Lundy Bancroft: thoughts please?

[hopingforhappiness]

I'm really struggling in my relationship with DH.
I've recently read "Why Does He Do That".
It really chimes with me.
Made complete sense and has helped me order my thoughts and feel more empowered.
However, I read a comment on a MN thread recently which seemed to imply that Lundy Bancroft might not be as good as I think.
Can anyone expand or offer an alternative view please?

Don't know where you read that. It's pretty much the go-to reading suggestion for people in abusive relationships.

Maybe you could consider attending a Freedom Programme course in your local area, or online?

As with anything there are always some people who think it is great and some who don’t like it.

What matters is that you found it helpful.

I saw that comment too and was also surprised. The reason it has stuck in people's heads is because it's surprising that someone would think that. The vast majority of people on here think the book is very good. And as Offred said, what matters is that you found it helpful

The main criticism with Lundy Bancroft is that his abuser profiles are wildly inclusive - i.e. you can fit pretty much anyone into one or some combination of the "Mr. X"'s. There's even a warning not to show the book to your partner because it will be used against you - he will be able to fit you into one of the abuser profiles as well. In fact even by describing him in terms of one of the abuser profiles you could be labelled as a "Mr. Sensitive".

Very much a case of "chemical weapons are okay so long as only the good guys have them".

Maybe if you separate the abuser profiles from the relationship dynamics completely and from the rest of the book.

Every human behaves badly sometimes. The difference between abusers and people behaving badly is the elements of power and control.

Bancroft has a Blog. It's worth a read to see some of the women he's helped and he's exposed corrupt Family Judges in America who support abusive men.
The book saved my life, along with a couple of friends of mine. I too saw that comment but it was vague.
Seeing the work he's done and continues to do, I think he's one of the good ones.

It's a very good book. I read it coming from a radical feminist background so it wouldn't occur to me to try to categorise a female victim of domestic abuse under an abuser profile.
And in fact lundy bancroft very clear that it applies to male abusers of women.

I found "Should I stay or should I go" By Lundy better.

I think its easy to sometimes put behavior down as abusive when it isn't always necessarily, its the patterns that count and how things are dealt with.

it helped me see that I had misplaced guilt, that even if he wasn't doing things deliberately he could contain his behavior around others, it was only me (and to a certain extent the kids) that got the raw end of it.

I saw my EA sister in those pages ( apart from the sex issues) and it helped me to disconnect from her. It could just as well be "Why Does She Do That?"

^not much help to OP.
I think the general support for the book shouldn't be discarded on the back of one comment.

the poster who damned the book was only concerned it didn't uphold the poster's academic standards.

Personally, I'm less concerned about ticking academic boxes when it comes to something like this. You said the book had been a real help to you op - as it has been to countless women and will, hopefully, continue to set women free from domestic abuse. I say yay to that.

Reading this book was one of the lightbulb moments that helped me to leave my abusive partner. Especially where it was spelled out that the abuser carried out the abuse simply because he wanted to and it worked for him; not because he was a poor, abused boy himself who could not control his temper.

Generally, I like Lundy

Especially since he makes it clear that abusers will never change and does not recommend harmful practices like having joint counselling with your abuser

I found Lundy's book within days of a very abusive relationship ending.

I read it the whole book right through the night in one go!

It shed so much light on what had happened and it helped me go completely No Contact with the Abuser.

It also helped me realise that I needed to take care of and put myself first first for once in my life and being in my late 50's when I read it a few years ago did not come a moment too soon!

it helped me see that I had misplaced guilt

This. I think a lot of us minimise abuse because "he had a bad childhood", or "I'm just not explaining it in a way that gets through to him", or "he can't think straight in the moment" or whatever. This book cuts through all that confusion by pointing out that it's a chosen strategy which the abuser pursues because there is an advantage to him from it, and for him that far outweighs the cost to you.

That cuts through your misplaced sympathy for the abuser pretty quickly.

Thank you all.
Others have said that as I found it helpful that's all that matters. That is what I believed myself. Just had a niggling doubt that because I am desperately seeking answers and help, I've taken up Lundy's thinking and "run with it", without questioning at all.
I think that just viewing DH behaviour in a different way has been helpful in itself. Also, not trying to find the answers to his behaviour in his childhood etc.
It's helped me to react to him in a stronger, less emotional way.
However, the idea that there was little hope of him changing is a difficult concept to accept right now.
I'm also considering the Freedom Programme.
Again, thank you all for your useful insights.

Have you tried keeping a diary/list of the things your husband does? It's good to see it written down in black and white. Abused women are conditioned to question their own perceptions & often feel guilty about self indentifying as abused because there are other women out there who have it worse. But if the book rings a bell, it's because you've been living it. If you hadn't, then it wouldn't. Try writing the list when you're doubting yourself. I still go back to mine sometimes

I found him unhelpful in that it felt a bit like astrology - you can find some of those traits in absolutely anyone if you want. I think it's handy when you know on some level you're being abused and need a structure to make sense of it, but it didn't feel very real to me, and I definitely had to start moving the facts around to put my abusive ex (who was definitely abusive - he tried to kill me!) into any of the boxes.

But that's me and clearly it does have a very positive message for many many women and that makes it important, I think.

“When Dad Hurts Mom” is also to be highly recommended for the effect on children of being around an abusive father.

(Also by Bancroft)