How to cope with my resentment towards my sister? Please help.

[DriftwoodFloatingUnderWater]

My sister has been quite influential in my life because, I’m all honesty, our mum has been quite a let down at times. My sister is a number of years older than me and someone I always looked up to and took her advice on board. It’s only as I’ve got older that I realised that some of her advice wasn’t great.

I am married with two children and DSIS is single and over the last year, I have realised that she seems to have an issue with that.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, a problem solver and someone who wants to make others feel good. The sort of person who’ll be kept up at night by other people’s problems. It’s my strength and flaw at the same time, if that makes sense.

During my pregnancy with DC2, DSIS spiralled out of control. Drinking lots, saying she was depressed. I was her shoulder to cry on. It then started to become apparent that these episodes of depression seemed to coincide with the days which should be my “happy times”. For example. DH works offshore and so we only really had one day we could go shopping for baby things. We had a lovely day out planned which DSIS knew. Queue text messages saying she didn’t want to be here any more. Then no replies to my calls or texts. I spent the day frantic with worry at the other end of the country to her. Only for her to resurface that evening being apparently fine again. Another occasion was my daughters christening. I spent the night before up all hours consoling her when she broke down. There are many more examples but you get the picture. By the time DC was born I was emotionally drained completely and things carried on that way when she was newborn. When DC was about 8 weeks old, I developed quite severe anxiety and I’ve suffered ever since (under the GPs care for this for the past year). DSIS is now fine apparently while I’m the one who’s now a mess. I can’t help but feel resentment towards her. I feel like she has dragged me down and left me here. It’s not fair. The reason I can’t help but feel it’s down to her is because I have come to question how sincere these episodes were. I think, on reflection, it was an attention seeking thing. I hate saying that but it’s true. If it was genuine, I wouldn’t have this resentment towards her but I feel like she’s manipulated me and robbed me of what should have been such a happy time in my life. I don’t know how to get past this.

?

I wonder if she has done it consciously. I doubt it..

She was a very significant presence in your life, she was important to you, and now suddenly she no longer has that place in your life. My guess is she wants it back (armchair psychology alert)

She's going the wrong way about it of course - she's pushing you away and soon you'll hate her and want nothing to do with her. But I'd bet she has no idea what she is doing. Kind of unacknowledged/subconscious sabotage.

Don't hate her, try not to take it personally BUT work on your boundaries. It sounds like you could do with doing some therapy work to address eg boundaries, people pleasing etc. She also needs to do her own work - you can't do it for her.

I say all this when I have a sister who has caused me immense harm and as a result she is no longer in my life - my choice. My sister is truly toxic and my only choice has been to cut her out. That is my boundary.

Your sister sounds like a selfish bitch

I'd look to the common denominator here.
You say she dragged you down... more likely you were both dragged down by your mother.
Use your therapy to manage the impact of both of their actions.

It could be that she wishes she had your life...and is jealous of you....but my suggestion is to process what happened and develop a strategy for future episodes...because it will happen again.

Firstly...where possible don't tell her when you have plans like a day out shopping or anything she has the potential to ruin.

Where possible...try and carve out time to spend with her...one on one sister time without your DC.

Hi OP, your situation is something I can empathise with. However, resenting your dsis for this isn't going to help you. You both have unhealthy boundaries, probably due to your upbringing, and it's time to build yours up. Worrying all night about other people's problems isn't healthy, you are not responsible for other people's emotional well-being, only your own. Your dsis knows you can be manipulated through this trait of yours and has (probably unconsciously) used it against you to fulfill her own unhealthy need for attention. She's probably scared of losing you to your dh and dc and pulls these tricks for reassurance that you are still 'hers'. She needs to learn that you are not.

She can only succeed if you let her, which isn't as flippant a comment as it sounds. I've had a lot of therapy over the last few years to address my taking on of other people's emotional well-being to the detriment of my own. It's really bloody hard to rewire our behaviour but it is possible. The fact that you have recognised what she is doing means you have already started the process. It is also important to recognise that you can't change other people's behaviour, only your response to it. If she stops getting her 'fix' then eventually she may stop doing it, but she may not. It's therefore vital that you learn to prioritise your own mental health over hers, especially since you have children who need a healthy mother.

Practicing some stock responses to her texts and phone calls will help stop you being caught off guard. Eg "I'm sorry you're feeling bad at the moment. Once dc's christening is out of the way I'll come to see you." Then ignore further attempts at manipulation by not replying until you are ready to. Initially, it's very difficult due to feelings of guilt and obligation, but it gets much easier each time you do it.

Apologies for the length of the post!

People pleasing is code for doormat and the only people who see that as a strength, are people pleasers themselves because it absolves them of their culpability. People pleasing isn’t ultralistic, there’s always a pay off and if you are really serious about dealing with the resentment the best place to start is finding out what yours is.

Your sister could be just as damaged by her childhood as you are yours but it just manifests itself differently with her, not that it absolves her of her behaviour but it’s too damn convenient casting her as the villain and you as the victim when you both have choices.

The truth is she didn’t rob you of anything, you surrendered a lot of power to her in order to gain something and it cost you dearly. You gambled and it didn’t pay off. Moving forward involves accepting your responsibility for the role you have in the relationship dynamic with your sister.

My sister and I are very close. She suffers from mental illness and has struggled to cope with me having things in my life that she feels she’s missing out on. It’s very hard to have her react with misery to any happy news I have (engagement, marriage, pregnancy etc) but I know she can’t help the way she feels, and she does her best to be happy for me, it just takes her some time.
I’ve had to work hard to accept that her reactions are beyond her control and be able to help her rather than getting upset. It’s not easy, and if you don’t believe your sister has mental health issues you will find it more difficult. I’m ashamed to say my sister had to hit rock bottom before I came to terms with this, I sincerely hope you and your sister can resolve your issues before it reaches this point.
A sibling bond is a strong and complicated thing - but it sounds as if you love each other and I hope you can get back to a positive, supportive relationship for both of your sakes.

I know she can’t help the way she feels, and she does her best to be happy for me, it just takes her some time.

See this is the difference. My sister doesn’t try her best. I think she wants to draw any attention away from whatever’s going on in my life and draw it all on to her. I couldn’t care less about the attention but it’s the negativity that has broken me. Now that my life has settled a bit and there’s not so much going on, she’s all of a sudden fine again?? It doesn’t add up? She’s worn me so far down with everything and now she’s magically fine again???

Don't let her wear you down then. Your focus is too much on why she has done this when it should be on the reasons why it is easy for people to drain you, and how you build yourself up to stop it happening again.

The reason it was easy for her to drain me is because I care. I want her to be happy, I want to be there for her when she’s in need. The reason it hurts so much this time is because i really don’t believe she’s been genuine. She’s wanted to take those happy times away from me and she has succeeded. As I said, if it had all been genuine, I wouldn’t hold any feelings of resentment towards her. But with hindsight, I can see that she succeeded in dampening the happy things that were going on in my life and I feel as though that was her aim, maybe not entirely consciously, but she didn’t stop to think about how her actions would affect me and I think that was very selfish of her.

Your sister was likely more damaged by her upbringing than you because she didn't have any other role models (you had her, however flawed, better than your Mum). She may have grown into someone who gets their needs met from caring for and having people dependent on them. This often happens with the eldest of a sibling group of looked-after children. It is likely that her feelings of mental ill health were genuine to her as she was not coping with you being independent and happy and her therefore not being needed.

Bear that in mind in your interactions with her but focus now on your recovery and wellbeing. Consider counselling to talk about your early life experiences and suggest she does the same. You need to renegotiate your relationship as independent, equal adults.

Btw you are NOT a mess - you are a mother caring for two very young children, mostly alone, who is rightly seeking support for a common health problem.

With regards to your sister’s behaviour until you acknowledge that you had choices and therefore could have made different ones, you will find it difficult moving forward. ‘I care too much’ is a convenient cop out that allows you to not acknowledge your contribution to the dynamic.

Bitterness and resentment only harms you in the end.

isetan I don’t feel like I care too much. I feel like I care the right amount but I’ve learned that she has manipulated me and I’m struggling to come to terms with that. She knew I’d be there for her through thick and thin and like I said above, I really wouldn’t have cared if that had a negative impact on my life because that’s what family is there for, to support one another. I’m just upset now because I realise that she was using me in a way. She was trying to ruin the happy things in my life in order to ease the pain it caused her. That is not fair. That is not what family do to each other. I didn’t see it immediately but over the past year it’s bevome very apparent.

It’s in the same way that a bully picks on someone as a way of easing their own insecurities. Yes, it’s a shame they are insecure, but there is no excuse.

But there will be many more happy times...DCs birthdays...school activities etc..

Now you know what she's playing at... you have the power.

Like a pp said
..you just say .. "I'm knee deep with DCs party arrangement s and will see you asap.

Direct her to the GP or to see a counsellor if she has issues again...but don't allow her in ..
To ruin your special times.

tell her to piss off focus on you and your kids and husband... get well soon lady

I really wouldn’t have cared if that had a negative impact on my life because that’s what family is there for, to support one another.

Choosimg to support someone, any one, at the expense of your own mh 'is not caring the right amount'. It is and was a choice, the real problem is you just will not see that.

There's a pay off to you 'caring' to the extent that you do and iit must be really deep seated for you to compromise your mh over.

You can not change your sister, she is who she is but you do have the choice and you can create the opportunities, to find out what motivates your behaviour because that's the only behaviour you can change.

"Now that my life has settled a bit and there’s not so much going on, she’s all of a sudden fine again??"

Is she easily affected by potentially stressful events, ie always thinking the worst is going to happen? The explanation you've posted is one possible option, but equally she might have found things like your pregnancy were stressful for her even if they didn't have much to do with her on the surface (maybe worrying for you, or upset at comparing your life to hers if she does particularly want children). Or maybe things aren't better now, but she's hiding them; or maybe she's sought help and is finding it easier to manage.

I really wouldn’t have cared if that had a negative impact on my life because that’s what family is there for, to support one another.

This really isn't how healthy relationships work. Support is helping someone to help themselves. Making yourself ill by taking on another's problems is almost co-depandant. Why do you value your own well-being so little?

My mum always emotionally blackmailed me growing up. Probably because she knew she could. Even as an adult teen, she’d say “if you walk out that door it means you don’t love me” after being verbally abusive to me. And i’d stay. I now take absolutely no crap off my mum and care very little about her opinion on anything. I just didn’t realise my sister would manipulate me too.

It’s no surprise I’ve ended up like this I suppose

All is not lost!

Yy we get fucked up when we had a disordered childhood BUT the journey to health is so interesting! We get to look at and properly address things that people with a healthy upbringing just don't get that luxury..

Maybe, and this isn't necessarily codependent, your blossoming health will lead her into health. As Julia Roberts would say, she saved you and you save her right back..

Resentment, though. That's a bit of a killer. I've been grappling with resentment myself this morning. It leads to absolutely no good all round.