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Original poster

Completely messed up with friend.

19 replies

Smurfgirl · 21/04/2007 20:20

I met up with a friend for coffee today and ended up having a complete outburst and walking out from the bar.

Background -
She does not give a huge amount back, and for the past 18 months everytime we have met up I have heard about how tough and awful her life is (she did a PGCE and then her NQT year). The problem is that some of the bad stuff that has happened to her she has brought on herself. I have bit my tongue time and time again, but today she told me about another issue she had with work (for the 2nd time) and I just felt myself getting angrier and angrier. It is something that IMO is her fault and she is being completely unreasonable about it.

I feel like all I ever hear is about her, she never asks about how I am - even though in the same period I have started a nursing course, had a friend die, had lots of friend issues, got engaged, my nana has become very unwell etc and today just felt like the last straw I have been feeling awful for a while and just needed her to ask me how I am for a change.
When she is not whining about work she is a good friend, but I find it so tiring whenever we meet to listen to hours of how bad her life is. I do give honest advice but she does not really seem to listen, I think she just needs to get it all out and I should understand that more.

But I was out of order in having a go at her its very unlike me and I feel so embarrased. So here are my issues -

How do I even begin to explain why I behaved so dispicabley? I was rude, I should not have shouted at her in public.
and
How do I go about explaining that I need her to give me more from our friendship? I want to be supportive but I just feel like I have nothing left to give to her

OP posts:
lulumama · 21/04/2007 20:34

sounds like this friendship has run its course, she is not going to change, so you either accept that, and nod and smile, or challenge her, or not be her friend, or at least, not such a close friend

shouting at her in public is not great, but i guess you were pushed to your limits

some people are drains, they suck everything out of you and are not good to be around, some are radiators, and give out warmth and are a pleasure to be around

she is a drain....

and to not acknowledge anything you have been going through whilst leaning on you for support, is not on

maybe give her a ring and explain why you feel how you do, and see if she takes it on board?

BecauseImWorthIt · 21/04/2007 20:34

Print this out and e-mail it to her - it will be the start of the conversation that you need to have with her.

You are not being unreasonable, by the way.

tigermoth · 21/04/2007 20:41

oh, poor you.

I hope this is not too trite, but if you decide to talk to her about your outburst it would/could mean you'll be explaining to her why you did it, so you will be talking about you and your life for a change.

I have to say she sounds possibly a little immature. I well remember having friends I relied on as listeners to my life story and tales of woe. Hopefully I was also a good listener for them but tbh I don't always think I was. In hindsight can see why certain friends drifted out of my life.

I find a good way to judge the value of a friendship is to look at how you feel after you have seen your friend. If you consistently feel drained and bad tempered, then something is wrong and your choice is to change the friendship or leave it.

Incidently, do you think your friend has cast you alone in the role of shoulder to cry on, reliable rock etc while other friends are the ones she has fun with? if so, definitely time to change the way your friendship works.

Original poster
Smurfgirl · 21/04/2007 21:05

I don't know - we do have fun absolutely but sometimes I just want to shout at her and say that actually her problems are self inflicted and that nothing I can say or do will change things she needs to change.
I am happy to listen and I want to but i feel like I need her to listen to me too, and not just to listen but to make the first move and ask about my problems. Or do ring me up for a change and ask me etc.

But I have obviously made her feel like shit which is not ok at all. And if she didn't know she was doing it how could I expect her to change. I feel like a horribly bully.

I went to her house afterwards to say sorry but she would not answer the door

OP posts:
xenabelly · 21/04/2007 22:20

what did you say to her, how did you end up shouting and what did you shout?

am just interested cos one of my friends does this and it drives me mad, i often sit listening to her thinking of all the things i'd like to shout.

toadstool · 21/04/2007 22:35

One-way moaning isn't interesting, clever or helpful; I know, I've been told I have a habit of "going on". BUT... I do have some friends (all firmly in my past) who seemed to enjoy listening to my monologues and gave nothing personal back in return (but went off and told others that I "go on", and weren't they heroic in putting up with that, what with their far greater problems). So, be careful about your own motivations, did she make you feel your own problems weren't that bad? If your life is very stressful, it may feel OK to sit in silence and think, "Oh, you silly *, if only you knew..." By shouting, you may have given her something to think about - if she contacts you, that's good. If not, then it sounds as if you've rid yourself of a friendship that was becoming a drain on your patience and time.

Original poster
Smurfgirl · 21/04/2007 23:41

TBH it was a bit muddled what I said - I just had this sudden moment of anger.

Something along the lines of-
'i can't stand this anymore i have to go you just talk talk talk (strongly remember saying talk x3!) about yourself and you never ask about me I am going to be unemployed and you never even ask about my placement i am sick of hearing about you'

shitty i know.

then i stormed off

i want to fix this friendship - i really do - its not the listening i mind, its that i feel i get very little back

like i had my wisdom teeth out recently, i went for a meal with her 2 days before and she spent the whole time telling me about her work colleagues forth coming oral surgery never asking how i felt about mine just felt a bit heartless

but it is not all bad at all we have a laugh and she is a good friend but she just tends to need a lot from me

OP posts:
Original poster
Smurfgirl · 21/04/2007 23:42

toadstool - tbh i don't feel that my problems are that bad i cope well with them but its the not even being asked how i feel about things that upsets me i guess

but i should not moan about her all the time so maybe its better its out but i feel sad to end the friendship i really don't want to.

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 21/04/2007 23:57

If she has not been in touch by now to apologise, and lets face it she needs to, she may not call for a long time.

Stay strong. You are right.

colditz · 21/04/2007 23:58

When you ring her, does it feel like she is sucking all your concern down the phone with a straw? I have a friend that does this, there is only so much I can take. she yhas got better since I stopped ringing her, or getting upset on her behalf about the imagined slights of others.

colditz · 21/04/2007 23:59

I think such people are emotionally thirsty.

Original poster
Smurfgirl · 21/04/2007 23:59

Sherlock.

All she has got from me though is some mad random ranting in a bar - none of this serious stuff about how I feel, I need to see her face to face to say this and i just want the chance to but i can't see her taking it well

OP posts:
Original poster
Smurfgirl · 22/04/2007 00:02

yes colditz i do, well tbh my conversations with her usually go -

hi x how are you?
she talks for 20 minutes about something bad in her life, or her job, or her boss, or her night out and i say mmmm
then i tell her about my life
then we say bye

we do mutually whinge about our partners (who are best friends) and other stuff

OP posts:
chipkid · 22/04/2007 00:03

this is about empathy. Some people have it some do not. She needs to develop tis side of her personality or you will forever feel cross

colditz · 22/04/2007 00:07

You ne3ed to educate her about the subtle nuances in a conversation that indicate you wish to talk about something, and you need (and this is hard if you normally do this automatically) need to stop asking her if she is ok. Assume she is ok, don't give her licence to whine for twenty minutes if you don't want to hear it.

Original poster
Smurfgirl · 22/04/2007 00:09

I definately do think that a big part of this is my fault, if I allow her to talk about herself so much and then get annoyed because she is - its hardly her fault.

I don't want to lose her as a friend, and I do tend to ring her (as opposed to her ringing me) because I get lonely sometimes.

OP posts:
colditz · 22/04/2007 00:10

You do need to apologise first though, it's not nice to be shouted at, so I have been told

Original poster
Smurfgirl · 22/04/2007 00:22

Oh god yes colditz (i always spell your name cloditz first time). I have texted and apology and shoved a note through her door. She won't answer the phone though so I guess the balls in her court. I just said that I was in all the time and would be there when she wanted to talk.

I have been shouted at in a similar way and its shitty

OP posts:
colditz · 22/04/2007 00:25

Don't worry. It'll probably give your brain a rest to not listen to her for a while.

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