Marital Issues - External Pressure

[Howwhatwhy]

This may be long but I need help. I'm sick - postnatal depression and anxiety so chances are I can't comprehend what's going on or how I feel, which is what I'm told. NC as I'm ashamed.

Strained relationship with my family historically due to issues in childhood. No abuse but some neglect. Very close to in laws. All fine.

Baby born. MIL kicked off that I was not cheerful enough when they arrived, they weren't allowed access to baby when they wanted (when asleep, feeding) and I needed to do better. Apologised, felt exceptionally judged as already floundering after traumatic labour that ended in EMCS and struggling to find my feet. Began to really struggle. Lots of other instances from MIL, like telling me that the way I had spoken to her son on one occasion (I had snapped she he hadn't winded the baby and she'd thrown up everywhere - bad reflux) had made her go home and cry at how he was treated. Didn't tell me something about baby that she had noticed as she 'didn't want to get involved' that required medical treatment. Felt like I was being left to really fail. Relationship with me and ILs fell apart. I didn't want them near me as I felt incredibly judged and they were piling on the upset. DH got upset at this point as it caused conflict between us. He wanted me to let it go and I tried to but was deep in depression then and I couldn't see the leaves for the trees anymore. I didn't want the pressure, I just wanted peace and I had to be on another level of cheerful happiness when they arrived, willing to hand baby over whenever they wanted and it was too much.

Almost separated with DH. Went to stay with family for a small break at the height of the issues. Parents in different country.

Agreed to work on issues and returned to marital home. DH read my messages between parents and me after I had gone to bed and saw some things they said about him (at the height of our issues based on things they had seen when visiting) and was exceptionally offended. Now hates my parents and was very angry about it. Let it pass, didn't want to cause an issue so didn't do anything. Things seemed to calm. His parents don't visit much anyway and tried to make some effort to build bridges. They no longer had the excuse that I was unwelcoming to avoid the house so I thought if they still didn't bother it wouldn't reflect on me anymore.

Found out I'm pregnant again. Told families and MIL was angry, said we might have been able to forget about our marital issues "but she can't.". DH stood up for us but she was very difficult and angry and I'm sick of it. Relationship dented again and I'm still not well and struggling with this up and down.

DH angry that I'm struggling with the relationship again. Gets really irritated and angsty that I don't particularly want them around and throws my parents issues at me a lot, as well as my past which inspires the same responses in me. I go after his family and how awful I feel like they've been and it just never bloody ends.

Feel so lost, trapped and alone. I love DH but I hate what this conflict is doing to us. We basically can't get on, more often than not just abide one another. It just feels like too much on top of my depression and I can't see a way out of all this.

Perhaps I'm giving this too much thought. Maybe it's me just not being able to work through this in my head!

First of all are you receiving treatment for your PND and anxiety?. If not you must seek medical help for this as soon as possible.

Why are you apologising to them at all; they have done their bit here also to make you feel the ways you do now and their actions have certainly contributed to your depressed state. You sought outside support from your parents and how it is also that your DH managed to read your messages to/from them?.

Your childhood does not sound at all good; neglect is neglect and I am wondering if you have ever talked with a therapist re your relationship with your parents. It may also be very helpful to talk to such a person about your ILs too.

What has your DH done here really to sort this out apart from blaming you?. He seems to have done little to nothing to resolve the underlying problems stemming from his parents overbearing and controlling nature. BTW too such behaviours like that are abusive in nature.

Your DH seems mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his own overbearing parents and is blaming you unfairly for their conduct. You have not caused them to act this way; they have done this by their own actions. He cannot and will not deal with them due to his own inertia when it comes to them as well. That inertia simply hurts him as well as you. It does not look like he can at all assert his own self here re them and instead is throwing you under the bus as a means of self preservation. It also appears that his parents and not having them upset is far more important to him than seeing you distressed. He needs to do far more than what he has done to date if he does not want his marriage to end.

Thank you Attila. I am receiving treatment for my PND. I am supported by a mental health nurse, my GP and my health visitor. They are all doing their best.

I have talked through a lot with my HV (who is also a mental health specialist) and it has been cathartic to be able to explain all of my old and now current issues.

I apologised originally to in laws because my MIL became very agitated and nasty and I just wanted the conversation to end. I was a week along after the baby and I just wasn't in a good enough place to fight my corner. DH took my phone and read the messages when I was asleep. He took copies and kept them to re-read. My parents weren't nice about him in fairness but things were very bad between us, his behaviour has been really poor in front of them and they were responding to that. I hadn't told them about the struggles between me and the in laws because DH didn't want me to.

DH says he talks to them after the fact and tells them how unreasonable they are being and I thought it was all over after the first time but the behaviour after the pregnancy announcement shook me a bit. I feel like I do my best to cope, to be the very best mum I can be and I don't need to be scolded over what is effectively no one else's business. Yes, it's not ideal timing for sure and I would rather have given myself a chance to heal (and the relationship a chance to improve) before I dragged another baby into it but it can't be helped now. I feel like I just need care and support, everyone knows I'm unwell with PND and I feel so adrift and alone.

You and your children together should be your DHs priority. He shouldnt be piling on pressure about other things like this when you are depressed. I had PND and my husband made sure his parents did not come near me until I was ready for them to. When they came to meet the baby for the first time they only stayed an hour and I did not come downstairs in that time. If they complained about that I did not hear about it because my husband would not have told me.
It really amazes me that some people would actually put their parents being a bit offended over the welfare of their partner and child.
I really feel for you OP. Im not sure whats best to do but I think you are being very very accomodating of other fully mentally well adults when they are not giving two figs about you your illness and your children.

I know it must be very hard to stand up for yourself in your circumstances but if i were you I would not continue to apologise or be held responsible for things other people say or attitudes that they take. If you are doing what is best for you and your babies then you dont need to apologise to anyone. And why the hell should you be held accountable for things your parents have said about your DH? They didnt say them to his face they said them to you in private.
He is seriously gaslighting you if hes making you believe that everything you feel is down to your PND.

I honestly dont know what I would do in your situation it sounds awful to not have the support from your husband. My gut reaction is that I would just leave and go and stay with my family who would support me better and I would not back down unless I recieved a full apology and recognition of the complete lack of support I was receiving. You honestly might be better off alone taking care of your kids because it sounds as though you have three extra children to take care of with your partner and your in laws behaving as they are.

Ive not read a thread that made me feel so sad and trapped in a long time. I think its because im pregnant at the moment myself with my second and this situation sounds like my version of hell.

and why on earth was he going through your private messages? That is so alarming especially as he seems to be trying to police what is said in them RE your relationship. It sounds like he is actually very similar to his parents.

He says we are the most important to him and that he stands up to them but I just can't believe him when in the next breath he's telling me our relationship won't survive if I have a problem with the in laws again - but I can't help it. MIL hurts me. I can't dictate how she makes me feel, can I? I can't be expected to manage that on top of everything else, surely? I don't know if I'm being lazy or thinking too much about it but I just feel really judged. Whenever they are around it's like I have to dance to their tune, be chirpy and cheerful so nothing comes up again - so I don't upset them and DH and it's sad because this is our baby and our home. I shouldn't have to feel on edge in my own space, should I?

This does feel like hell. All I've ever wanted was to have a family. I struggled to even have a baby to begin with (miscarriages) and so it should have been so special and I feel like it's constantly destroyed for me.

DH said he wanted to know what was being said about him. As simple as that, really.

I agree about the messages - why was he going through your phone? He sounds as if he is more concerned about his parents feelings than yours.

Cross post, op. He is wrong, completely wrong, in his responses here. He needs to agree to really put you first. Tell him that you can't continue like this unless he does. You definitely shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own home - this must be absolutely awful for you.

I feel like the lowest priority. I'm not sure really what he should do, I don't care if he doesn't do anything. I just don't want to be beaten with this stick anymore, I can't control how the behaviour of others makes me feel - especially at the moment. I know I'm not great and I'm not asking for special treatment. I do think that even mentally well I would really hurt by all of this but would have been assertive enough in myself to tell MIL to do one.

its not simple its abusive to control the conversations that you have privately with your family about your relationship problems. Theres no justification for it. Hes cutting you off from them so you can get no outside perspective about his behaviour. What would he say if he knew about this thread?

No you shouldnt have to feel on edge in your own home at all. Your MIL wouldnt hurt you as much if you knew you had the support of your partner who also just thought she was batshit and wouldnt settle for any nonsense either. You are entitled to have boundaries. You shouldnt have to negate all your feelings to avoid anger. That is no way to live.

Its possible your PND might be making your in laws behaviour seem worse but that doesnt make it not real and it doesnt mean that you shouldnt be listened to.

He would go spare, call it betrayal and say I hadn't explained his side or whatever - but I have. My parents were not kind to him via messages but they were reacting to stuff they had seen and I can't control that. He says I should have stood up for him - and I did over telephone conversations - but obviously he's no privy to that. I feel like it's rich demanding I stick up for him and making such a fuss over things my parents have said, then letting his mum weigh in on the ne baby as nastily as she did and expecting everything to be fine and for me to continue to make a massive effort.

He says that his parents try to visit a lot but he's so worried that I will kick off (which I don't) that he stalls them but I just don't believe it. He lies to me constantly nowadays and so I think he's not being totally honest there either. I just don't understand how everything is my fault.

Am glad to see that you are receiving treatment for your PND: keep at it.

Your DH is completely mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his parents and would rather throw you under the bus than have his own self hauled over the coals by them and in particular his mother. He may never be able to fully assert his own self here because he is so in thrall to them still and still wants their (well his mother's in particular) approval.

It is indeed rich for him to state that you should stick up for him when he has not done anything to help you and continues to do so. He will not change. He is simply protecting his own self here re his parents at your overall expense. This is too deeply ingrained within him. Given his parents behaviours as well towards you no-one would put up with it willingly.

And what Tiptop wrote earlier to you as well; take heed of those words too.