Dp and money

[wearyandteary]

I really don't feel that I have anyone that I can talk to about this in rl so I would really appreciate the views of mumsnet.

Dp and I have been together for several years, we lived together in my flat for about 1 year before moving to our home and then having dd shortly afterwards.

I love dp dearly, he can make me so very happy when we are together. He can be kind and thoughtful and loving. He adores dd.

Our problem area is money. I earn considerably more than dp, I have always known this. I am very lucky as I have a well paid job that I really enjoy. Dp has recently had to change jobs and has been very cagey about how much he earns now. I felt that this was wrong, I really feel that as we are a family, we should share our finances and make joint decisions based upon what we can afford as a family.

Last night I asked dp to tell me how much he is earning, he initially avoided telling me until I pressed him. He finally revealed that he was earning £200 per month less than he had been telling me. I tried to have a sensible discussion with him about his future in his new job and our future financial plans, new car and bathroom, and how we could achieve them. He ended up storming off. Tonight he has gone out to the pub and won't answer his phone. I feel sad that he is avoiding me.

I try really hard to be sensitive to the fact that I am the main earner but we can't avoid the issue altogether. It annoys me that he seems to feel that I think less of him because he earns less when that is not the case at all. I'm also frustrated that he seems to view himself as separate from dd and me, not having a proper joint bank account making it hard for us to budget accurately. I also feel that he takes advantage of my greater earnings by letting me take responsibility for paying all of the bills etc. I really feel a huge burden of financial responsibilty and I need dp to start to help me to share it.

How can I take things forward without more arguements?

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this .
I'm in a similar situation to you (although not at the mo cos I'm on maternity leave and only getting SMP) but I usually earn considerably more than my DH and always have done. We don't have a joint bank account as we have never gotten round to it. All the bills come out of my account and we spend DH money - although thats what he likes to think! I always end up at the end of my overdraft and don't have any money for myself!! I don't know what he spends his on but there is never any left!!

He may be feeling guilty that he can't 'provide' as much as he wants for his family, although you are being really sensitive to his feelings he may still feel inadequate (as my DH did).
We had a really open talk about how things stood and at the mo things are fine. I really feel for you though cos its awful when they bottle things up and go out and you're left at home. Hope you sort this out

Thanks for responding emwad. It's really hard because dp just won't talk about it.

I suppose really for me there are several smaller problems that are all linked by money iyswim.

Firstly, I wish he felt able to talk openly and honestly with me about his earnings so that we could budget more accurately, agree savings etc...

Secondly, I wish that we could view our salaries as joint, ie one big pot for us as a couple/family. I alsao worry that part of the reason he seems unable to do this is because perhaps he doesn't think of us as a family in the same way that I do, I worry that he thinks of us a two individuals with dd.

It really seems as though you need a good talk. How old is your DD? Can you get a baby sitter for a night and go out together (have a few drinks) and see if you can get him to open up and talk?
The basis of any relationship (especially ours now) is the fact you can talk and be very open to each other.
I have always been very independant and never wanted to ask him for money after all mine has gone, but when I did, I think it made him feel like he was providing, in a way.

weary, I think you have hit the nail on the head and can address your arguments in a realistic fashion. It's never a "you should earn this / I should earn that" discussion, it's a collaborative effort. You shouldn't feel bad just because you are in the position of main earner - he wouldn't, if it were him - that's just a fact of life and one to be dealt with. We really cannot apologise for basic stuff like that.

How would you like to even the score, ideally?

Ideally we would have a joint bank account into which both of our salaries were paid and all of our bills came out. We would each use the account for day to day expenditure, sandwiches, petrol etc but would have an agreed amount that we could spend each month on personal stuff; makeup and clothes for me, going out and fags for him.

In an ideal world dp would earn more but I really only want him to achieve this if he is happy at work. I don't want him to be miserable in the long term just for some extra money now.

Right, so why can't you have a joint bank account now?

Dp has always been reluctant to sort it out with me. He would still want a separate account of his own. I think he thinks that I'd be trying to control him in some way which obviously I'm not.

So ... why can't you have a joint account of your own?