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Original poster

To judge a man on the actions of his friends?

22 replies

PollyAnneRare · 14/12/2017 14:44

I have met a really lovely man and we have been dating for almost 4 months now. He ticks all the right boxes - kind, considerate, mature and we get on really well. No red flags from him so far.

However the other night we got onto discussing our friends and he mentioned that he has quite a large group of male friends, a few of which have already got married and started families. They go on holiday once a year and also go to one another stag dos etc. I asked him if he'd ever gone to strip clubs/seen prostitutes whilst on a stag do as this is something I absolutely wouldn't tolerate.

He told me he categorically has never had a private lap dance, nor seen prostitutes and wouldn't. But on a couple of the stag dos/holidays some of his friends have slept with prostitutes and gone to lap dancing clubs (encouraging him to do the same). These same friends had girlfriends, long-term partners or wives at the time. I then asked him if he had a problem with this to which he replied yes, but they were his friends so its a difficult position to be in.

I'm a little confused as he seems so wonderful so far, but this has been a real sticking point for me over the last couple of weeks. I know I couldn't be friends with people that thought going with prostitutes was acceptable, let alone being party to them cheating on their partners and keeping it a secret.

Should I be wary of this?

OP posts:

Racmactac · 14/12/2017 14:49

I don't see he problem, he's not doing it and he's not responsible for the actions of his friends.

I have friends that have made stupid decisions from time to time (and they could definitely say same about me) but I don't stop being their friends.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 14/12/2017 14:51

Well he has said he doesn't approve of it and wouldn't do it himself so I would take him at his word at this stage. But I would be vigilant as I would with any new relationship.

I don't pick up or put down my own friends based on their' lifestyle choices even if I don't agree with them. I will tell them I dont agree but they make their own way in life and live with the consequences. Whats important to me is how they treat me.

Eolian · 14/12/2017 14:53

I'd be very wary of this. The type of friends someone chooses to keep is an indication of what kind of person they are and often what kind of things they choose to do in their spare time. Even if he's telling the truth about not doing those things himself (a big 'if'), do you really want to end up potentially socialising through your dp with couples where the man behaves that way? Not the kind of social circle I'd be wanting to join...

Original poster

PollyAnneRare · 14/12/2017 14:58

Eolian Those are my concerns too. I know he also goes out with his friends and their partners, some of which have been cheated on multiple times. I would find it really difficult to stomach sitting next to a wife whose husband I know has been sleeping with prostitutes.

OP posts:

BenLui · 14/12/2017 14:58

Hmm. It’s hard to judge but I know that my own DH would not go on holiday with people that cheated on their wives.

He is a very confident alpha male type who’d have no problem standing up to the group though. He also has no issue refusing to go to strip clubs etc either even if everyone else is going.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that it would demonstrate to me that this man is weak and doesn’t have the courage of his convictions.

Original poster

PollyAnneRare · 14/12/2017 15:02

BenLui my thoughts exactly. He did tell me he disapproves of it and it makes him annoyed to be put in that position, but he has known these friends since childhood so it's very awkward.

Up until this point I had no warning signs or hesitations in pursuing something with him.

OP posts:

KickAssAngel · 14/12/2017 15:05

I wouldn't be a close friend to someone who cheated on their spouse - not close enough to go on holidays and visit strip clubs together. I wouldn't want to be in a social circle where big nights out meant socializing with the cheated spouses and pretending that everything's OK, so I wouldn't want to get drawn into this group by being with someone from it.

I would also be extremely wary of anyone who is part of that group. To them, cheating and the sex trade are 'normal' and I don't want those things as part of my normal. I wouldn't trust that someone who said "I went to a strip club just to go along with the crowd but would never have a private dace" was telling me the truth.

He's choosing to be friends with these people, when he could branch out and meet other people who have different lifestyles. It would be a deal breaker for me.

BenLui · 14/12/2017 15:09

The thing is he could be friends with them with out going on holiday with them.

Or he could organise a different type of holiday where there is no opportunity for strip clubs and cheating.

He’s not responsible for his friends’ behaviour but he becomes complicit but knowing attending the holidays.

Are these his only friends? He’s only friends with his schoolmates?

Original poster

PollyAnneRare · 14/12/2017 15:16

They have been on holidays before that haven't involved strippers, prostitution etc. He has actually tried to organise one for next year that was an adventure type holiday but the plans fell through. Most of these occurrences have been on stag dos or boozey weekends away.

These are his best friends from school who he sees a couple of times a year on special occasions. He is very much involved with these friends though as they are all groomsmen at one another's weddings. He also has friends from work who he sees more frequently.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 14/12/2017 15:37

I feel you’re overthinking this. Most men are there own man. The ones who let friends lead them on etc are full of shit.

cloudchaos · 14/12/2017 15:39

My DH has friends like this. He has known them since primary school and they are friends because of their childhood memories/history, family connections and the fact they have just known each other for so long. I think it’s important to hold onto friendships you’ve had from such an early age.

My DH doesn’t agree with the way his friends behave and he mocks them for it. He doesn’t join them when they go to strip clubs but realises this is what they are like.

On a group holiday he didn’t want to stay with them in their apartment so stayed in a separate hotel to make sure he wasn’t caught up in anything and a few of them brought prostitutes back so he was glad he didn’t stay there.

I’ve said similar - I can’t really look the wives and girlfriends in the faces as I would want to be told if it were my husband behaving like this. But I know I can’t as it wouldn’t be fair on my husband and I have to put my loyalty to him first. I don’t really socialise with them though. He knows how I feel about them. I do when I have to (big events) but otherwise keep my distance.

I think it’s a good sign your boyfriend is telling you this and being upfront with you. He wouldn’t if he had something to hide.

I don’t think you can judge him on the lack of morals his friends have - when he’s been friends with them since he was a child. Judge him on his actions towards you and others.

Louiseandhercubs · 14/12/2017 16:33

Going off the info you've given I think it's very unfair to judge him. I do believe you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. But I have friends who have made awful choices, I've told them so but I would hate for my partner or future partners to say "your friend did X and I'm not happy with that" it's not fair. Unless you have reason to believe he would participate I think it's unfair to judge him based on that

Balearica · 14/12/2017 17:47

My exH had (and presumably still has) friends like this. He always told me how much he disapproved and that he never participated. It turned out he did actively participate in all of it. I think your man friend is saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Having friends like that would be enough for me to end it, sorry.

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2017 17:59

I might be getting suspicious in my old age, but I wonder if the other men all say the same to their partners?

Oh well they all sleep with prostitutes but I never would darling.

Cantwaitforchristmas · 14/12/2017 18:42

I think you can tell a lot about his man from the friends they keep, ime they tend to share the same morals & values

Of course he isn't going to say 'well my love I have participated but only a couple of times'

I'd be wary OP.

CR7987 · 14/12/2017 18:49

Surprised he told you to be honest. Most men keep that sort of thing quiet.

mindutopia · 14/12/2017 20:53

No, I think you're overthinking it. He isn't responsible for his friends' shitty behaviour and it doesn't sound like he thinks it's okay. Personally, I don't necessarily have a problem with either of those things as long as the people in question are single (otherwise it's cheating). I know several friends and colleagues in the past who have danced at clubs and done sex work. They loved it, were successful professionals, found a lot of freedom in it, definitely weren't being trafficked, so I think you have to be careful to paint everyone doing that sort of work with the same brush. Anyway, however you feel, you're in a relationship with him, not his friends and he doesn't seem to agree with what they did, but it's not his job to stop them. They're grown men who can screw up their lives if they want.

My dh has an old friend he's known since school days, probably one of his two closest friends. Back in the day when he was single when my dh and I first started to date, he did on occasion have sex with sex workers. It was something he talked openly about and it wasn't a secret, so my dh knew about it. He was single though. It never once occurred to me to not be with my then boyfriend because his friend had some sexual preferences that wouldn't be my cup of tea. My dh has never gone with him and equally felt like it wasn't something he wanted anything to do with, but other people can make their own choices. Now if his friend was a paedophile and molesting a child and my dh was fine with it, I would feel differently. But I have no reason to believe anything about it was non-consensual (and I know enough about sex work to know that most high end sex worker is perfectly consensual as I have worked with lots of sex workers and sex worker networks in the past, and just based on my own experience with friends) and sex work is not illegal here.

So you can think something is gross and not something you'd want to do and you can think someone is immoral for doing it, but they're adults and I don't think it was your partner's job to police them. As long as you're comfortable that he would be committed to you, then I wouldn't overthink any dumb drunken antics his friends have gotten up to.

mindutopia · 14/12/2017 20:55

For the record, I've had female friends who've cheated on their partners. I've even had a few who were the OW with a married man. I think that makes them assholes and horrible people. But it doesn't make me any more likely to cheat on anyone just by association. I've never cheated in any relationship ever even really casual ones and I've been happily with my dh for nearly a decade.

Changedname3456 · 14/12/2017 21:26

OP would you drop a friend, particularly one that you’ve known a long time, if she cheated on a partner? It would be a very judgemental position to take, if so.

Given how many men and women cheat, it’s also pretty likely that at least some of your friends have cheated in the past, and likely will in the future, even if you are lucky enough never to know about it.

category12 · 14/12/2017 21:57

He's bound to say he never would do that. He could be telling the truth. He could be lying.

How do you think you will feel about his stag with those mates (if it gets that far between you)?

category12 · 14/12/2017 22:02

"Given how many men and women cheat, it’s also pretty likely that at least some of your friends have cheated in the past, and likely will in the future, even if you are lucky enough never to know about it."

I think buying sex is a bit different from general cheating - in terms of what it indicates about the punters' views of women and sex.

Changedname3456 · 14/12/2017 22:13

“let alone being party to them cheating on their partners and keeping it a secret”

Is what OP said at the top of the post which, I read, as meaning cheating in general as well as the use of prostitutes.

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