What should I do?

[dillema]

This is extremely long and drawn out and I apologise in advance but I really don't know what to do. 20 months ago I ended a long running afair which I still feel extremely guilty about. Before the affair me and dh were having relationship difficulties which led to the affair although I know that is absolutely no excuse. I loved my dh (and still do) but don't fancy him anymore. My dh found out (ironically after I ended the affair) and obviously demanded to know everything that had gone on. We went through hell, especially my dh, and I thought at the time it would be better to have a temporary split. My dh was dead against this, saying that he still loved me and begged me to continue with our marriage. and although he must be mad he didn't want to lose me. We have 3 wonderful children and I agreed it would be best to stay together if nothing else, for their sake and felt that I owed it to my dh aswell. I was willing to do anything for him as I felt so guilty. Over the last 20 months I have tried so hard to improve our relationship and its not been too bad, apart from our sex life which has always been c anyway. I know now that I still love my husband but no matter how hard I try I just cant fancy him. He always seems to be looking at porn, and I find really weird sex things under the bed every so often. I have a really big issue with this and When Ive confronted him about this he says they are to improve our sex life, and his, because he agrees its c too. I find this a complete turn off and he knows it, and so it is a viscous circle. Anyway, weve just come back from a break in a hotel together which I booked as a birthday surprise. We had a lovely time until I noticed he was sloping off to use his mobile quite a few times. it turns out he was ringing a 'female friend' from work whom he has suddenly started dropping her name in conversations a few times. Before we went away, he went out on a works do and I passed him in the car walking along the road with his arm around her. I didn't make an issue of this. He does the mobile phone 'thing', taking it everywhere even in the bathroom, switced on at night hidden somewhere, as I appalingly did back then.
My dillema is should I assume that something is going on or is it just a 40 year old male ego boost?
If there is should I ignore it because it is probably what I deserve?
I am frightened of bringing it up or even discussing our relationship with him because I dont want to rock the boat again and bring up the past.

I think you may have to have a "heart to heart" with him. The most difficult thing in the world I know (am facing a whole heap of difficulties in my own relationship so kind of understand).

I think it may be that if you don't "rock the boat", then it may be rocked for you, leaving you with less control over the situation.

i think you should talk him about it, it may not be easy but tell him how you feel, so you can get to the bottom of it. if you leave it, it'll play on your mind.

i find i do the same, i dont bring up things that annoy me with my dp as i dont want to cause unnecessary arguements. but im now trying to stop doing that, as i find it just builds up, and then finally interrupts into an ugly arguement.

Thanks both. I know you are right. I am going to have to talk but what do I say? "Whos so and so and is there anything going on?" or maybe just how does he feel about our relationship. Anyway he is away until tomorrow then we are on a family holiday until next saturday so cant say anything to him until after then as I dont want to spoil the holiday. I will have to just see what happens when we are away.

try to bring it up subtlely (or however you spell it). if he brings her up again in a conversation, just ask a few more questions about her and bring up about the arm around her thing. Try not to sound like you're accusing him of something or mention about the mobile thing (may be hard to do but it'll only cause more arguements if he thinks you are). I have male friends that I hug and kiss on the cheek, so it could be just that, and I know my dp does the same with his female friends. Plus there are times when either me or dp want a bit of privacy when we're on the phone or texting, so it may be just nothing.

About your other problem. If your dh knows that his sex things and porn are turning you off, why does he still have them? If you both want a better sex life, then it would be better for him to get rid of them. Try to do intimate things together, that dont necessary involves sex. Dp and I have baths together (how weirdly that sounds lol) and it gives us a chance to spend time together, talk, and be close, plus it can be romantic with candle light. Maybe try to respark your relationship with new and different things that you both feel comfortable with. Maybe you should talk to him about this as well, but maybe not at the same time

Hope things go well for you. xxx

Thanks Tammybear. Ive mentioned to him on a number of occasions about the porn stuff. He says its because hes got to get his enjoyment from somewhere! Although Id be more obliged if he got rid of it. Its just me, him and our youngest daughter on holiday tomorrow so maybe we'll be able to spend some more quality time together this week. You could be right about his female friend. Maybe if I give him more attention this week he wont feel the need to phone her. But if she does come up in conversation then Ill see if I can ask him subtely. Thanks for your support.