I'm embarrassed about this - I don't know why

[cubbychops]

it's about my dad.

My dad is a very intelligent person, but turns into an idiot when he has a drink. He doesn't even have to have many to get like this. Only 2 pints and you can tell he has had a drink.

My mum rung me on Friday to tell me that he had a fall and might need stitches. He had also lost his bag containing his new glasses (which cost £300).

Me and my mum went out to look for the bag and even involved someone else to look for it, we had to tell them that he was drunk. We found the bag and then took him to A&E. He needs a skin graft on his ear, it looks disgusting.

This about the 4th time this year that he has fallen over. He has almost burnt their house down a few times when he has gone to make dinner and fallen asleep.

He's not old, mid fifties.

I find it hard to speak to him about it, he doesn't listen to me. My sister is the only one who could talk some sense into him but she shys away from any kind of confrontation.

Although, if I was my mum, I would have kicked him out years ago.

I tried telling him yesterday that I feel both worried and angry with him when he goes out, but my mum took it as another opportunity to nag him a bit more, so I don't know if he took any notice of what I said.

As you've probably guessed I've namechanged.

I love my dad, but hate the things he does when he has a drink.

Nagging won't work. He doesn't have to be intelligent to know that his behaviour after a drink is unacceptable. It sounds like he's in denial about the demands it puts on his family.

Sorry to say this - I think you dad has a problem with alcohol. He won't change until he accepts that. I think talking to him gently is the way to go - don't mention anger, just go with worried, sad, concerned, frightened.

Good luck - and no need to feel embarrassed.

I'm surprised that such a slight amount of drink affects him...if he drinks frequently

Is he honest about how much he drinks?

not much you can do really, any change in his habits has got to come from within

We don't ask him how much he drinks, but my dh and sisters dp drink with him occasionally and when they get back he is noticably worse for wear. Dh usually drives them, so dh only has a shandy. When my DH and I discuss him, he agrees that he doesn't drink a lot.

if he doesn't drink much and he is enjoying the social life then I wouldn't worry too much

alternatively if he has symptoms re losing his balance, change in personality, forgetfulness then he should have a check up to rule out a more serious illness

Cubbychops
I could have written your post for you a few years ago.
My dad was such a popular, funny man when he didn't drink - but as soon as he had a drink he was a changed man. It was a gradual process that really stepped up a gear over a few years - and eventually it reached the stage that the alcohol had affected his body so much that hardly any had a bad effect on him.
On many occasions he nearly burned the house down as he would turn the cooker on and forget about it - eventually he became a liability to not only himself but to my mum as well.
Me and my sisters all live away from home so unlike you didn't necessarily know how bad the situation was becoming as my mum believed it was something to be embarassed of and tried to cope on her own.
We all tried our hardest to speak to him - to not lecture - to tell him how worried we were to convince hom that he needed help for himself etc. We orghanised events to give him things to look forward to - hid his car keys so he couldn't hurt himself - many things - but unfortunately he was in denial and was complete proof that you can not make someone with an alcohol problem do something unless the decision comes from them.
The situation became so bad that eventually he was admitted to hospital and we were told that we would lose him - but two years on he is still alive and still has a bad alcohol problem.
Through it all it has led to my parents divorcing after 38 years and through the last almost three years of hell my father has spent time in prison and currently flits between sheltered housing and the streets. He is 66 and as a family we have had to come to terms with the fact that we have done all we can. I haven't still fully accepted this - but have learned to live with it - but still the shame and embarassment is something I find hard to deal with.

I don't want to alarm you with my story - but really to let you know that you are doing your best - that there is so little that you can do - that your dad will have to make decisions for himself - you can be as loving caring and supportive as you can - but don't let it drag you down. Until the day he knows he has to make changes nothing anyone else says will make a difference.

We used al anon as a family www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ because although he wasn't prepared to seek any help it helped us as a family to try to understand and it really would be worth you looking into this. It was a way of reacing people of all ages from all walks of life with family and frineds with different degrees of problems.
I wish you all the very best and if you would like to speak to me please feel free to contact me.

I would be concerned that he hardly drinks yet has a problem of confusion which would make me feel that the gp should give him a check up to rule out any hidden problem