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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mean, Miserable, Self-Pitying, Whining, Depressive Feckers

12 replies

Rhubarb · 21/04/2007 17:22

That are my family.

I am trying to arrange just a wee get together for my dad's 70th and his wife's 60th later this year.

They all go to visit him at least once a year anyway, so I thought it was a simple case of us all aligning our dates and going then.

My two brothers don't want anything to do with him despite the fact that they go every year to stay with him and take advantage of his hospitality. My eldest sister just does what the majority does.

So after months of reasonable discussions and finally arranging a date I find out that those 3 have talked together and decided they don't want to go.

They are devoted to my shit stirring, depressive, damaging and mentally unstable mother, but my father, who has actually changed thanks to his wife into a kind and caring man, they can't be bothered to make an effort for.

But that shouldn't surprise me as they don't make an effort for anyone but themselves. I have agreed to mind my eldest brother's 2 dogs for 2 weeks in August just so that I can maintain contact with him as he never phones and refuses to see me. Same with the other one. All because I have broken the damaging bonds with my mother and whilst I still speak to her on the phone, I won't allow her to visit and I don't let her into my life.

But my father is the only one who takes an interest, who asks about the kids, he even made the effort, at his age, to drive here from the Northernmost of Scotland to visit for a long weekend as he hadn't seen me since I buggered off to France. His wife is lovely too, she would do anything for anyone. They all take advantage of their hospitality but it seems it is too much to ask that they visit for their birthdays and make a bit of an effort.

Sorry, just ranting makes me feel better.

I shall now get myself some wine.

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 21/04/2007 17:24

family.

they can't help pressing the buttons as they installed them.

you've done what you can.

from the sounds of it surely he'd be happier just to see you and yours?

Rhubarb · 21/04/2007 17:27

He's gonna have to!

I do have a fairly sane sister who is going and our younger brother would love to, but unfortunately he is under the care of my mother who keeps him under lock and key most of the time. I doubt we'd be allowed to take him.

OP posts:
vimfuego · 21/04/2007 17:27

Sounds like a lot of history here.

sniff · 21/04/2007 17:27

I would o and see your dad and have a nice ime sounds like it might be nicer if they werent there

personally I would tell my brother I didnt want his dogs!! but that would be bitchy and probably unreasonable but it would feel like I got my own back

bloody familys its a shame you cant choose them

Rhubarb · 21/04/2007 17:29

I feel like saying that sniff, but I am determined not to sink to their level. They bitch about me enough without me giving them due cause to.

My tactic is to be friendly and kind and cheerful at all times. Then swear like hell afterwards and moan on Mumsnet!

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 21/04/2007 17:30

My brother used to be there for me all the time, and me for him, we were very very close. I grieve for him and want to always keep the door open. So if I have to care for his 2 dogs for 2 weeks to achieve that then so be it.

OP posts:
rabbleraiser · 21/04/2007 17:33

Yep, leave the others behind Rhubarb, and have a good, relaxing time with the people you have come to admire. And frankly, I'm shocked that your older brother has asked you to do a massive favour for him when he doesn't give you the time of day otherwise. They seem a capricious bunch and whilst you have to love them, you don't have to like 'em. It just puts you in a bad situation with your dad, which is to be regretted. Why, oh, Why can't they just make the bloody effort?

rabbleraiser · 21/04/2007 17:34

Sorry, Rhubard, X-post. If you feel that way about your brother, I can perfectly understand the 'open door' policy.

Rhubarb · 21/04/2007 17:36

My dh, who normally doesn't touch my family with a shitstick, has said that he'll phone them all tomorrow to ask why they won't do anything.

Shame that I have to be the one to give my dad the bad news that they don't give a feck. They'll have to provide their own excuses though, selfish feckers.

They all dwell in a little circle of self pitying misery and I think they hate me for breaking out of it.

OP posts:
sniff · 21/04/2007 17:45

no I agree it makes you the better person anyway
I think you have great dignity to be able to behave so well

this is not meant to come across as patronising but truly meant

rabbleraiser · 21/04/2007 17:52

Well said, Sniff. You sound like a very decent person .. and I doubt that your siblings hate you for breaking the circle; they probably admire you, but they haven't come to terms with it yet.

Rhubarb · 21/04/2007 21:54

Thanks sniff, really, it's nice to know that I'm doing the right thing because sometimes I doubt myself.

And to be honest I don't get the admiration from them at all, I just get hate vibes.

Oh well.

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