So conflicted, but so unhappy too

[Sussex1983]

I’ve been with my DH for 10 years, we have no children due to fertility issues on his side.

His behaviour is, at times, abusive. I don’t think he realises it’s not normal to have massive anger issues. We had a lovely day out yesterday, then he had too much to drink & proceeded to raise his voice, call me a cunt & telll me to fuck off at dinner (nice restaurant, had been a lovely meal) to the extent that I walked out & came home. He has ruined so many occasions by behaving like this. I was actually scared he was going to be violent towards me last night, his face was so full of anger.
On the other hand, he supports me, loves me & looks after me more than anyone else i’ve ever known.

I’m strong willed & do hold my own, but I don’t want to be that person either.
I’ve got to the stage that his behaviour is making me hate & resent him, but I do genuinely love him too.

I’m sitting crying, because I don’t want my life to be like this, but I also don’t want to be single approaching 40 & feel like I need to start all over again. It’s hard enough knowing i’ve lost my chance to have a family, I don’t want to be alone too.

Is it worth suggesting /insistent on counselling to see if there’s any way forward, or do I accept it’s over & move on

Is it only when he drinks?

There is still time to meet someone who isn't an arse hole op. You say he treats you better than anyone so far - your life isn't over though!! Get out while you still have the mental strength to, and don't settle for a bully. There really is no need to.
I married a fantastic man after abusive marriages it really can be done!!

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Women do go on to have children in their 40s. It may still be a possibility for you. You could have a whole different life.

It's no good being with someone who is nice sometimes, but makes you afraid and sad and not the person you want to be as well.

Drinking is just another excuse. The fact that this man does not abuse anyone else only his partner shows his behaviour up for the abuse that it is. Kicking off on special occasions is classic behaviour from abusive people. It is part of a pattern of control and manipulation. Believe me, I know because I have lived with abuse from my family, other relatives and partners for 50 years. Thankfully I am now in recovery.

As for ‘he supports me, loves me & looks after me more than anyone else i’ve ever known.’ If this were true he would not behave the way that he does. He has to make sure you stay doesn’t he?

Imagine being almost 50 and feeling the same way. I am sorry but it is not going to change.

I was actually scared he was going to be violent towards me

Please listen to this.I was told by a physiotherapist that we should not ignore these warnings.I left my exh after a similar incident.
Your H has issues and he has to take responsibility as a first step.Rather than assume divorce consider that you will separate.It could be the only way he realises what he will lose.

This isn't my definition of love as something in his belief system makes him feel its ok to treat you like this.

Does he do this to his boss at work?

I was actually scared he was going to be violent towards me last night, his face was so full of anger.

This is no way to live, OP. He needs to accept responsibility for his anger/behaviour and seek therapy. Or you need to leave.

Let me guess that its 'Your fault, because you wind him up'?

Did he come home? How have things been since then?

This morning he said he was sorry he upset me, but (predictably it seems) it was my fault for not supporting him in what he was saying which is why he kicked off.

He is argumentative about everything with everyone, it’s like he constantly has to try & get ‘more’ from every situation & if he doesn’t then the world is against him. but you’re right that he contains it more with some people than others.

I’m just so, so sad that my marriage may be over. I loved him so much and honestly thought we were good for life .

I am sorry that your relationship is like this. Adjusting to the idea that things are not OK is hard and it sill take a long time to work through your feelings.

Have a look at the topics of emotional abuse on the Women’s Aid site:
www.womensaid.org.uk

There is lots of information and support available. Is there a friend or a family member that you can talk to?

oh god. it sounds exactly the same as my relationship. 10 years, lost the chance of a family. Bullied and was verbally abusive to me BUT only when drunk.
The jekyll and hyde is SO hard to deal with, because my exdp is such a lovely person and I did love him very much, it's not black and white and it's so conflicting.

He stopped drinking completely for a while and things were ok. But it started again, and sadly I don't think you can get rid of the fear it causes. Only after a lot of time in therapy did I firstly realise it was abuse and secondly realise it wasn't my fault for not fixing him or making him happy.

Honestly OP I hung on for way too long. Left at 37 now 39. will I ever have children? I just don't know is the answer, but probably not.

I am a desperate people pleaser and an enabler. I always sacrifice my own happiness and wants in life for others and you sound like that too. But you cannot do this to yourself anymore.

Get some therapy ASAP, it helped a lot.
If you want to have a child think about how you can make that happen for yourself ASAP. sperm donation etc.

I refused for so long to abandon him. even though everyone else knew how desperately unhappy I was.

It is not your fault these things have happened. but you cannot wake up in another 5 years and it's still like this. it will kill you

JustBreathing that’s it exactly, i’m utterly heartbroken at the thought of not being together, but I can’t live the rest of my life like this either

Get rid op he's no good.

Arseholes like him always say the same thing, that is YOUR fault, not his.

Let me put it this way, even if these men have cause to be aggrieved, they don’t have cause for that to excuse their disgustingly inappropriate ehaviour. That’s the difference.

Sussex

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are still being met here?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up? Both of these questions need your serious consideration.

How does he support you and look after you?. Or are you writing that because you are simply kidding yourself that he does.

I wonder if you are co-dependent and are confusing love with co-dependency.

Abuse is not love; its about having power and control over someone else. He does not know the meaning of the word love and his actions are not loving ones. I would also think he does have an anger problem but not an anger management one. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call him out on his abusive behaviours.

Its over anyway because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out against you. Its not your fault he has decided to conduct his own private war against you. You are not responsible for the actions of another person.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and no decent counsellor anyway would ever see the two of you together. He likely would not want to attend any sessions in any case. Counselling for your own self is I would state necessary. Womens Aid are also worth contacting on 0808 2000 247