another PIL thread

[WhatNowHarry]

Huge backstory with PIL culminating in going NC after numerous trying to get along and it simply being impossible due to our lives being made a misery and PIL, mainly MIL causing unrest and upset with relentless negativity towards DH and I , screaming at me calling me a bitch and various other insults, had a letter sent outlining every terrible thing I'd done to which we decided as a family to go NC.

My question is, how do I now deal with them contacting us again after so long/no contact with their grandkids etc, as if nothing has happened? They have form for previously having an argument then ignoring us for a while then starting contact as though nothing has occurred, previously this was when I was called a bitch, no apology etc just nobody speaking for months then out of the blue contacting as though nothing was wrong.

I am tired of this behaviour and stated this last time it occurred culminating in the letter outlining everything I had ever done wrong/lies about me which prompted NC from us all however it has begun again. Phone calls and texts initially alluding to the NC but now just general conversation/some guilt around if the grandkids remember them.

I just feel anxious thinking of them back in our lives and refuse to engage with this, I have told DH he can speak to them but our kids will not be having a relationship with such people. I just don't understand the cycles of contact and why they abuse us, we go NC, then they come back as though nothing has happened. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it makes no sense. Has anyone had similar?

If you've decided to go NC (sounds sensible) then just keep it up. Just because they are contacting you doesn't mean you have to respond. If you do you will be stuck in a never ending cycle of them abusing you then you going NC until the next time. I've had a similar experience and sadly no matter how badly you want a normal peaceful life people like this won't allow it.

Hi

re your comment:-
"My question is, how do I now deal with them contacting us again after so long/no contact with their grandkids etc, as if nothing has happened? They have form for previously having an argument then ignoring us for a while then starting contact as though nothing has occurred, previously this was when I was called a bitch, no apology etc just nobody speaking for months then out of the blue contacting as though nothing was wrong".

It is not your fault nor your DHs that they are like this. You did not make them this way. Their own families of origin did that to them.

Read up on toxic people and hoovering. They are trying to hoover you again; some toxic people just do not let go at all. No contact is no contact is no contact; block and again ignore their contact is my counsel here. And the same scenario as you describe will happen again if any contact from either of you is made. Disordered of thinking people like his parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. These people have not changed since the last time they did this to you all and such people as well do not change. Do not also subject your children in any way to their emotional manipulations.

You have set a boundary here; what does your H think of both that and his parents now. It may well be that he could do with seeing a therapist about his parents to deal properly with his own fear, obligation and guilt feelings towards them.

I am slightly put out if I'm honest that DH engages at all with them given the past we have with them but I understand it's his family and he respects that I won't be having anything to do with either of them or DC, I just do not understand why or even how they can just come back with no apology or shame or explanation of their behaviour.

There is a reason, or many reasons why you are NC so if you can change your phone numbers. If this is too much hassle then block them, or just ignore.

Don't forget what they have done or said to you.

My Grandma was awful but my parents made us visit her every fortnight. We hated it, she was critical and cruel, compared us to our cousins who were apparently better mannered, better behaved (they weren't) but I wish we weren't exposed to that.

I agree with Tara. You've decided to go nc, which sounds like a good call. We can tend to think that's the end of it but sadly, it isn't. You now have to maintain the nc. It's like learning a new way to live. There are often things to deal with: letters, family celebrations, funerals. You just do the best you can, as you are doing. Try to find ways to see it which work for you.

Them rekindling contact, like nothing ever happened...doesn't mean you engage with them.

Ignore, block and carry on.

I will look up the hoovering. Thanks for your replies. Previouslywhen we have begun contact again I apologised fir anything I had done and asked for us to start afresh.
I got no reciprocal apology which I accepted as perhaps hadn't been a very good DIL.

After last time and calling me a bitch etc I told them to stop flitting in and out of our lives especially since they had simply started contact with no acknowledgement of the upset that had gone before or apology for the revolting things said about me. I was told I should have apologised and given a list of reasons they were justified in abusing me in front of our dc.

I have no time for rekindled relationships. Whoever is at fault is not really the issue, we don't get on, it's toxic so why are they back for more?

You will never understand their behaviour because it is fucked up.

What you can do is sort out your family's actions.

I think you need a massive chat with dh and take it from there. How can he justify contact with them when they have treated you so badly?

Does he now talk to them on the phone? See them? I think he should be NC as well but if he isnt' , surely he doesnt 'have to bring you into it. He can talk to them when you aren't there. Don't be tainted with it.

However, it sounds like you could do with some couple counselling to talk this through and he has some support for seeing what shits his parents are.

I just don't understand the cycles of contact and why they abuse us, we go NC, then they come back as though nothing has happened. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it makes no sense

Nothing about narcissists makes 'sense'.
They operate on a whole different level.

I agree with a PP that this 'contact' is all about hoovering you back into their games.
Have you read up on narcissists, their tactics and how to manage them?
If not then i think you will feel a whole lot better for doing so and things/patterns will start to make sense for you.

They're hoovering you back in so they can use you for their narc 'supply'.
Like vampires they need blood to survive, they've probably discarded or been discarded by their latest victims (narcs ALWAYS have a 'current' victim and 'reserve' victims) and now they're back to bleed you dry once more.

Not acknowledging their behaviour or apologizing for it is their way of devaluing you and minimizing everything.

Your dh has fallen for their manipulations but you don't have to.

Some tidbits on narc hoovering to get you started -

www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/hoovering-is-timeless/

..........Coincidental Hoovering. This phenomenon, more often than not, happens to the former partners, and relatives of narcissists. It’s when you finally start feeling some relief and peace in your life and make a giant Stover move like finally deleting your ex’s telephone number, or an even bigger Stover move, and change your number, and then out of the blue, you receive some kind of communication or an unexpected visit from your narcissist.
When we receive hoover messages, we instantly begin engaging in loophole-type thinking. We avoid the negative, and override the little voices in our heads, and get lost in the hope, and potential of things.
If we neglect to read between the lines of these hoover messages or fail to remind ourselves of all the reasons we made the decision to implement no contact in the first place, we are setting ourselves up for even worse treatment the second time around. Post hoover relationships always begin with a brief honeymoon period where everything is Amaaaazing, and then they are followed by an even worse, and more rapid devalue period than the first go round.

Above para is quoted from -
freefromtoxic.com/2016/12/27/11-common-narcissistic-hoovering-tactics/

lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

"What’s the point of hoovering? To regain a sense of control over you. Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless,so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image..................................Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again...................................Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you"

Thanks for the messages and links. I read and watched numerous YouTube videos and it was like a lightbulb moment. That's what she is..a narc. Everything that's happened is textbook. The returning into our lives after months away once we are happy is textbook.

We've had more messages wishing us happy Xmas which we have ignored completely. I honestly think they must be confused as this normally works. We normally get hoovered back in.