Friends responses after separation

[Ginny70]

Hi
First proper time of posting. Im 47, and have been separated from H for nearly 2 years, married for 16 years. We are sorting out finances over Xmas and so will be divorced sometime between March and June I would guess. It's fairly amicable - no 3rd parties - just fell out of love (if we were ever in it). We have two DC, 10 and 15, who are the lights in what has been a fairly dark time.

I've been a SAHM, now trying to find a job. We've moved to this area 3 years ago (trying to salvage something in our marriage, I think). I made some friends who H doesn't like. Last summer I was v depressed with everything that was going on and perhaps a couple of my friends got fed up with me, being low and crying a lot, so now 3 of them have stopped any kind of contact - one other of them has been lovely, but I feel very conscious not to be 'too much' for her, as I think I must've been too much for the others. This has really hit me as Christmas approaches. I feel very low and lonely.

I should say I'm not a total moaner, always crying etc. I'm funny and a good listener and so on. But I just don't feel part of this 'gang' (which was already established and I joined happily because they were nice and I could tell my marriage was not working) any more - they are all married. I feel very isolated.

I've recently got back in touch with various friends from before my marriage, who H also didn't like (god I'm noticing a theme here), so that's good and it's fun seeing them again, but they don't live near me, so it's not a regular thing, more an occasional meet-up and email exchanges.

What am I asking? Is it normal for friends to drop away? Have I been too much? Anyone who can help me understand all this from their own experience would be really appreciated. Thanks.

Don't blame yourself OP. It happened to me too but I made lovely new friends who will stick by me no matter what, real friends do. I could never quite understand why people dropped off, but they do after divorce and it's when you need them most. Its a sense of fear in their part, not yours and along the same vein as people who avoid you after a bereavement.

I lost some friends when I got divorced and it was hard. I saw another side to a couple of them when they told me not to leave and that I should try harder and stay. Given that they weren’t listening to me I wasn’t minded to explain quite how horrific he was being to me, that I’d been trying for plenty of time and didn’t have a choice but to leave. They were far more interested in maintaining the status quo and my divorce upsetting the social scene than my happiness. Disappointing and hurtful. And I really did miss them. But it eases over time and their loss as they have no relationship with me or my lovely husband. They chose to stick with my horrible ex, to believe his lies that I’d left him with no notice, broken his heart and had no reason to leave him and now they don’t see him either. Oh well!

Sorry you’ve had such a difficult time. Good friends will stick with you and if these people have buggered off it really is their loss in the end and without them around now you have space in your life to meet wonderful new people. Good luck

Thanks Primamadonna - it is very odd behaviour, isn't it. 2 of my friends divorced before I was married and I never thought for a moment that I shouldn't stay contacted with them. In fact, it gave me more people to go out with! I didn't for various reasons to do with H job and young kids but surely you want to go out with friends even more when youve kids and are married?

AnneLovesGilbert (god do I love those books!) -yes I'm seeing a different side to these people too. I keep replaying conversations in my head (probably not a healthy thing to do) where I suddenly realise they were not as kind as I thought they were. I've just been reading threads about people going NC on their relationships and I sort of feel I need to do that with these people. Not that their contacting me obviously but I bumped into one in Tescos last week and I felt like it was me that had to be hilarious and fun when it was them that had shut down on me. Facebook doesn't help either. I've tried to stop looking at it.

So glad to hear you now have a new lovely husband Anne. Feeling pretty about all that!

I found a friend at the bus stop after my ex and I split she has no time for my ex

abbisspartacus yes, I think I need to get out a bit more and meet more people. Not sure how to do that at the moment - after Xmas will be easier - not sure what hobbies to take up! Am hoping a job will turn up after Xmas as well.