Husband Being Unreasonable

[KateWG]

Hi there! Brand new to MN. Desperate in need of some advice as I really have no one to turn to at the moment. I've been married just over 1 year, planning kids for next year, currently living in Rio, DH is Brazilian (I love him dearly) and 18 years my senior. Every time I get upset over something he has said or done he will never own up and apologise, says I'm playing the victim, blames it on my PMS or turns it round as if to say I'm the bad one in the story, also threatens every time to end it all as he says he's never had to deal with arguments in a relationship before. Am totally flat, every thing I say just seems completely pointless...please someone help shed a light!!!

Don't have kids & leave. Will you be living in Brazil when you have kids? I think that would be a bad idea.

It's so great when you don't have kids because you don't have to put up with any nonsense. He doesn't make you happy - get away from him.

It really is that simple.

Why do you "love him dearly" when he treats you so badly?

He does that did you dare not argue with him and it's intended to silence you.

That's not a good way to deal with things and i suggest you ask how he'd like to discuss and resolve disagreements... because there will be differences of opinion.

Don’t stay with this person. You have an attachment to someone who may well be charismatic but that doesn’t mean anythjng in real terms. We can attach emotionally to the worst people sometimes.

It’s hard to leave and break away and takes courage, but it’s always best to find that courage.

Thanks for all the replies, I know that in this day and age leaving someone is always an option we can turn to, but I would really like to make a go at it, marriage to me is a serious business and feel that both sides have a lot to work at. I'm not defending his behaviour in any way here, it really does hurt me when he treats me like that and I will not put up with it, but honestly it is one of his only defects (you must all think I'm mad here), he would give me the world if he could and really does make me happy, this behaviour of his when we argue is just a problem I cannot seem to find an answer to how to deal with.

So, when all is well, you agree, nothing is wrong, he is wonderful and lovely.

How much of a disagreement does it take for him to start with the threats etc?

Can you see yourself living with no valid opinions for the rest of your life together?

Was he like this before you got married or has it materialised after?

"I know that in this day and age leaving someone is always an option we can turn to, but I would really like to make a go at it, marriage to me is a serious business and feel that both sides have a lot to work at"

It takes two to make a marriage work. He is patently not interested in working at it and by being there at all you are putting up with his ill treatment of you. He threatening to end it all is manipulation 101 and also designed to control you keep you in your place. I doubt also that this from him is the only one of his major defects either; you may well be simply kidding yourself here in that respect. The only way forward re you ultimately is to leave this man.

Abusers as well are not nasty all the time; if they were then no-one would be with them. You actually are in the nice/nasty cycle of abuse with him and that is a continuous one. There is no answer other than leaving.

Please do not bring children into this; he does not love you and he will do his bit to show them this frankly crap example of how their parents relationship is conducted.

Having children is a whole lot more serious business than being married. I had children in Germany (am from UK) and as soon as I had them I realised the full seriousness of being tied to this country for the rest of my life as a result. I thought I knew it before, but it only really hit me after our daughter was born. I'm happy living here now, even though our marriage broke down, but it took many, many years for me to get this far.

One reason I settled down with my ex is that he said a marriage was something to work at. I was impressed that he was willing to put in an effort. At the time, anyway. Later I realised he was not willing to put in any effort and that he meant marriage was something I should work at.

This is a huge red flag; he is controlling your behaviour. You say that you will not put up with it, but you are doing just that, because he is not listening to you and is continuing to do it, so you have no choice but to put up with it.

If you have children with him, then leaving him probably won't be an option, will it, unless you are happy with being a single mum on your own in Brazil.

Why are you planning to have children next year? What's so special about next year?

I don't think anyone is telling you to leave him because you argue; most couples argue. But the way he is arguing is eventually going to grind you down until you are too scared to say or do anything without worrying about how he's going to respond. It's emotionally abusive and although you want to work on your marriage, you can't do it alone and it's not going to work unless he recognises what he is doing and gets help to stop it.

Please don't have children with this man. At the very least, could you get some independent counselling to help you see what the long term effects of his behaviour will be?

this behaviour of his when we argue is just a problem I cannot seem to find an answer to how to deal with
It is a problem that he would need to acknowledge and deal with. You cannot deal with it alone.

says I'm playing the victim
Guilting you into shutting up.

blames it on my PMS
Making out that you are irrational so that you will try to prove him wrong by shutting up.

turns it round as if to say I'm the bad one in the story
Gaslighting you to shut you up.

threatens every time to end it all
Bullying you to shut you up.

It won't take many years of this behaviour before you will simply shut up.

Oh dear, OP. Then there's nothing to be done.

Sometimes the hardest and bravest thing we can do in our relationships is take a step back and take an objective and honest look at our situation and then at our needs.

Why is he saying and doing things that upset you? You should be able to say when something upsets you or you don't like something, without being told that you're crazy or sensitive or irrational for not liking everything he does. You're not an extension of him. When someone doesn't accept that they are wrong or that other people will not always like or tolerate what they do then they are usually very self absorbed. Being self absorbed is one sure way to guarantee a marriage won't work. Marriage requires compromise. You can't always be right and you can't always convince others that you haven't hurt them. He might be 18 years older than you, but he sounds like he might never have learnt this about life. Has he been married before?
Why did other relationships end if they were so hunky dory and argument free? Not having arguments would ring alarm bells for me, women suffering domestic abuse often don't argue back. Be careful. Maybe chat with your doctor about this for some advise before you think about children.

There is no solution for you except to end the marriage.

This is his choice to behave like this. You can't stop him. You can't convince him.

It sounds like you're ok with it continuing anyway, since you reject the only actual solution.

So, I recommend beginning your savings plan for your children's therapy. It's a real shame you'd choose a father like this for them, but then, again it seems to be what you want, so just make sure you provide for the kids future misery as they grow up to create their own abusive relationships to mirror what they saw in mum and dad

Don't not have a child with this man. He is not a good person.

Please god do not bring kids into this car crash.

Hate to put my armchair psychology hat on, but I'm sensing daddy issues.