Do I try harder at my marriage??

[erialc1717]

I could really do with some advice.

The situation:
My Ex hubby and I are spending more and more time together and we have discussed possibly giving our marriage another go (we have been separated 1 ½ years for various reasons). On the surface it seems like the right idea because:

a) We get along really well
b) He is the father of my children
c) The kids love him
d) He has been making a big effort to support me and the kids both financially and emotionally

So anyone would think that the decision is a no brainer but alas, life is not so simple. I am a great believer that there has to be a physical attraction in a committed relationship. I want to kiss and cuddle and engage in the old horizontal dance in a marriage/relationship.
Mr Hubby is very keen to engage in such activities but I can’t bring myself to it. It’s not that he is hideous because he is a very handsome man. I genuinely feel nauseous when he so much as kisses me. This is not fair on him as he is trying so hard but I can’t help this reaction. If we were to engage sexually I think I would end up with me crying because of the nauseating feeling and anxiety.
This is something I have tried to battle. We have been intimate and in his eyes have been sexy but all that was going through my head was ‘please can this be over’ on the brink of tears.
Can I live a life with no intimacy or affection? No! And neither can he. But at the same time, my poor children. I am playing with not only his emotions but also theirs. The guilt is now becoming unbearable. I love him…. But do I love him as a friend and want to keep him on side for selfish reasons? I think so. I just want to know if anyone else has been in this situation.

Why did you break up?

Not a good idea to get back together if you don’t find him sexually attractive.

Do you have worries / issues with sex with others?

What is making you nauseous?

Hi Dozer
Finances, 2 babies in quick succession, constant arguing, no intimacy, resentment for each other. It was a very emotional and explosive breakup from both sides and now the dust has settled we have been spending time together.
It did initially cross my mind that it may be an issue with my sexual and intimate desires but during our break up I have been intimate and honestly have had no problems.
I wish I could turn these feelings on for him :( really beating myself up.

What is making me nauseous...million dollar question. I feel like I'm kissing my brother and my first instinct is to close my legs as tight as I can.

I know what you mean OP. I had this feeling with my 1st love - we could have got back together a number of times but physically, although I found him sexually attractive when we were 1st together, I just couldn't bring myself to even kiss him.

I don't think you can rationalise it or try to brush hit under the carpet, I think it's your body's way of saying "No, it's just not right. That time has gone."

I don't think it's selfish to want to keep him onside. My DS has an excellent, supportive and caring relationship with his ex, mum to his DS, and this works really well for both adults and children.

But they're not shagging (she has a new dp) and there's no chance they'll get back together.

If you feel sick at the thought of sex with him, you cannot get back together. It would benefit no-one. And I'm pretty sure it's not something you can turn on or off like a tap.

What you have now is good (minus the physical contact), can you just carry on with that?

Thats the problem. I cannot rationalise the situation because cannot find logical reasons behind this.
I would hope that should I have 'the talk' (biting nails) with him he would still continue with this level of effort. In my heart of heart though I don't think he will. He is very scared on being on his own and was very honest and vocal about his dating antiques during our separation as needed company. I am worried that this will have a detrimental effect on input from him.

I was in an almost identical situation, 2 babies close together, money strains, arguing, feeling trapped and no attraction, separated a year and a half, both had counselling.

I decided to try again although I felt like you did because in my case there was the added complication that we are from different countries and I was living in his and worried that I'd either be stuck there forever or have to take his kids away from him which wouldn't be fair.

We've now been back together for about a year and a half and it's not been easy. I've managed to get him to move to the UK with me and that has helped with me feeling less trapped and resentful and I've been honest with him about how I feel towards him. This has hurt him at times but he has been patient and it is improving. I now feel comfortable with closeness and I'm not completely averse to sex though I'm not seeking it out either. In my situation it was something I had to do and it's been good for my children to move here all together and I'm thinking if we separate again then at least I'm in my country.

I'm not sure we'll stay together long term as I can't imagine growing old with him but right now it's right for our family and I'm feeling increasing respect and appreciation towards him so who knows.

Without my complications though and I'm your situation I think I'd be tempted to draw a line under it and move on.