Feeling a bit sad, wanting another child

[BlatantRedhead]

I've name changed for this, although I usually name change at least once a year due to new inspirations. Been on MN since 2011 anyway.

I really want another child but DP has refused on the grounds of finance. He's right, but the ache for another baby is so intense...

We have 11 yr old DSD and 2.5 yr old DS so it's not like we need another, but I'm longing for one so badly some days it's all I can think about.

Honestly I can't believe I even feel like this. I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum with DS which lasted the full 10 months, I was hospitalised repeatedly throughout, went overdue and had to be induced but it went horribly wrong and some very traumatic stuff happened, had an EMCS, picked up and infection and passed this onto DS, also had to be resussed and almost died, then afterwards I couldn't care for DS for several days due to cannula and various other things, failed to breastfeed as no one noticed DS had tongue tie which I utterly blamed myself for and then developed PND and couldn't bond with him.

Believe it or not I am past that stuff, DS and I have a special relationship. I'm perhaps a bit too soft with him because he (and my love for him) was so hard-earned. But I think part of me wants to try again to see if I can get it right this time, even though I know loads of that stuff wasn't my fault. But it's not just that. Every time I see a tiny one I long to hold one of my own again. I didn't appreciate it when DS was tiny, I just felt angry, disconnected and heart broken.

I'd like DS to have a little brother or sister. DSD has also said she's like us to have another. As young as she was (only 8 when DS was born) she was incredible with him when I had PND and we grew very close in the months after he was born. I partly feel guilty about that too as I was 'supposed' to be bonding with DS but kept leaving him with DP to go and do stuff with DSD to get away from him.

I think adding to this feeling is the fact that DS had his first hair cut today and he suddenly looks like a little boy instead of a baby (in my eyes), but I have felt like this for a long while now.

DP is not in the wrong, I do know this. He was wonderful throughout the pregnancy, birth and the aftermath, he and DS adore one another. DS is his little doppelganger. He has looked into numbers - our total income and how we would manage finances with another baby. I earn slightly more than him but we do need both incomes to afford our home. He doesn't know how we would afford childcare, that's his only problem. Currently my sister childminds DS 4 days a week at a hugely reduced rate so we are very lucky. If we had another I wouldn't expect her to take them too, I'd want to leave my job and stay at home with both babies. DP is adamant we can't afford this.

I know he's right, I know I'm unreasonable and emotional, but I so badly want another. Sorry this is so long and thanks if you've got this far, I'm not sure what I'm asking for. I just want to feel less sad..

What happens if it doesn't go your way again? One more? Two?

Your DH is right to say no based on finances given you can't afford childcare and want to stop working.

You could use the time to save to cover the childcare costs and concede that you would have to stay in work and then both sit down and look at finances after childcare with regards to costs of a third family child?

I know that feeling very well, and sometimes you just have to let it all out so don't apologise.
I also have two, despite numerous miscarriages, and was very unwell for both pregnancies. I had CMHC support pre DS1 and post, and getting over the pregnancy, the fact I had to quit work at 6m and lose the much-needed income, a traumatic birth, time in HDU, horrendous bullying by a midwife and a very poorly baby for the first 2wks (went from 8lb 5oz to 6lb 13oz in 10 days), all took its toll on me and DH. I felt a failure and was self harming for months. DH had so much to deal with and we were both adament we'd never do it again.
We did go on to have another DS when DS when 3, but we were both very scared and went on a private Natal Hypnotherapy course to help us.
Again, pregnancy was awful. I was carrying twins and lost one; I had severe anaemia and SPD again; the birth was difficult and, despite feeling like I'd laid some ghosts to rest, I had an even worse PPH than first time around and emergency surgery when DS2 was less than an hour old, and he was in an incubator. And despite the surgery, I bled heavily for over 20 weeks after, and scans showed I'd developed PCOs and may be infertile. I was devastated, which DH failed to understand. He simply said "Well, we weren't having any more anyway." That did a lot of damage as I felt I'd had my right to make a choice about further children taken away from me. Twice.
A third would never have replaced DS2's twin, and there was nothing wrong with 2 DC, but to have my decision made for me regardless really did cause so much hurt. When DH and I talked about it, he asked why 2 wasn't enough; said there was no way we could afford it (which I knew was true); that he couldn't watch me struggle so much again, and that he didn't want to have more and an old dad. I couldn't argue with the finances, nor could I be so selfish as to force him into having a child he didn't want, but I was still so unhappy. I thought about it all the time, couldn't look at baby pics, resented my sister when she became pregnant unintentionally, resented my husband (unfairly, I know), lost my sex drive totally and was incredibly depressed. I even thought about leaving as I felt my resentment would get the better of me.

So.....all in all, I can relate to quite a bit of what you'd said. I guess after such a MASSIVE reply, I can offer little advice, but a lot of understanding. The heart and desire are very powerful, and despite the head winning out, it doesn't stop the longing. I know that. Hormones can be a curse too, and it's hardly unnatural to respond to them when they're urging you to do what you and your body were designed to do.
Keep talking about how you feel, that's so important. I kept getting told the feelings would slowly lessen over time and that it would get easier in time. I don't know if that's true or not, but I know being totally open with DH about the strength of my feelings has been so important.

Give it another year then your son will be in school by the time your next baby born and much cheaper

Oh and get some counselling over your birth and post birth experiences - they sound v traumatic. It’ll help to work through the memories in your head.

@MrsHelenBee so sorry you had to go through all that I didn't put all the stuff that happened to us in my post because it would have been too long but I can sooo sympathise with your experience! And it amazes me that despite it all, this feeling of wanting a baby has come back. It's such an over powering feeling in my heart and directly contradicts my head.

@YellowMakesMeSmile that's a good compromise - put it off a year to save for childcare. I might put that to DP. He's firmly in the no more kids camp at the moment (although pre-DS he wanted at least 2 more).

@Rainbowandraindrops67 when I first started wanting another it was initially because I wanted DS to have a little brother or sister close to his age. I'm struggling with the idea of a big age gap like there is between DS and DSD. It is a fair suggestion though to wait a year or so. My hearts just saying now now now, that's all.