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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Talking over me constantly, help?!

26 replies

Wetdaydryday · 15/12/2017 09:45

I’ve got a problem that I forgot I had! My sister in law does this thing to me... we’ll be having a conversation, and she stops talking, so I start, and the minute I start she will start talking again. Every single time. I’d forgotten as I haven’t seen her since the beginning of the year. The other day we had a phone conversation and she did it throughout. We are spending a week together over Christmas and I’m after advice on how to deal with this? I’m not sure if she does it to anyone else in the family, I need to look out for that. To make it worse, I mentioned it to my partner and he said well you do interrupt all the time! He can be very overbearing and loud and doesn’t stop talking until he’s drained every last word out of a subject. Sometimes, he has the facts wrong, such as a day, or venue,so I will interrupt to say this, not to be a know all at all. That’s the only time I interrupt him. I feel so minimised by him in some social situations, he takes over and I shrink. I’m pissed off that he straight away said I was in the wrong, didn’t discuss it with me.
I’ve spoken to a good friend who says I don’t interrupt, and she sometimes avoids meeting up with us as a couple because he takes over the conversation and she can’t talk to me. She thinks he does this due to insecurity and isn’t aware of how overpowering he is.
I can pull him up on this, and have, but how to deal with my sister in law? I like her and want to address and stop this before it continues for the whole Christmas holiday!

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/12/2017 10:33

I had to teach my DH not to interrupt. He had a bad habit of speaking louder to make sure nobody could speak over him. I pointed out he looked like an arsehole and he's stopped now.

Your SIL...you can't call her an arsehole but you can raise your hand and say "I can't get a word in!...I was just saying..." and laugh.

TopOfTheCliff · 15/12/2017 10:44

My OH talks a LOT and sometimes the only way to get a word in is to talk over him or tell him to be quiet! But he is lovely and knows he can be annoying.
I think your problem is your partner's family havent learned how to play the conversation game where you pass the ball back and forth taking turns to talk. They seem to want to hold on to the ball. Could you maybe raise this as an issue "I have noticed that when you speak you don't give me a chance to reply and it makes me feel ... etc" If they aren't self obsessed they will try to adapt. If not you have a bigger problem! Why are you with someone overbearing and loud who makes you shrink?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/12/2017 10:50

When she starts talking over you do not stop talking

This will confuse her.

It might take an uncomfortably long time of both speaking before she realises.

Previously, if you always stopped first it has reinforce her belief that her words are more important than yours.

Make a game of it in your head. Count how many times she talks over you and how many seconds it took before she stopped. Keep a tally.

oliveinacampervan · 15/12/2017 11:11

Blimey OP. I feel sorry for you! Being put down and dominated by this arrogant fucking family!

As if it isn't bad enough that your SIL talks over you like you are irrelevant; your partner is saying it's ok, and doing the same to you.

Short of saying I AM TALKING!!! WAIT TIL I HAVE FINISHED every single time. I don't know what to suggest.

oliveinacampervan · 15/12/2017 11:14

I know a couple of people who have the habit (occasionally) of starting to talk when I am speaking; I carry on talking and completely ignore them. They look a bit Hmm then they realise what they have done, and then they are like Blush

Try that maybe???

(Although the people I know don't do it on purpose; it sounds like your SIL does. I can't get past your partner saying it's OK, she is doing nothing wrong, and it's YOU who is at fault. Fuck me! Hmm )

ThatsWotSheSaid · 15/12/2017 11:16

Are they on the spectrum op? A lot of people who are autistic find turn taking in conversation really hard.

Original poster
Wetdaydryday · 15/12/2017 11:37

Thanks for your replies. No they are not on the spectrum and to clarify my sis in law is my brother’s partner, not my partner’s sister, so not from the same family.
I’ve just realised that my brother does the same thing, thinking about me continuing to talk once they interrupt me, I tried that with him last time I saw him but he carried on and on talking so I stopped! I do wonder now if they are aware they are doing it to me..... they both have jobs where people have to listen to them, perhaps they really do think their words are more important than mine.
My partner has loads of good qualities and when I occasionally pull him up on his behaviour he does listen, but he can’t fundamentally change his ways, and he’s not responsible for how it makes me feel? I’m confused and sad about this.

OP posts:
Annelind · 15/12/2017 12:13

Try the "broken record" approach

OP - "I think that....."
SIL - "blah blah blah...."
OP - "I think that......"

Keep repeating until you can finish your sentence! and keep doing it!

Bonez · 15/12/2017 12:26

Carry on with what you were saying but raise your voice. I have a friend like your SIL and it works a treat. Also by the look on her face she knows the reason I raise my voice. I've pulled her several times in the past about talking over me (a lot of the time when she does it, it's about something else that causes a change of topic which is even more infuriating) and she never stopped so I just speak louder over her. Or I make a point of saying 'let me finish'. That's also a treat.

FinallyHere · 15/12/2017 12:33

I’m not sure if she does it to anyone else in the family, I need to look out for that. To make it worse, I mentioned it to my partner and he said well you do interrupt all the time

Are you absolutely sure you want to spend a week with these people? I wouldn't know what to suggest but RunRabbits suggestion of keeping score sounds like a possible way forward. If it were one meal, once a year, i would just let them get on with it, but a whole week...sounds hellish.

Codlet · 15/12/2017 12:37

You only have to deal with your SIL occasionally. I’d focus your efforts on your partner if I were you!

Would you consider going on a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really improved our communication.

Original poster
Wetdaydryday · 15/12/2017 16:26

I would consider some sort of course to improve our communication. He thinks he is a fantastic communicator though, so doubt he would. I find it difficult to explain how it affects me to him, I don’t think he can see a problem with the way he is.
Back to my sis in law, I will keep a tally, I think I’ve done that in the past too. I just want to nip it in the bud somehow, in a pleasant way, before I loose my temper and then I’ll be the one who spoiled Christmas.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 15/12/2017 16:29

DO you interrupt? Im wondering why your DH says you do?
Could you draw attention to it directly? “SIL, I’m not sure if you realise it or not, but I was still talking there.” Or “I’m sure you didn’t mean to be rude, but you interrupted me just then...”

Good luck!

christmasrage · 15/12/2017 16:31

Make a joke out of it! When they pause for breath say 'is it my turn yet?'
When they start to speak over you put up a policeman hand and say 'wait! I haven't finished!'
When they ask you a question, don't answer straight away, and when they ask again say 'oh, sorry, I didn't realise it was my turn yet!'

If you need to get really sharp, try 'oh, are you still going? Sorry, I tuned out...'

PNGirl · 15/12/2017 16:40

When she interrupts you then reaches thr end of her spiel, don't reply. Wait ages. Then say "Have you finished?"

AngelsSins · 15/12/2017 16:41

I did read once that people who do this think they're more important than you on some level. I think you should be blunt, but with a smile. Let her do it a few times then just say "Jesus Christ woman, will you stop talking over me?!", big smile on your face. Something along those lines. I hate being talked at!

pigeondujour · 15/12/2017 16:51

I get talked over a lot in my house by the sheer force of everyone else's personalities. A good trick is to tell everyone the joke about the interrupting sheep, then when people interrupt you, go 'baaah' at them. It works but is also funny enough to not be awkward.

everythingisempty · 15/12/2017 21:16

This is one of the reasons I'm only spending one day and zero nights in the company of my SIL this Christmas.
So annoying.

Nyx1 · 15/12/2017 21:20

PNGirl tactic is the one I'd use.

MaitlandGirl · 16/12/2017 09:07

My MIL does this a lot - I’ve taken to either putting my hand up like I’m in school and wait till she looks at me like I’m odd and then jump in quick or taking something off her and saying “Hush, I’ve got the talking (whatever) now, it’s my turn”.

I only use the last one when she’s being particularly annoying.

It helps that DPS is aware of what she does and will often say “Mum, Maitland is trying to tell you something”.

At the end of the day she isn’t going to stop doing this so we either have to attack it with humour or get angry and resentful - I’d really rather laugh about it than get so stressed I scream at her.

echt · 16/12/2017 09:38

You need a conch shell, like in "Lord of the Flies"; whoever is holding the conch gets to speak. That ended badly though, with the noisiest killing the quietest.

I'll get me coat.

Purple39797 · 16/12/2017 09:48

Not sure I have much advice OP but I totally can empathise with this. One side of my family do it all the time and actually ssshed me once when i was asking them to let me finish. In the end I just zoned out / left the room. If in a situation where sitting for dinner etc I would just blatantly take out my phone or pull my chair back.

Then when they asked why I was doing something else I explained that I can’t concentrate with a group of people screaming over each other. I actually find it really stressful and infuriatingly rude when people do this, it’s not a natural conversation to me then. Being the mature person I am (😂) when someone does this to me I don’t actually particularly want to talk. Id rather speak to someone who doesn’t force people to listen to them that way. Sorry long post but grrrrrrrrr it’s so rude!!!

Whocansay · 16/12/2017 14:48

I would speak to her actually and tell her how you feel. If she keeps doing it, get up and walk off. It's so bloody rude.

I had a friend who did this. I love her dearly, but I nearly ended the friendship over it. It just made me feel that whatever I said was worthless to her. One day I got really angry and I told her how I felt n no uncertain terms. She doesn't do it anymore and we are still good friends.

Whocansay · 16/12/2017 14:49

And I would ditch the partner. He sounds like an arse. There's no fixing that.

Maelstrop · 16/12/2017 18:07

What Annelind said. It's a great approach, but you must be consistent. It's a teacher technique but also an assertive thing. It sounds like you're being minimized, ignored, the doormat. They seem to think you're not important enough to listen to. I'd be very cross. I don't see why losing your temper is a bad idea, one big flounce/shout and I bet they'll realize that actually, you have the right to be heard. You're not a naughty child who's disrupting a lesson!