Rushing into unsuitable relationships

[yetmorecrap]

This isn’t about me but am interested to know what others think. After being on MN for 13 months, I can’t help but notice the amount of situations where people seem to rush into things with new people or in some cases when they are with other people partly because the current situation in this country makes it so damn difficult for those who aren’t ‘paired up’ , stuff like private landlords not accepting housing benefit or 6 weeks wait for any new claimants or strict income criteria on rentals even though one person may be quite frugal on same income as another who is a spendthrift etc, the list is endless and i feel it is particularly hard on women and forcing many into frantically rushing to ‘find someone’ basically to share the financial load in many cases, rather than add to their lives. This seems to result in many situations of not taking the time to actually get to know someone fully or take time in introducing to kids etc. I do think the whole social structure is causing a lot of misery and mental health problems too. Interested to know what others think , short of a radical change of government thinking it’s hard to see solutions

YANBU - I don't think it's just the pressure on costs but sadly many people, men and women, seem to feel they need to be 'part of a couple' and drift from one unsuitable relationship to another, just to avoid being on their own. Being able to live independently and enjoying your own company is a great skill to learn.

YANBU. I think a big problem is that wages are so low that it's almost impossible to rent a place on one income if you're on minimum wage. If you're on a zero hours contract you're completely fucked. When I was single on NMW I couldn't afford to rent a flat with bills and run a car, so I had to live in a house share. That's fine without kids, but I realised if I'd had a child I'd have been completely screwed. And I live up north in a very cheap cost of living area.

So you're in a relationship, you split, you're now a single parent. You work a bog standard NMW job, say as a cleaner. On your wage you can't afford to rent a two bed place for you and the child. And even if you earn more, how on earth do you pay for childcare on top?

So I can totally see why people rush, I see people referring to a boyfriend they've dated for two months as 'my new partner' when they've known each other five minutes. If you can't afford to support yourself it's human nature to want to team up with someone else, after all one of the main points of a relationship is to share resources. Unfortunately rushing into things often leads to further problems. New partner you barelf know, moving in fast and emotionally damaging the kids as a result, have a new baby to 'finish the family' when you didn't know one another well enough, then you split when you realise it was too soon and you barely know them and now you have doubled your problem. Rinse and repeat.

I feel the answer lies in a) higher wages so you can support yourself on minimum wage b) subsidised childcare for working parents so they can participate in the workplace asap and have better chance of supporting themselves c) rent control, so landlords can't get away with all the shit they currently do and d) education on relationships and healthy partnerships in school and college, to give kids a chance of understanding what it looks like to have a healthy relationship, to get to know someone before having a child, to ensure you are in a financially stable position before a baby, the effect on children of constantly changing home circumstances, new step parents and step siblings if it isn't handled properly and given adequate time for adjustment. And of course, easily accessible free contraception.

YANBU - this is exactly why I married. We are now separated but as a LP on benefits I couldn’t risk losing my entire financial security (and for my two eldest dc) and becoming dependent if I moved in with h.

We married exactly a year after meeting. I didn’t know him well enough.

It had been very hard being on my own.

Being able to live independently and enjoying your own company is a great skill to learn

Never was a truer word spoken.

Definitely. And you're right to mention the cost to health of bad relationships, and the resulting added pressure on services, too.

LemonShark

"I feel the answer lies in a) higher wages so you can support yourself on minimum wage b) subsidised childcare for working parents so they can participate in the workplace asap and have better chance of supporting themselves c) rent control, so landlords can't get away with all the shit they currently do and d) education on relationships and healthy partnerships in school and college, to give kids a chance of understanding what it looks like to have a healthy relationship, to get to know someone before having a child, to ensure you are in a financially stable position before a baby, the effect on children of constantly changing home circumstances, new step parents and step siblings if it isn't handled properly and given adequate time for adjustment. And of course, easily accessible free contraception."

All of that. Couldn't agree more.

YANBU. The rush that some people seem to be in, to move in together or move things on, staggers me.

Surely dating in the old fashioned sense (showing my age here) was the best bit.