I am sorry, this is going to be a long post. I will try to keep it short.
dh and I both had traumatic childhood.
dh had witnessed his df abusing his dm. His dm never left. Eventually, df stopped physically abusing mil as he started getting old. But he continued to be difficult with her. I didn't know this when we got married.
dh was difficult with me from beginning, but there was no violence. He would get very upset with me over non issues because I talked about something (completely harmless) which made him feel uncomfortable (his past baggage would trigger it). He would rarely apologise. This made me feel very unloved. I thought with time he will learn that I am somebody he can trust. I had thoughts of leaving but I never did because he is very affectionate other times. But he can't tolerate any complain (even if it's the most reasonable one), he would get very angry, go into silent modes.
A few times he acknowledged he was unfair to me and felt ashamed of it. And attributed this to him being mistreated by his ex. But in the heat of the moment, he would not be able to control his anger and would say very hurtful things.
I learnt later he has intimacy issues and can't completely trust. It's partly because of his experiences in life and partly his dm discussing negative behaviour of people while dismissing their good actions.
Another thing is he doesn't care for my perspective, when he is upset. He would not like me explaining my side when something bothers him, he says I am arguing rather than accepting that I was wrong. Even if I give a reasonable explanation, he would refuse to understand and would keep countering it like a lawyer. In his family conflicts are avoided.
mil lives far from us and dh's f passed away few years ago.
During each of our visit she was very passive aggressive with me and at times even directly insulted me. She is quite controlling too. She tends to do this more when her ds is away. She cares a lot about her relationship with dh, so to leave good impression with him, she try to show she cares about me even when that's not true e.g. dh told her I was sick, she told him she was worried for my health and I should see dr immediately but with me she argued about my sickness that I shouldn't have it. There are multiple similar incidents. She also tends to criticise about her son-in-law with my dh but never says anything directly to him. dh seems to have negative impression about his brother-in-law too.
First time I told dh about some issues I faced with mil as he wanted us to stay with her for 5 weeks and I wanted to go only for 3. I wanted him to understand about my experience with her.
Only recently he told me about his childhood trauma because I talked about something his dm said to me. He was very protective of her even though I never said anything strongly about her.
Now I feel confused about her. I feel bad that she went through abuse without much adult support. But I also know she is very critical, generally tends to analyse and judge people openly (this influences my dh). She also tends to give her thoughts on the concept of good wife with hand-picked examples and analyses bad behaviours of people. This influences dh's way of thinking as he sees her in quite positive light.
While talking about his childhood, he talked about her sacrifices to raise him and his sibling and felt guilty for her sufferings.
He also had vengeful thinking towards his f's family for being unfair to his dm.
I feel bad for him for having gone through so much and not having his dm care for him but at the same time feel resentful. When I talk, dh doesn't want to listen, he counter attacks rather than trying to understand. He had been very insensitive about my past. My f was alcoholic and gave our family very tough time. My gp were controlling, there was a lot of shaming, criticism. I also was sexually abused as a child (not by a family member, and not the worst kind), and was regularly stalked by some older boys. I didn't have anyone to talk to and I felt quite scared as a child and during teens.
In his defence he tends to lose empathy in fights. Other times he seems to be understanding. He is also very flexible about cooking, wanting to help with career, etc. It's just that he can't stand any criticism.
He went through a lot in life since young age and didn't have anyone who really cared for him.
I didn't think much about my own childhood until now but researching on internet I came across articles about childhood neglect and it seems mine has affected me in some ways even unknown to me.
I dont have much emotional support from my own family. I don't have any friends where I live (as I moved here recently). I have becoming quite depressed and hopeless because of my circumstances. I read about insecure attachment patterns - I think I might be anxiously attached and him avoidant. Also, I read about men who are mother enmeshed.
Has someone experience something similar (childhood trauma and stress from families affecting adult relationships)? And most importantly is there anyway to improve?
I dont want to leave him. As much as it sounds cliche, he does have a loving side. I am also not helping situation because, for sometime, I have nothing going on in my own life - no career, social life, support or comforting relationship with own family. I would really appreciate advise or a balanced perspective from someone experienced in these matters.
Also, how can I become stronger to cope such relationships without any support. I can't afford therapy right now.Thank you so much for reading.