I don't know what to do

[newbirds]

I’m at my wit’s end and I need some advice. My relationship is at rock bottom, no idea how to make things better or if I even can.

Been together five years, we have a young baby together. Our relationship has been plagued by communication issues from the start, more recently there have been problems setting boundaries with my partner’s family.

Partner deals with any stress or conflict by hitting the bottle, alcohol has been a big problem for us over the last couple of years but if I try and get my partner to see how futile it is I’m accused of being controlling or a bore. He says he hits the drink because I provoke him/drive him to it, maybe I do, I don't know.

I’ve had CBT and gone to relationship counselling myself over the summer and feel like this has helped me, but if I try and talk about anything using the techniques I’ve learned, my partner thinks I’m talking happy clappy psychobabble, he says he doesn't believe/agree with it and that's that.

I ask questions trying to understand things from his perspective, to try and understand why he turns to drink for example or why setting boundaries with his family is such a problem and I'm horrified by some of the things he has confided in me.

Sadly when we're arguing and despite everything I've learned in therapy I'm ashamed to say everything gets dragged up and thrown into the mix. Used as cannon fodder I guess. I’m by no means perfect and have always overreacted and got angry which only aggravates the situation.

I’ve been trying to write a letter to try and say everything I want to calmly, but I’ve no idea where to begin or if it's even worth writing any more.

I love him and I want it to work, at the very least I want us to be good parents to our baby but it feels like so much mud has been flung from both sides and there's been so much horrible behaviour from both of us, where can we go from here?

Is start somewhere near your last paragraph x

In all honesty you need to decide if its worth fighting for or not. The stuff that horrified you - if it was stuff your DP did would it be a deal breaker? Has it ever got physical? Are you there because you have no other options?

You can’t change him if he doesn’t want to change. You can only you.

How’s about you try to get out of your defensive positions by making every effort to be calm and kind and then ask him to listen. Use I feel statements not you did statements and start positive telling him he’s loved and you want to be with him.

Yeah it sucks to do this when you want to just wallop them over the head with the listen to me stick but sometimes people don’t hear each other because they get stuck arguing and upset. Try bringing kind and calm back in then talk rather than argue.

You can’t save a relationship single handedly.

SleepingStandingUp - it's more things like he's told me when his parents split his mum essentially took off and left him to it, he was a teenager, she basically moved in with a partner and together they drank away the divorce settlement. I feel horrified that he's gone through that, upset for him, angry with his parents for putting him through that and angry at the long term consequences it's had. Then I feel angry he's going down a similar path, drinking heavily when stressed, leaving me to it with baby, justifying it by saying I drove him to it etc.

I can stay with family and if need be I could even live there permanently, I would like to fix things in my relationship though. It just feels like we've got a mountain to climb and neither of us have the resources to deal with it.

Not physical beyond slamming doors etc, but the verbal abuse from both sides is horrible.

So him being an alcoholic is YOUR fault because you drive him to it!?
Because you are a bore.
Or you are controlling!
Yeah right.
This is what they all say.
I would start with finding your nearest Al-Anon group.
For family and friends of alcoholics.

And stop arguing with him.
When it begins to escalate.... 'I'm not arguing' and walk away.
Don't be drawn in.

But I think you know what needs to happen here.
You are not compatible.
He needs to address a lot of issues and won't.
You can't save him or fix him.
He has to do that for himself.

Google 'co-dependency' and see if you fit the bill.

Thanks karigan1. I'll give it a go.

Hellsbells - I think I know deep down I'm not responsible for his drinking but I can see how I aggravate the situation in an argument and a lot of people seek solace in a glass of wine or five when they're fed up, so sometimes I wonder would he drink as much if I wasn't around? I think he would though, his family are drinkers. Before I had a baby I used to drink a lot more than I do now, but my priorities have changed.

I've often wondered if I might be codependent. I'll read up on it some more.

HIS choice is to drink.
He could choose to leave the house and go for a walk or to the gym.
He doesn't choose that.
He chooses drink.
None of this is easy.
I wish you luck.

Thanks hellsbells for directing me to read up on codependency, I can see that I have some of these traits. In particular I think I try and 'fix' people/things, deep down I know I can't, but there's definitely that feeling that if I could just find the right words, say the right thing, find the right article I'll be able to get through to my partner and make him see sense. I know my partner's drinking is problematic but when he tells me that it's a reaction to stress often caused by me, I think maybe if I just toned things down a little, maybe if I find a better way to relate to him he won't drink so much. Where do I go from here? End the relationship immediately? Seek counselling for my codependency? Sorry for the millions of questions, I'm just clueless.

Counselling definitely.
And Al-Anon can really help you see that your DH is making you his 'excuse' to drink more.
It's not YOU - It's HIM!
They can show you that.

Thanks, I'm going to look into counselling for this. Briefly spoke to partner about this earlier, he was all for labelling me codependent until he found out what it meant and then he switched back to trying to get me to accept blame for driving him to drink.

I still love him but I don't know if writing the letter now is kind of pointless as surely a lot of the stuff I planned to write was part of this codependency, trying to fix him and feeling frustrated when it doesn't work?

I do feel optimistic about being able to divert that energy and address my own issues.

I've pondered going to Al-Anon before but wondered if I'd be a bit of a fraud. Partner gets up and goes to work everyday, I'm not finding empties hidden all over the house, nothing like that. It's just that for as long we've been together he's been dealing with stress, conflict etc by turning to drink or recreational drugs.

That said, he will occasionally hide empties in the recycling bin and if I've found them he either dismisses it 'oh it's just one I drank on the way back from the shop, and I put it straight in the recycling bin when I got home' or tells me he has to hide it as I'm a control freak.