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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stuck- need to talk/rant

10 replies

OnlyAFoolishFool · 14/12/2017 11:14

Hi all.
So I've been with my partner for over 10 years.
We have 2 children.
We've been in a shit situation where our landlord raised the rent so high we couldn't afford it. We were scraping by anyway.
So his parents live in a different county but have offered to let us build a cabin onto their land. We thought this might be a way out of the rent cycle with a future to buying our own land and move the cabin onto it.

So for the past 2 months we've been living in 2 bedrooms in his parents house together with all our boxed up belongings. It's tight!
We've had to move schools and I'm not working but my friends are all an hours drive away now and I'm terribly homesick even though I'm not originally from this country.

Anyway hes been building away while I've made sure to keep things as normal as possible for the children. It's been tough on all of us. As nice as the in laws are for doing this for us I can feel we're kinda out staying our welcome.

The issue however is my partner. He's a freaking control freak and gave out to me for not helping him enough. But most mornings I've to go do stuff as I have to do my washing in town.
I've made more of an effort to help out as I want this done ASAP too.
BUT whatever I do I aparently do wrong. Everything! Even painting! I can't do anything right and he gets nasty and shouts.
The other night he wanted to pay for a present for me through my paypal but it didn't work. Technology. Money was in but it didn't go through.
So he went mental. Saying how I can't do anything and I'm absolutely useless to him other than making fucking coffee!
I was so hurt and told him he's a bully and cried myself to sleep that night.
The next morning he starts shouting g at me again for not trying to pay that first thing as I was busy getting the kids ready.
I told him I don't even want that fucking present so he told me to book a flight home then.
It's not fair. I haven't talked to him since I'm so angry and hurt.
This is my home. Not this county but this country. To just ship me off like that.
I'm furious.
I'm in town doing my washing and crying.
Nobody wants me around I'm aparently doing nothing right. I just wanna go away. Or sometimes I wish he would just go away.
I hate my life right now and don't know what to do. We lice with his parents. I've no job and can't rent cause I won't get benefits here. I don't want to rip the kids away from their home country. And even then I'd live with my mam in a tiny apartment.
Sorry just needed to tell someone.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 14/12/2017 14:26

Oh Only, it sounds tough.
Being (very) charitable here, could it be that he is stressed out by all the cramped living conditions and snapping at you as you are the one he feels safe to take it out on? Or do you think there is more to it?

OnlyAFoolishFool · 14/12/2017 14:33

Thx for reading through that essay Blue.
I know he doesn't mean it I know he loves me really. But that was just horrible.
We're all stressed out here. The kids have nowhere to play really. We have nowhere to be alone. All food has to be prepared in MIL kitchen- with her judging eye over me. But that's another thread.
However our new fridge is in the cabin so it's really awkward for all of us. We really wanted to celebrate Christmas in the new home but it won't be ready in time.

It probably is stress and it's all on his shoulders but he doesn't need to be such a dick about it. At least a sorry would be nice.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 14/12/2017 15:05

I used to watch a lot of Dr Phil on tv.
He used to talk about living like overcrowded rats, when there are too many separate family units in one house, so you start fighting amongst yourselves.
If you think that is what it is, try to have a conciliatory natter with him, and just keep striving to get your own family space back asap.

OnlyAFoolishFool · 14/12/2017 15:29

Thank you Blue.
I used to love dr.Phil too.
It does make sense. Just wish he'd pick his parents to fight with instead.
I'm still too angry to have a good talk but will see how things are this evening.
Thank you. It helps to just write it all down.

OP posts:
OnlyAFoolishFool · 15/12/2017 10:27

So now he's reminded me to get a flight home. He wants nothing to do with any of us.
I just can't cope

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 15/12/2017 10:32

Why don’t you call his bluff? Book a flight home for a couple of weeks for you and your kids to see your family. Get some space. Getting away from each other for a bit might actually help

OnlyAFoolishFool · 15/12/2017 10:39

Maybe I will. It's just so expensive at the moment.
Thank you.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2017 12:32

Please contact CAB and see what your rights are.
Your DC are citizens of this country.
Has he always been like this or is it a recent things?
Shelter may also be able to advise you on housing etc...
This is basically abuse and Womens Aid can help you with that.

OnlyAFoolishFool · 15/12/2017 14:20

Thank hells bells.
I'm in the Republic of Ireland so I've no idea if they have the same services here.
I've nowhere to go only home but I really don't want to rip the kids away from their home country either.
I know I won't get rent allowance and the rental market here is terrible. No one can find accommodation.
I'd end up in emergency accommodation and be shipped from hotel to b&b.
At least at home I'd have my family to help out.

OP posts:
butterfly990 · 15/12/2017 14:45

If you look on this forum you will be able to get some local advise and perhaps make some new friends.

www.rollercoaster.ie/

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