Had an affair...

[Brokentobits]

Please don't judge me or hate me. I have only ever been with one man - my husband. We have been married for 5 years. I left my family for jim as they would not accept us. Long story short things got hard for me. There were lots of fights, occasional physical abuse etc. We have a 4 year old son which meant I couldn't leave him. I met this guy at work who had a gf and there was an instant spark. We had an affair for two years. It wasn't great all the time. There were fights and arguments over the future. I wanted to leave my marriage for him but he was hot and cold. He went travelling with his gf for 5 months. I tried to call things off but felt too weak as I felt i was in love. He moved in with his gf (in her dad's flat) in a fancy area - which he loved to show off after he was back from his holiday and things just got too painful for me. I still hung on as I hoped we would get together one day. Some days were great fun. We had meals out, cinema etc. But He witheld affection (wont let me sit too close or hold his hand or give him a kiss) depending on how he felt about the situation and borrowed quite a bit of money over the past year as he gambled a lot at the time. In july he told me his gf was unexpectedly pregnant. It ripped my heart and i never cried this hard in my entire life. I wanted to cut ties but he asked me to help him through this difficult time. I was too weak to let go. We had sex only once during the past year which was 2 weeks ago. Half an hour after that he told me he loves but "child is child" . I was so confused and disgusted with myself. I begged him to change his mind and he said we were fine but he started acting very frosty. So finally today i told him to go away as i couldnt bear being so unwanted. I was so kind and generous to him. Always made sacrifices with my time to go see him for his lunch (i work from home). Always paid for our meals together. He would buy an occasional drink. Bought him two Christmas and one bday present. I never got anything. I never demanded anything. We talked about getting married etc. My hair has started going white since he told me about his baby. Now i feel i was just used for a bit of laugh and some money here and there. As soon as he got used to his surprise new role, he was desperate to get rid of me. I have never experienced heartache of this kind. I could never imagine someone who told me all those things would change like that overnight.
Please be kind to a very broken woman who would rather die than feel so worthless and disposable.

Readjust that crown lady. You're a queen and deserve better. Yes you've made a mistake and you've been used. You need to leave your dh. You're not happy. Do it for you and not for everyone else. Get a new house a new job and a new hair cut. Believe in yourself and stop living life for men.
Live it for you.

You know I find it hard to find my sympathy card when you had an affair with someone who had a GF. Nevertheless I don’t blame you for having an affair if you were being abused. Just who you decided to do it with.

BUT. Time to look after YOU! Get the hell away from your husband and give you and your son a fresh start. Don’t touch attached men either, you are better than that, every woman is

Amazinggrace... thank you very much for your kind words.
Animation. You are 100% right. I don't deserve an ounce of sympathy for being a cheat. I am still very very naive when it comes to these things and genuinly felt he was being truthful when he said they were "doomed". I have no family of my own who keep in touch with me and have very few friends. But yes you are 100% correct again. Never ever ever ever. Thank you for your reply xx

So you say you couldn't leave your awful husband because of your 4-year old son but the moment you start an affair you wanted to leave your husband for the other man.

Yeah, right.

Shatnerswig. Thank you for your reply. I did say in my post I have no other family and not many friends I could rely on. My job situation means I can't afford to live in an expensive City on my own. I am a naive mother who didn't want to make things too difficult for my son. Thanks for your understanding xx

I wonder if this goes a lot deeper and further back than the present trauma. It seems that you have allowed yourself to be used and abused for a very long time. Does this putting up with crumbs (if even that!) and asking for nothing/expecting nothing for yourself, go back to your parents treatment of you? When you say you had to give them up - are you NC with them? Did they "come around" when you had your child?
It sounds to me like you are desperately insecure and afraid.
Have you thought of therapy to help you work out why you think this appalling treatment is all you are worth?
Do you have support in RL?
I'm sorry you are in pieces right now. Maybe from this harsh place, it will drive you to seek answers as to why you accepted this invalidating behaviour for so long. Why do you think you are worthless?

What about your son? Were you just going to move in with this new bloke and expect your son to just adjust straight away? You should take months of introducing a child to a new partner and probably not move in with someone for a long time. Or were you going to leave your son. You've just thought about yourself, been ridiculously naive and not really thought about the practicalities, even though you say you didn't want to make things difficult for your son.

Now, do the sensible thing. Leave your husband, work out the finances, and just spend a long time with just you and your son so that you're in the right place to meet another guy a fair way down the road.

Wishiknewthen... thank you very much. you have got me seriously thinking!!! I havent spoken to my siblings for 5 years or so. I speak to my mum sometimes and saw her three times this year but we are nothing more than pleasant strangers. No one came to see my son which will always sting.

Shaterwings.. yes you are absolutely right. I was incredibly awfully naive. My plan was to move away from my husband for a bit in a shared accommodation and then move in with the other man as he assured me he loved my son. Hindsight is a great thing! Thank you for your patience! No way i will ever let a man come into my life until my son is grown up. Xx

Did you want to prove to your family that your marriage to your husband could work but by leaving him proves to them they were right all along?

You went to the OM because your needs weren't being met by your DH.

I wouldn't entertain a relationship with anyone who emotionally or physically abused me and I wouldn't let my kids see this either.

The OM could probably see that he could use your situation to his advantage. He sounds vile. I'm not a fan of people who have affairs but I understand how they happen. Ditch both men and get some councelling and try and heal from this, it won't be easy but you can do it OP.

Oh you poor thing! It seemed obvious from your post that there was a lot if other stuff going on. Your parents haven't seen your child?? And you're hurt - I would think that's an understatement!
I think there are many clues as to why you accept the unacceptable. Also why you now feel so broken...empty...afraid.
Please think about therapy. It sounds like you need to be held safe for a long time and helped to unravel the causes of your insecurities.

Bibbidee... i hate myself more than you can imagine for being a cheat. I never wanted to stay in that situation and always thought it would end soon.
Iwishiknewthen.. thank you. I don't have a lot of personal money but i am reading around to get some understanding. I do feel very empty as I never ever make friends. The only few friends i have are old uni friends. I thought i found a friend in him and invested so much energy and effort... now he doesn't want to know me. I just don't understand how people can treat other people like that. Just so disposable.

Leave your boyfriend.You don't have to be on your own until boy grows up but you do need to be cautious.
The same way a hungry animal gets caught in a trap,an unhappy lonely person is very vulnerable to a predator .
You might not have much support in real life but if your unsure about a future relationship you can always share your concerns on here
Good luck

If this post was from a bloke, he would have been torn limb from limb - not get "oh you poor thing" comments.

Just saying....

So you say you couldn't leave your awful husband because of your 4-year old son but the moment you start an affair you wanted to leave your husband for the other man.

Yeah, right.

I think the issue here is that you OP sound like someone who is terrified of being alone. You can only leave one crap relationship if you think you have another better one to go to. This affair is and always has been a crock of shit but you won't see it. You are clinging on like it's a lifeboat full of unicorns and roses, captained by your knight in shining armour.

My plan was to move away from my husband for a bit in a shared accommodation and then move in with the other man as he assured me he loved my son. Hindsight is a great thing! Thank you for your patience! No way i will ever let a man come into my life until my son is grown up. Xx

Right. So you've gone from wanting to move in with this man and you've already introduced him to your child by the sounds of things to saying you will now never be with anyone until your son is grown up.

For goodness sake, get a grip. Life doesn't have to be all or nothing. SLOW DOWN. Stop lurching from one extreme decision/emotion to the polar opposite.

Why did your family not accept your husband? What was it about him they didn't like?

You gave up everything to be with him and yet within a couple of years he's apparently so awful that you've embarked on an affair with someone who doesn't sound much better.

It seems to me you throw caution to the wind, always following your daft heart and not your head. You are getting completely swept up in the drama of it all, romanticising these bad relationships. First of all an 'against all odds' marriage to someone who, as it turns out, is horrible to you, and then a fairly seedy and run of the mill affair with a man who casually uses picks you up and drops you when it suits him and only calls when he wants money or attention.

Let the scales fall from your eyes and see that neither of these men are any good for you. Find the strength to be alone for a while. It's very character building.

Astridwhite... thanks for your detailed message hun.
I am Asian and my husband is English. My parents and family (except for one sister who met him over lunch) never even met him. We met at uni and things were fine until he got diagnosed with depression and his personality changed a lot.

I have only ever experienced these two relationships which were not as great and hence why I have decided no man comes before my son. I feel I had a lucky escape with OM in that respect.

Reading between the lines you have a very low opinion of men that you think either of these men you’re involved with are “good” people. That needs addressing before you ever embark on another relationship otherwise you are going to keep falling for unsuitable and abusive men.

You need to be on your own. It doesn’t even sound like you know who you are. It will be hard but being a single mum to a 4 year old with no one to answer to is much easier than being in an abusive relationship or trying to manage an affair with a man who doesn’t really want you.

Fairylea thanks for your reply. You are correct. I made a terrible terrible mistake. You are correct in saying am no longer wanted by this man. I never wanted to stay in an affair as I thought we would be together soon. I will take your advice and do some soul searching!! Thank you x

Fancythatedge... you are right. I don't deserve any sympathy whatsoever. Feel free to make your own judgements. Thanks xx

You have been a strong lady already by marrying someone not approved of by your family. That takes guts. Find that strength again to leave your abusive marriage and be alone with your son. You can do it.
The OM has not treated you very well. I’m not going to call you for having an affair, it doesn’t surprise me that you did. That doesn’t make it right but OM is not your ‘happy ever after.’ He’s used you. He’s a cheat and a liar. He is not the answer to your situation. The answer is within yourself. Get yourself free and maybe try to build some bridges with your family. That will be hard too but I’m sure they love you and would not want you to be in this situation at home

Aminuts.. thank you very much for replying back. I have tried on numerous occasions to be civil (at the very least) with my siblings. I am just an outsider now and they dont want to include me to their lives. It's unfair on my boy to have a false sense of a wider family when they don't us there. His cousins would e.g say to us " who are you? you are not my cousin " and laugh. I can't describe how this hurts.
I have cried long and hard over them and I cannot go through that pain again.

You need to understand why you are so reliant on a man to validate you.
You do NOT need a man.
Please get in touch with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
They can help you with local support services to get out of your abusive marriage.
Your DC should not be subjected to a life of watching his mother be abused.
That, in itself is abuse of your DC.
CAB can help you with understanding what you are entitled to.
Housing, tax credits, benefits, etc.....
If you can and want to leave your H then I suggest you start getting things in place.
Get all important paperwork out of the house and somewhere safe.
Marriage cert, birth cert, passports, bank account details, house details, pension, wage slips.
Talk to WA and CAB and take it from there.

Hellsbells thank you very much for showing care and concern and tgsnk you for your advice too xx

The key to this....is gaining financial independence and ending your marriage.

When you are in a better place emotionally....you can then think about a relationship. You don't have to be on your own till your son leaves home.