WTF! He wants to spend Xhristmas together!

[starlightmum]

Hi everyone, first time poster long time lurker. My ex DH and I split just under a year ago it's been really fucking hard and we've just got ourselves in a routine with DD. now he wants to spend our first Christmas since we separated with us like everything is the way it was I'm not happy about this, is it unreasonable to not want to have Christmas with him?

No it is not unreasonable.
I dont think it is unreasonable of him to ask either though.

Me and my exDH often spend Christmases together,for the sake of DAD. But you get to get to that point of being civilised and friendly in order put children needs first .Kuds are very happy they get to spend Christmas as a family

For the sake of DSs

Big fat no. Sod what he wants (although if I was cynical I would think he wants the day at yours 'for sake of dd' and take advantage of the food and organising that you do over Christmas to save him the hassle of making his own Xmas with dd).
Tell him no chance and arrange for him to have some time over Xmas with his dd at his own place. He is after getting his feet under the table, cheeky twat.

I presume you just mean Christmas Day .... food, presents etc then him going away. If you’ve got a civilised arrangement between you and you don’t have anything (anyone?) else planned, then why not?

He's not unreasonable to ask and you're not unreasonable to say no.

If he gets stroppy about you saying no then he is unreasonable.

My ex used to come round in the morning and see the children open their presents and would have them for tea later on in the day. Might that work?

It a pretty clear the OP doesn't want to spend time with him at Christmas, so that it reason enough!

I obviously want to make it easier on DD and we do spend time together as a family occasionally. But it just seems if we do family holidays together and we see each other a lot anyway it doesn't feel like we can move on..

It's your decision. You can agree, refuse, or compromise. Entirely up to you. I hope that you have a good Christmas whatever you decide x

Xh and I do Christmas together. I don't particularly want to but it's not for me. Christmas has always been about family for me and the DC would miss him if he weren't there.
How old is your DD? Would she notice if he's not there? Would he be capable of being civilised and putting her first on the day?
It's not unreasonable for him to ask but it wouldn't be unreasonable to say no either.

Not at all unreasonable. It's understandable that he will miss her during Christmas, but it could be confusing for her and a stress for you.

Or... he just doesn't want the hassle.

You know him better.

Regardless, I'd try to arrange something that is fair for both, either split Christmas day or start a routine of one day with one this year and with the other next year and so on.

Worst case, maybe he could pop by for an hour or so and then leave.

Think hard about whether the DC will be confused and think you're getting back together ifbyou do anything joint - this happened to a friend of mine, his little boys were quite upset when Xmas was over as they thought having everyone back together was going to last :-(.
You ex may be worried about the day being so different from previous years, due to the split, but its better that get used to a different routine than you pretend things haven't changed.

Better to start as you mean to go on imo. Have your own Christmas with dd,

I used to do this, but the kids do pick up on the tension. I wish I'd stopped it years before I did.

If you want to compromise, offer for him to pop round for an hour after dinner. That way he can't turn up late morning and try to get an invitation. But moving forward it's only fair that he gets to spend Christmas with her too, so you're probably looking at alternate years.

I can understand not wanting to play happy families with him being there when DD wakes up and staying until she goes to bed that night. What would you like to see happen? Is there room for compromise?

When you speak about 'moving on' do you mean that you and/or exDH are having difficulty accepting that you are no longer a couple and spending Xmas together would 'set you back' emotionally or would give him false hopes? Or do you worry that DD would be set back emotionally?

We did it for ten years. But it suited us as it was what made the children happy. I could grit my teeth for a day and ex got a nice day with the children in their own home. He left early evening to go back to OW, I drank lots of wine!!
Tbh it was before the days of fathers regularly having children 50% of the time or having the children for Christmas every other year
I think life is very different now and, if you don't feel comfortable, don't do it

Is he offering to host?

We did this for the first two years. He came round mid morning and stayed until early evening. It wasn't my idea of a great day but it was the best thing for us at the time. Now the kids wake up at my house and stay with me until late afternoon before going to their dads for the evening and staying there for a few days. My kids were 12 and 15 when we split though.

My exW and I split the Christmas hols. She gets one week, I get the other, alternating so we get Christmas Eve and Day every other year.

It’s not what I’d want in an ideal world, and it took a while for her to realise she was being unreasonable in wanting every Christmas to herself, but it’s the best compromise possible for the DC and the two of us given the distance.

If you can manage to get on, and unless you’re prepared to alternate in some way, then I think it would be nicer for your DD if you were both there.

Nope.

Wouldnt happen chez charis

If you aren't comfortable just say no. You are not together and don't have to pretend to be if you don't want to.