Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this ok ?

13 replies

Cantspellbutimmagic · 15/12/2017 23:49

I have been with my husband for around 10 years
Over time things have got worse and worse regarding our relationship .
I am always walking around on egg shells he explodes in a rages every day
This can be Followed by weeks of not speaking to me unless to sware at me or be horrible
Everything is always my fault no matter what the issue is
I tried to behave in different ways overtime thinking it was my fault we were like this
I stood up for myself , I stayed silent , I did everything he asked for and more , I tried arguing back - nothing works he just wants more . If I bled it would not be red enough.

Nothing works , I’m not in a position to leave him and he has not been violent to me physically . Apart from pushing me and spitting in my face

I tried getting a third party view - they said run to a shelter . I cannot do this and I feel silly wasting there time

He says he’s a great guy because he has a good job and doesn’t drink or smoke , that I should be great full - but why does it hurt so much ?
It’s like a cycle of him being nice then it escalates in to tantrums followed by days of silent treatment .... just as I feel I can’t take anymore . He changes back to the nice guy
And I wonder if it’s all in my mind ?
I suggested many times if he hates me and doesn’t love me why does he stay ?
He says he will never leave
And he would kill me before I left him.
I’m so sad and alone - is this my life :(
Am I over reacting , or should I just be happy with the bed I made :(

OP posts:
Buck3t · 15/12/2017 23:59

No this is not normal. No you do not deserve this. Someone will be along later with really wise words on how to take action.

They'll mention woman's aid, the freedom programne and possibly threats of violence being reported to the police.

It might be a lot for you to take in at first. But remember you came for support, congratulations on making that first step. There is light at the end of the tunnel. MN will help you through it.

Didn't want you to think no-one was reading.

Shankarankalina · 16/12/2017 00:01

Pushing you and spitting in your face IS being physically violent.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 00:06

Of course you are not over reacting.

Do you know how you would leave if you wanted to?

Shankarankalina · 16/12/2017 00:07

Please don't feel silly about at least enquiringly about seeking help from Women's Aid or similar. I'm sorry to tell you but it is for people exactly like you.

I say this kindly. I've a friend who would do shop runs for her local women's refuge. Meanwhile she was living in fear at home. Her situation was not 'as bad as' that of some of the women she met, as she saw it. But she was the one afraid to go to sleep at night and they were safe and protected.

SandyY2K · 16/12/2017 00:10

He is mentally and emotionally abusing you. You would not be wasting the time of the shelter.

This isn't right.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2017 07:56

Please call Woman's Aid urgently.
You need to get out.
This is bad.
Very very bad.
Call. 0808 2000 247.
Keep trying.

OnTheRise · 16/12/2017 10:13

He's being horribly abusive towards you. And this sends chills down my spine:

He says he will never leave
And he would kill me before I left him.

He's threatened to kill you if you try to leave.

You need to speak to Women's Aid, work out an escape plan, and get away without telling him that you're going. And tell the police, so that they can protect you.

You're in danger. This is not a good time for you.

Angelf1sh · 16/12/2017 11:18

Of course it’s not ok, you should leave. If you think he’d be a danger to you if you tried then think about having someone with you at the time, or notifying the police in advance.

Somethingfantastic89 · 16/12/2017 11:29

OP if you're even wondering about this being ok or normal, he's gotten into your head. Unfortunately this is very common in abusive relationship, where the victim feels it's all their fault or that they can't really judge the situation. Start thinking about leaving, you deserve much better Thanks

Iooselipssinkships · 16/12/2017 14:49

Oh goodness. I've come across a few women who will say he's not violent but has pushed/spat/slapped/thrown objects. Violence isn't just a punch or being beaten up. It's a push, a shove and spitting at you is assault. My ex would spit into my mouth and over my face throughout the abuse and I hated it more than the broken nose.
Honestly this is not good. He's dangerous and sounds a lot like the ex I mentioned. I've said it before but he tried to kill me when I was leaving. He was arrested fot attempted murder. That's how serious and dangerous these men can be.
I'm lucky to be writing this, you need to get yourself safe asap. Women's Aid, police, GP. Tell tell tell!!!

twiney · 16/12/2017 15:12

I really feel for you.

You are being abused.
Get out now and start your new life.

beanaseireann · 18/07/2018 16:29

Sweetheart you need to contact Women's Aid as soon as possible.
Threatening to kill you if you lead ShockShock
You are in danger.
What use will you be to your dc if you are dead and he and / or his family rear your dc ?
GET HELP TO GET OUT.

disappearingninepatch · 18/07/2018 16:32

Please call Woman's Aid urgently.
You need to get out.
This is bad.
Very very bad.
Call. 0808 2000 247.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page