Can you help me sort through my feelings towards my father?

[gingeranium]

Not sure where to begin really, so this might be all a bit higgledy piggledy. I’m happy to answer questions to make more sense of it all.

I have been NC with my father for about four years now. It was a decision he made, and I’m still not sure why, but he does have form for completely cutting people out over something fairly trivial. I tried to get back into contact with him for about 6 months, but I’ve stopped trying now.

What I’m having trouble understanding though, is the real sense of relief I have that I no longer have to see or speak to him. Sometimes I have dreams where I bump into him, and wake up so stressed, and then feel so so glad it was just a dream.

He wasn’t a bad father when I was growing up, but he does have an illness that he did sometimes use as a manipulative tool. For example, when my parents separated, I would visit him every other weekend. If, on a rare occasion I would change the weekend, he would then have a relapse in illness and let me know it was because he was alone at the time. As a child, I found his illness really scary, but both my sister and I were expected to monitor the signs of him getting poorly and treat him. I realise now we should never have had such a huge responsibility (especially when he managed perfectly well when we weren’t there, and has managed perfectly well now we both live miles away)

As a teenager, I would visit him alone as my sister had gone off to university. If my friends asked me to meet up with them during one of his weekends, he would tell me I couldn’t go because I should be spending time with him. I would arrive at his house straight from school on a Friday, and go home Sunday evening. We would spend the whole time sat in his lounge. I would also be made to feel guilty for answering the phone to a friend while at his house too.

Sometimes when I would visit, he would ask for my help with something like a maths question, and if I wasn’t able to help, he would get very cross and tell me he always knew my sister was the clever child, and how he wished she was visiting instead of me. Then he’d laugh it off and all would go back to normal.

I have seriously low self esteem, and have always said my sister is smarter/more attractive/generally better than me. I think I’m starting to realise I’ve always thought this because I’ve always been told this.

But, if all this is as bad as I’m making out, why have my mum or sister never mentioned it? Obviously mum doesn’t contact him now as they’ve separated, but my sister sees him regularly and never says anything like what I’ve described.

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Am I a horrible daughter for not wanting to be in contact with my father?

No you're not a terrible daughter. By the sounds of it you are a much happier person without him in your life.
If you feel you need some help to process your feelings towards your father seek counselling it can really help to talk.

You have low self esteem because he gave it to you. He does not sound like a nice DF to me, he sounds emotionally abusive, and if your DSis can't see it, that is because she was treated differently as the favoured one.
Keep the contact low or non-existent would be my suggestion.

He sounds insanely needy. And none of what you describe sounds like parenting that’s going to have a good outcome. I’m really sorry you had that experience and no, you are not a horrible daughter. He was a terrible father and maintaining no contact is the healthy option for you. Please try counselling. You’ll get to unpick your feelings and it should really help you with self esteem. Good luck.

Thanks all. I had counselling a few years back, but I think we were still speaking then, so I didn’t really delve into parental relationships with the counsellor. I think it may be worth revisiting it again now I’ve thought more about it all.

It sounds really awful, but I actually just wish he had died 4 years ago. I’m made out to be a stubborn daughter now to other relatives, with people saying ‘you’ll never forgive yourself if he dies and you weren’t speaking’, but I will honestly feel so relieved when he’s not around anymore.

I think your experience does not match what you're being told by family. So who do you trust?

I think the fact my experience doesn’t match what my family says, makes me think maybe I just imagined it all or was being over sensitive?

What I’m having trouble understanding though, is the real sense of relief I have that I no longer have to see or speak to him

when you walk on eggshells around someone, waiting for the next time they subtly or unsubtly let you know that you're worthless, it really puts you on edge. Essentially you have to dance to their tune to get any sort of good time with them.

That creates real deep insecurity and also often a kind of buried anger.

When you no longer need to walk on eggshells it's like coming out of a stuffy hole into the fresh air.

I suspect you are only beginning to realise how unpleasant he could be and maybe either your family don't recognise his behaviour or else they have shut their minds to it. Either because he treated you differently - it happens quite often - or because they simply don't want to recognise it.

But that feeling of relief is unmistakeable and powerful. If you're experiencing that particular emotion, it's an absolute sure sign that something was deeply wrong in the relationship.

you might have found that you've grown as a person since getting that relief, too?

So you imagined he went NC with you, was manipulative, getting cross, saying he wished your sister was there instead of you? If your answer to that is that it all really happened then ask yourself this: what is the family's motive for denying it?

Do you know what else I’ve realised, is how surprised I am constantly when DP doesn’t get cross with me if I do something wrong, or doesn’t lose his temper over the smallest thing. The other day, we had workmen coming and he asked if we had anything to put down on the floors while they were marching in and out with boots on. I found some old grain sacks upstairs and brought them down, and as I was walking downstairs he said ‘oh GREAT shout!’ and I was so bloody proud of myself

MIL doesn’t know about my relationship with my dad, but she often has talks with me and describes me as being talented and intellectual, but not having channeled those into a specific skill yet. Which I guess is completely right - I’ve been told so often how rubbish I am at things, I just gave up trying in my teens and stopped making an effort at school/didn’t go to uni etc.

The more I think about it and the more I write things down on here, the more cross I’m getting at how he’s affected my life. I’m glad I started this thread - I feel more and more like this isn’t just me being a crap daughter/stupid/useless human being.

I think you’re right about my sister not noticing because she’s the favoured one. She said the other day that dad had told her what a brilliant mum she is.

I wonder if my mother doesn’t discuss his behaviour, because she’s trying to stay neutral on the subject of him, to avoid looking like she’s trying to sway me away from him. Perhaps I should open up to her and initiate the conversation, and see what she says.