advice for a friend who was unwittingly the OW

[feefiifoofum]

This advice is for a friend (genuinely) she is not on mumsnet. I am trying to remember what the general consensus is on doing this and to be able to advise her properly.

My friend was dating a man from 2014-the end of 2016. They were sleeping together, going on holiday together, meeting each other's parents etc. The cause of the break up was that he told her he had been contacted by an "old friend" who wanted to have a baby and felt it was her last chance (she was early 40s) and had asked him to father the baby and he felt sorry for her and he was considering it. My friend, was naturally shocked and broken hearted and said absolutely not and broke up with him.

He has been pestering her since then and keeps trying to come back in and out of her life, keeps trying to sleep with her, will seemingly not let her move on by making her out to be the bad one who has broken his heart, and portraying this woman (who he has now had a baby with) as a desperate, lonely, 40-year old with no other options etc. He has tried to persuade my friend that they too should start a family together.

Through various social media channels, my friend eventually came across the Facebook profile of this supposedly "miserable, desperate" 40-something year old woman, only to discover that she has been married to this loser for four years and had not one, but two children.

In response to being pestered by this man, my friend sent a frank reply telling him that she had found out that he was married this whole time and that she never wants to speak to him again. He responded that the woman was the "mother of his child but nothing else." Despite not responding to this, he has continued to pester her telling her she is "crazy" and a "stalker," for finding out this (supposedly) "false" information on Facebook.

My friend is now very tempted to tell his wife and is trying to think about the best way to do it. She has ample evidence - texts from him begging to sleep with her, him dismissing his wife as "just some desperate middle-aged woman who wants a baby," years and years of them since 2014. It is pretty undeniable.

Should she do it? And if so, how should she do it?

I fucking would!

It's a no-brainer. She should tell the wife.

Absolutely. The wife should be allowed to make her own informed decision about staying with this piece of subhuman scum, particularly where there are two innocent children involved. She’s done nothing wrong.

Yes she should tell the wife. Wife deserves to know. There's a concern in these situations in case it comes back on your friend or wife goes nuts at her etc but honestly telling her is the right thing to do. I'd be tempted to do it anonymously at first to get a hold on how the wife responds before showing my face as if she takes husband's side and refuses to believe it she could make life very painful for your friend.

I'm still stuck at the bit where she met his parents as his lover and they didn't say a thing, despite his relatively recent marriage and even more recent babies?

Spill

Yes. Tell her.

Who did his parents think your friend was?!

So who did the parents think they were meeting? Could it be she's his x wife/gf?
Personally I would tell her but I'd wait till after Christmas particularly if she has young dc's

My friend believes his parents were complicit with the whole thing. That he also sold the "feeling sorry for the older woman" story to his parents too, and that they believed their son was doing some kind of act of charity for this woman.

It's just that on facebook there are registry office wedding photos!

Thank you for all replies so far

I'd tell the wife and show evidence.

So are you saying his parent's didn't know he was married?

Fuck yeah, get right on in there. He’s stayed with her for something, might as well take that something away!