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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Husband left me 3 weeks before first child born

11 replies

Mrsmoon37 · 11/12/2017 21:57

Hi - i am 37 and a first time mum. I met my husband almost 5 years ago, we got married 2 years ago and sold.our houses and brought a family home last september. We tried to get pregnant for a year and finally managed to conceive in january. I thought we were both excited,l about our first child - we went to antenatal course, two seperate 'babymoon' holidays, decorated nursery together etc. Our baby was breech so at 37 weeks i went to have the baby turned and when we got home he sat me down and told me he doesnt love me anymore, and has feelongs for someone else, and is leaving. Complete and utter devastation and shock followed - he spent a few weeks faffing about and then decided he wanted to stick around and make a go of things etc. He uas never been the same as before, wothdrew all affection, sleeps in spare room - he helps out alot with our daughter and the house but offers no emotional support to me. We were always really close and tactile and spent alot of time together and he made it clear he canr stand to be around me. He gets aggressive if i try to talk about what happned and is very controlling and demeaning in his actions. I think hes a narcisist and have for some time but i never thought he would do this, its like a bad dream. My daughter is 3 months old now and it hasnt got better and makes me so unhappy - so ijave told him i want divorce. Now he is all sorry for self and guilt tripping me - evdn though he has forced the issue. Any tips on how to cope/deal with ? How long does a div9rce take to finalise ?

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 11/12/2017 22:07

Oh my goodness OP!
I don't know how long a divorce takes but I'm sure someone will be along soon who does.
I would certainly be contacting a lawyer at this point.
What a nightmare for you. I hope you have some other support from friends & family. Can you get some counselling maybe too? Hugs to you and congratulations on your baby ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

MayFayner · 11/12/2017 22:08

What a selfish arse he is. I'm so sorry OP.

Get a solicitor if you haven't already. Can you get exH out of the house? Don't listen to the guilt trip, remember how you felt that day he let you down, and stay strong.

I was a lone parent with my DD (now 16) and its a hell of a lot better to be on your own than in the situation you're in now.

HappyHedgehog247 · 11/12/2017 22:09

Hello. Sending you hugs. I would call a couple of local solicitors in the morning as they will be able to give you loads of advice. I left my partner with a young baby and am SO much happier as a single parent. It's hard work but calm and happy!

Mrsmoon37 · 11/12/2017 22:50

I have been seeing a counseller and she has been great, she has made me see i need to leave him. I thought i could maybe forgive him, or at least forget, and stupidly thought he was scared of beong a dad and panicked and that when baby was born we woukd go back to being happy and close. He has done nothing to fix things, i have tried to he patiebt and focus on our daughter but he has made no effort for me to feel loved or special and doesbt wsnt to to talk about it. If i do talk about it or get upset he just gets aggressive. I know wmits the right decision in the long run, but feels terrifying - and very unreal - i was wondering around proudly with my bump 4 months ago avoyt to start a family and now its all gone very wrong. The money in the house is largely mine as i was the only one with equity to stsrt with and i have a deed to this effect thabk god - he might get 5k if lucky on sale. Need to sell anyway as too maby bad memories now and mortgsge too big for just me. Just wonder if i can make him leave before sale if i agree he doesbt have to pay mortgage ? It breaks my heart to see him all the time - im so angry and hurt - and want to be able to enjoy my daughter, not waste energy dealing with him . Its like taljibg ti a child, and i dobt want to be married to soneone capable of treating me like this. He keeos telling me its no big deal and i shouldnt be upset all the time and should just get over it as i have a picture perfect view of life whicb isnt reality...just so i know im not insane, i am right in thinking its nornal for me to be devastated ? Its like hes turned ibto someone else who i dobt know and cant stand.

OP posts:
Mrsmoon37 · 11/12/2017 22:53

Awful spelling on my part - apologies, cuddling daighter at same time x

OP posts:
MayFayner · 12/12/2017 11:52

mrsmoon I'm not sure of the answer re getting him to leave, but there are lots of posters over on the Relationships board that probably do, and have been in similar positions to you. If you like you could report your post and as MNHQ to move it to Relationships? You might get much more advice there Flowers

BiggapTwins · 12/12/2017 12:35

What a (put in all swear words you can think of) of an adult male!!!! How dare he mess with you, your life and a new life like that!!!! Sell yes and make him work to find you and have contact with your new baby (Congratultions btw). Seek legal advice asap and remain unbending. Be like the Eiffel Tower in this - as in strong, way bigger than him and a shining example to your child.

ToniMumsnet · 12/12/2017 16:46

We are moving this thread to Relationships soon.

Mrsmoon37 · 12/12/2017 17:52

Love the metaphor, will remekber this one.

Yes, i have run out of swear words...worryingly he seems to think its not that bad...

OP posts:
FellOutOfBed2wice · 12/12/2017 17:58

Jesus Christ I think you’ve been a saint to have lived with him this long. What an utter, utter piece of work. Divorce him and don’t look back.

ivykaty44 · 12/12/2017 18:03

Move far away from him - literally run for the hills. Sell the house take your share and tell him your moving to y and move to x

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