said she worries when she has friends round to play that they will want to go home because he is bad tempered.
He can be nice and fun but I am quite an anxious person generally and this is not good for my mental health.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Gerbil17 · 18/12/2017 17:25

It worries your dd and you. It is affecting both of you.
He is not accepting he has any kind of issue.
Ltb

suchislife44 · 18/12/2017 17:55

I'm sorry you're in this situation. The fact that he is unable to accept that there is a problem with his behaviour leaves little scope for change. He needs a wake up/ break up call. The safety, and needs of you and dd are priority.

bigtissue · 18/12/2017 18:12

Showing temper is a habit that's almost impossible to break, excepting some change to the person neurologically.

You are anxious and need a calm, patient and optimistic partner, not a ranting baby.

Original poster
RubyandRed · 18/12/2017 18:20

Gerbil17 my dd was upset that we might separate because I was shouting back.

Thanks Suchislife you are right

Bigtissue is it true that it is impossible to change?

He really is a proper ranter and I hate it. I have realised I kind of accept it for an easy life or it's becoming the norm.

OP posts:
Gerbil17 · 18/12/2017 18:26

Sorry for the misunderstanding rubyandred

Original poster
RubyandRed · 18/12/2017 18:31

No Gerbil17 I just meant I feel like I can't win because despite the 'd' h shouting, DD is getting upset about us separating. I so want her to be happy, she so deserves it as all children do.

OP posts:
bigtissue · 18/12/2017 18:33

Bigtissue is it true that it is impossible to change?

IME in working in mental health, and a first marriage to a ranting bully, yes. The tantrums are his method of communication and control. What is/was his relationship with his parents and siblings like? Was there a pall of drama and fear over the household? That could explain it, but it doesn't solve the problem that you are being abused.

I think you will know what will.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 18/12/2017 19:02

It may not be impossible to change him, but how much time have you got?

My DH is capable of raging about trivial things but over many years of me calmly pointing out that he's being a nob, he is mellowing. It helped when I realised that raging back at him was not the answer - it just fuelled the fire. Ignoring him is better, (certainly easier, anyway) but doesn't really achieve anything. The real skill is in managing your own emotional response - it takes a lot of practice to just talk normally in the face of shouty childishness.

It would probably be easier to just give up and LTB. How much do you want to make it work?

Original poster
RubyandRed · 18/12/2017 22:24

Bigtissue his mum is very set in her ways. Quite bad tempered. They have an odd relationship as she obviously cares about him but in his words 'he's not bothered about her or his DF'. In fact he has few friends and is not bothered about this either

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyandRed · 18/12/2017 22:30

Thebadgersmademedoit I would love to have a loving relationship where I felt safe and calm. Unfortunately I don't feel like that but he can be good company and kind but God he rages. I find it exhausting. God knows how he can live like that.

Going out in the car is a nightmare, he shouts and shakes his head and moans. I can't stand it.

OP posts:
TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 18/12/2017 23:15

Going out in the car is a nightmare, he shouts and shakes his head and moans.

Yeah mine used to do that too. I was driving around North Wales on holiday with him once and he was moaning and huffing, shouting at other drivers, shouting at me, shouting at the universe in general. In the end I slammed on the brakes and said "Shut up or I'll leave you in Rhyl."

He got a lot better after that. Not cured - I still have to listen to a lot of huffing when there is heavy traffic or (heaven forbid) someone is driving too slowly, but he's reigned it in a bit and may even be starting to learn how exhausting all that anger is.

Original poster
RubyandRed · 18/12/2017 23:19

You're good thebadgersmademedoit I'm going to think of a plan of action

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyandRed · 19/12/2017 10:10

Ok, I have told him I am unhappy with the way he speaks to me sometimes. He says I have to get a grip

OP posts:
TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 19/12/2017 10:53

There's no one thing you can say to him that will suddenly fix him. It's a long process of chipping away at those bad habits until he can see for himself that he's the one who needs to get a grip.

I totally feel what you're going through - and I don't think angry people can ever really be cured but they can be helped. If only by patiently and persistently reminding them that rage is not a normal or healthy response.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2017 11:25

He says I have to get a grip
That tells you all you need to know.
He doesn't give a shit about you.
He doesn't respect you.
He doesn't care about your happiness.
I think you know what you need to do now!
You cannot live like this.
You cannot bring up your DD in a house like this.
Time to make plans to leave.
Get advice from a solicitor.

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