Mum at crisis point with adult sister - can anyone help? (Ireland specific)

[pandarific]

Short story - my adult sister lives with my mum, and is mentally unstable, out of work and emotionally abusive. I live in the UK, my dad lives 3 hrs drive from where my mum and sister live, and my parents are not together.

Have had lots of phonecalls tonight after what my mum says was a deliberate destroying of some personal items by my sister, and my sister says was a mistake. Either way, my mum can't cope with her any more, is on the verge of a breakdown, and gets abuse every day from my sister.

My sister is out of work so no money, and not signing on because she refuses - day to day she lives off of savings from when she was working, my mum doesn't charge her rent. Are there any family services in Ireland who could help support either or both of them?

My sister is unstable and needs some help - is there anything? My dad and I could make up any shortfall in her living costs if she were to receive unemployment or other benefit, but we're not especially wealthy and couldn't afford to support her ourselves without any benefit. But she can't stay with my mum any longer.

Any advice will be gratefully received.

Have you tried yourmentalhealth.ie ?
Is your mom is a town or living rurally ?

If she's mentally ill, call her doctor.

In a large town. Looking on mental health site now.

But the problem is she strenuously denies being mentally ill or unstable, completely refuses to engage. What can her GP do if she won't engage?

I'm sorry to hear what your mother is going through.
It is a very distressing and draining situation when an adult child with mental health issues and living with parents refuses to get help. I've witnessed this with two of my neighbours adult children and the terrible impact.
Can your father have her stay to give your mother some respite?
Obviously I don't know the extent of her MH issues but even to get someone sectioned against their will is virtually impossible as the bar is set very high.
I'm sorry I can't suggest very much - it's the same old frustrating truth that you can't help someone unless they want it.
II is very hard when it's your own child - even when they are an adult child - to ask them to leave knowing they could be homeless.

Just mention that she should sign on for the sake of her pension!! Maybe she will feel there is less indignity in safeguarding her pension that in just applying for JSA.

What makes her 'mentally unstable'?

What age is your mother? You can ring the HSE regarding elder abuse. They will give you a phone number for a social worker near your mother, and you can ring them for direct advice. They'll make an appointment for your mother then if she wishes, and it can be taken from there.

I'd still phone if she isn't 65, they'll advise on what other route to go. Your mother will have to be prepared to legally force your sister to move out.

www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/olderpeople/elderabuse/What_is_Elder_Abuse_/

Ringing HSE about elder abuse good idea.

There's also Women's Aid. Will also advise.
www.womensaid.ie/services/local.html

She could be eligible for disability payment but would first of all have to see doctor and get diagnosis
If she worked before why is she not working now? Was she ok while in school or did she always have difficulties?

I think seeing a GP, if she hasn't already done so, would be a good idea for your DS and your DM.

Have a look at the HSE site.

www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/Mental_Health_Services/

Maybe social housing is a possibility.

nda.ie/Publications/Environment-Housing/Housing-Publications/Social-Housing-and-People-with-Mental-Health-Difficulties/#footer-nav

Does your DM have a good friend or family who can help her to deal with this situation? To give her a hand with things? Would she call the Samaritans, who might have some way of advising practically?

Could you call your mum's GP and have a chat with him?

Thank you all so much - I will respond tomorrow.

It sounds like the living situation is not helping. Often people like your sister do better living alone. It is the relationships they have difficulty with.
She probably won't sign on because she is ashamed of not working and doesn't want to admit to herself she is out of work. Neither will she accept a low-skilled job I'd expect because she has a distorted view of herself which swivels from low self esteem to thinking she's above everyone else. If she cannot work due to emotional/mental issues then she could apply for disability pension. However, I strongly expect she won't do this either.
Your mother is enabling her by not charging her rent and providing a home. What would be best is if your mother could ask her to leave. I'd imagine if your mother confronts her or questions her, your sister turns on the tears and tantrums and goes all 'victim'...'you don't care about me' etc etc.
Your mother needs the support really because your sister won't take any advice from anyone (I know the form from my own experience!). It is not helpful either for others in the family to be constantly telling your Mum off for being too nice etc etc. So think about your own approach to your Mum. Instead of saying 'Mum, you need to tell her to go' you can say 'Mum, she would be better off having her own space, she would do much better there'. etc.
Your sister needs boundaries but she will kick off at every boundary that's why she needs to move out.
If you are in a smaller town not a city the St V Paul are very good place to start.
Also your mother could ring your local Community Health Centre or Community Mental Health centre and ask to speak to the Community Mental Health Nurse, they are very good also.

Thanks all - have collated all info plus some a very kind poster messaged me into a long email including specific numbers for her local services and what would happen at each step. Have sent to both my mum and dad and have made it clear to my dad that he needs to take some time off and go and help my mum decide on a course of action.

I’m having a bit of a panic though as dh and I had flights booked to go to my mum for xmas, and though we’re staying in a hotel (directly due to sisters behaviour last time I was back for xmas) my mum seems to think this is the time for a family ultimatum. I’ve said I can’t do that - I know exactly how it will go having being through many many of these scenes and I just cannot put myself and DH through that when we’re supposed to be having a family holiday.

Ive told my mum and dad I don’t want to be involved beyond all the practical advise I’ve sent and financial help when she’s receiving benefit and living out on her own.

I can’t do it, I just cant. I find it so upsetting and it makes me so anxious I can barely breathe; much as I will try to help she is not my responsibility and the decisions they need to take need to be taken by her parents.

I don’t know what will happen next, or if xmas is on or off. Worse, my lovely in laws paid for our flights as an xmas gift and my parents are obsessed by keeping this all a secret, if we do cancel then we’ll be pressured to lie to in laws, which DH will hate and probably refuse.

sadie9 you’re right in what you say though it’s been going on and on for the past 3 Years, same circular conversations, promises, sweeping under the rug etc. Sis’ behaviour has escalated beyond what you say above, as has my mums. Lots of screaming, threatening guards, door off hinges etc.

I have a similar situation, pandarific, and basically if your mother isn't willing to get your sister removed from her home there is nothing you can do. You can't force her, and you can't force your sister to get help. It's a bit like a husband or wife who won't do anything about an abusive spouse. Neither your mother nor your sister is your responsibility.

You have yourself and your own family to care for. Go for Christmas anyway but stay out of the conflict.

The guards also give fantastic advice btw. Your mother shouldn't use them as a threat, though, she should just phone them.

Totally agree with Ballyhoo's post. This can go on indefinitely. Between a rock and a hard place - either to continue the nightmare or force their daughter out (very difficult thing to do to your child). But OP - you have to keep your distance which you seem to be doing, hard though it is. Otherwise you will all be on your knees eventually.
Good luck.