Partner txting other men - but makes out im the jealous one

[MrFlowers]

Hi,

So bit of background - been together 7 years, with kids.. I would say we are in a stable happy relationship... No trust issues etc - however, there have been a couple of incidents that have caused issues.. the latest being this weekend..

Original incident was about 5 years ago. We were out and about and my battery had died. I used her phone to check the football scores and i noticed a txt conversation with some guy. His were more flirty, but she wasnt discouraging him - ie one text mentioned something like "i was dreaming about you last night" and her reply was "tell me more".. So its all open to interpritation. I did nothing, but it came to a head a few days later when her phone was one the bedside table and i saw a text pop up from him. I couldnt read it, as it was on the lock screen of the phone, and she would know i had read the txt. When i checked a bit later, the complete txt trail to the guy had been deleted. I raised it with her and she put it back on me, ie being jealous etc - turns out the guy was her ex and she eventually admitted that some of his texts had been inapropirate - hence she had deleted. We drew a line under it and she said she wouldnt encourage him / reply if he text.. end off

5 years later and his contact is near zero.. Until he sends her a birthday text.. Just wishing happy birthday.. think nothing of it.. Until about a week later when i'm using her phone to txt my mum as daughter has my phone downstairs, and notice there is no message from this ex.. Raise it with her and she gets defensive and says she was just clearing out old texts.. I point out that every txt is there except one from him? She basically puts it back on me and says i'm the jealous one... Again, we kind of draw a line under it and say no more....

Fast forward to yesterday and i wake up to my daughter playing on my phone. I take it off her to check email / txts but realise its the Mrs phone.. However, the top text is off a guy i dont know ( different guy to the ex above ) .. Not many txts ( ie not a full blown flirty conversation ) , but they go back 3 months. First is from the day after they met on a night out, with him saying what a great night it was and they should do it again - 2nd is her telling him she is out with mates and asking if he will be out from 4 weeks ago.. and the 3rd is the same again.. Her asking him if he was out last night to meet up.

checked again a few hours later and the whole text trail had been deleted again. I raised it with her, and yet again, she is making out like i dont trust her and im the jealous boyfriend.

Apparently the guy is just a mate of a mate, and they got on great on a night out..

Her reason for deleting the txts was because if i read them, i might get annoyed over it ? All innocent and just mates etc..

But she doesnt see anything wrong with meeting / texting other guys and makes out like i am the one in the wrong... basically saying i dont trust her..

Thoughts on this ? Am i being unreasonable to not expect my partner to text other men, then delete the messages ?

thanks

She's right. You seem to mess with her phone a lot. If she was up to something, she wouldn't let you anywhere near her phone. Your checking her phone is really invasive. Women are capable of having platonic male friends, let her talk to her friends.

I 100% do not think you are being unreasonable. She’s in the wrong and she is turning it all on you to make you out to be the bad guy. (Yes maybe you shouldn’t be going through her phone) but she also shouldn’t be texting exes and men she meets on nights out and if the tables were turned I’m sure people on here would be telling you to leave him he’s not trustworthy and he’s playing you.
I would firstly try talk to her and just explain that your not happy bc it’s not ok to be 1 flirting and 2 not being honest. Say you just want the truth but tbh I don’t think she will even tell you the truth.
Good luck

I think you have every right to be upset.

She was caught once flirting with an ex and you discussed it and drew a line. Fair enough.

But her repeated efforts texting the ex again, deleting the texts and contacting this new man are concerning and it can be a slippery slope.

Remember what can start out with the whole "what you doing?" type texts, can end up with "lets meet up at so and so hotel". A former colleague of mine desperate to start an affair used to do this all the time at our work place with female friends. Start with seemingly innocent "what you doing today" texts move to "you looked beautiful this morning" texts and progress to "lets do this, meet me at x" . He was calculated but others just get caught slipping down that slope.

Hopefully this will not happen with you but tbh it seems like her latest texts with the new guy are fishing ones, seeing when he's next out to set up a meet up with him.

All you can do is talk to her and explain how hurt you are.

Just to say I have reread your op and think to be fair deleting the happy birthday text from the ex might just be her not wanting to upset you.

But the new man texts should be nipped in the bud.

You have every right to be upset because it's information she is keeping from you. If I found out my partner was secretly messaging a member of the opposite sex I would hit the roof. To me, if she wants to message male friends, she needs to be open and honest with you about it, tell you who the friend is and for you to know them too. Anything kept a secret is a red flag to me. Sorry OP.

Also, why is she giving her phone number out to men on nights out? Seems a bit disrespectful towards you. Again, I wouldn't be happy about it.