His ex 'the love of his life'

[Dixhuitagain]

Hi, bit of a newbie to mumsnet but have read a few threads and would really appreciate a bit of advice.
I'm divorced as is my boyfriend and we were talking the other night about his ex and what went wrong. I have asked him questions about it before but this time he added that he tried really hard to keep the relationship going because she was the love of his life.
I know he's only my boyfriend and he tells me he loves me but it's got stuck in my head and I can't seem to get over it mentally. I don't want to be someone's second choice yet I feel that's exactly what I am. He's also very cautious about discussing the future and I have huge concerns I'm going to spend years in a half arsed relationship!

I really appreciate some of the comments on here but I feel that telling me I'm hard work in a relationship when you have no idea of the complexities of said relationship is out of order. This site should be about supporting others not giving our options in a way that alienates and hurts others feelings. We're all just humans trying to muddle on the best way we can and none of us are perfect in relationships or there'd be no need for this board. If I am insecure then fair enough but that's not for you to criticise me for when I'm asking for advice. Or is it?

He doesn't like talking about it and I respect that although I think being able to talk about what went wrong is a healthy way to move on.

Otherwise I think it can be left to fester, particularly with men who never work out why they managed to ruin their relationship and then it's on to the next one.

Ah, you're one of those.

OK.

Excuse me whilst I step over and amongst the gender stereotyping...

You think talking about it is a healthy way to move on. He doesn't. He has his thoughts. He's probably well aware of what went wrong, has taken responsibility for his own part in it, has made decisions to not do X, Y or Z again if, in conversations between he and his ex, these were highlighted as issues.

He doesn't feel the need to talk about it and this is what gives "us women" a bad name - those who feel the need to pick apart and question and then get upset when they hear something they don't like.

Understanding what went wrong in his relationship with his ex won't help the relationship he has with you because relationships exist between people - they are a result of the interplay and interaction between the two people in the relationhip. If both people behave decently and considerately then there is nothing to be gained in you making him talk about the past.

If you honestly believe that he is one of those men who never work out why they managed to ruin their relationship, why are you bothering? It's not your role to 'educate' him; it's not your role to 'counsel' him. I would say that if you honestly believe he ruined his last relationship and lacks the emotional intelligence to not repeat past mistakes without the intervention of his 'woman', then why are you bothering?

Actually, what went wrong between he and his ex is none of your business.

It's his and her relationship. He probably doesn't want to rehash and talk about it. It's the past, it's done and dusted.

He loved her, he feels he tried his best, it didn't work out, it ended. The end. That's it. That's all you need to know.

Even if you did understand, there's no reason those things would be an issue to you anyway.

My exh has a girlfriend. I cannot, for the life of me, begin to imagine what she sees in him. Yet all those things that killed any interest I had in him are the same things that attracted her to him.

I think you'll get more from the thread if you are open, not defensive. Some comments will not fit - how can they all be a bullseye on the issue, based on scant information? We can only comment on what occurs to us - it's for you to decide if it gives you another perspective.

I didn't say you were insecure, or criticise you for it. I asked you if you were - and suggested your time world be better spent analysing that, than his previous relationships.

Some men quite deliberately make their girlfriends feel insecure. Girlfriends who never had issues like that before - by doing things like going on about how perfect an ex was.

I suggest you think about where your insecurity comes from him, because that leads to different actions.

• insecure because of you: therapy
• insecure because of him: dump

I don't see anything wrong in discussing past relationships.... as long as it's not constant or obsessive.

It makes sense that she was the love of his life... Hence he married her.

In your shoes I'd ensure you're getting what you want out of the relationship...if it isn't heading where you want it to after some time...then reassess your position.

He's only been divorced for a year... so you can't really expect him to be making long term plans with you yet.

Ok, he married his ex-wife because he loved her and expected to remain married for the rest of his life. When things went wrong he/ they tried to make it work, but couldn't so split up by mutual consent.

Yup, red flags all over the place. What would you rather he say, that his ex was a psychotic bitch who tricked him into marriage?

A red flag in the context of our relationship. As he is not over his ex. Is that too difficult to understand?

No. But it wasn't clear that that was what you were saying.

It sounded as though you were saying that you thought the red flag was his unwillingness to rake over his past relationship and discuss it with you in order to understand where he went wrong and what he did to ruin it.

I would expect him to have loved the woman he married.

I'm glad he loved her and I'm glad he tried to work at his relationship, that to me shows he has emotional maturity. My anxiety is that I am not a 'love of his life'

I know it could happen, love grows and all that but because he's so cautious about things I feel stuck in limbo. Stay hoping it does grow and improve or leave and hope I meet someone who can love me the way I want. He's not a twat just scared and still has stuff from his marriage to deal with.

I have to deal with stuff from my ex relationship too- I was the love of my ex's life so I know how that can affect someone and how hard it makes moving on.

Christ you are having a pop at him because he told you something you didn't want to hear ... they are his feelings bottom line.

Maybe he hasn't got over his ex, maybe he doesn't see you on the same level as his ex. Again these are his feelings his views and he is being open and truthful to you.

#he hasn't got over his ex but don't blame him ... he might not even know he isn't.

At what point did I say I was annoyed at him for what he told me? I feel insecure and anxious but I certainly am not angry at him for expressing his feelings.

All this "love of his life" talk is outside of my realm of experience, tbh.

However, of course you're not the love of his life. He knew her for a very long time and he married her.

And many people are more cautious and guarded the secondtime round. I know a few people who have said they will never love anyone again the way they loved their ex in order to protect their feelings.

But that doesn't mean he can't love you.

I would strongly suggest that you address your own feelings on this because they are more of an issue that how he felt about his ex tbh.

Colour me cynical but if you ask me ‘loves of my life’ labels are retrospective - for when it’s over.

Having RTFT it would be a Massive Red Flag for me.
Every abusive partner I've had has had a "love of my life".
This won't end well.

I don’t think he seems ready for another serious relationship. If he only divorced this year that’s hardly any time to grieve the loss. I’d keep him as a casual fwb for now.

You want to play therapist for him, and then you want to hold what he says against him.

He doesn’t want to talk about it but you want to get him to talk about it.

I don’t think he should date you. You are going to end up messing with his head.

He was talking in past tense though. At the time, he tried to make it work because she was the love of his life. He wouldn't say you were then would he.

You have just said the exact same thing he did. You WERE the love of your exs life. She WAS the love of his life. Not is, was. It's past tense. Stop over analysing and stop asking questions now if you can't handle the answers and mess your own head up over thinking.