Someone tell me I'm not crazy please

[GsbMaxi]

I apologize if this gets long. I started a thread a few weeks ago but feel like my situation has changed and just need someone to help give me some confidence/advice.

H is and has been emotionally abusive for years. It's really only in the last year that i've even realized this/ come to the reality of it. He has other faults in that he has been innappropriate with other girls by means of text and social media since the first year we were married. (It's been nearly 9 now) I've basically blamed this on the fact that we married fairly young and he just wasn't settled. Given that we are in our 30's now I can't really give him even that excuse. (And who am I kidding, I shouldn't be making excuses for him)

Some days he is wonderful. Happy, helpful, loving and funny. Other days he says i'm an ugly cunt, undetermined, unsocial, he hates my face, i'm a stupid bitch and the like. He says that I live in a fantasy world by thinking life is rainbows and butterflies. I disagree, I just have a positive outlook and happen to love my life and family. He on the otherhand tends to find the bad in most things and does struggle with anger/depression.

A few weeks ago I decided to see a lawyer because his behaviour has gone from sporadic to almost constant over the last year or so. I Had full intentions on going through with it. At first he didn't even believe I had gone. Laughed at me, just played it off completely. Pretended he was leaving for a few weeks and packed his bags, only to text me a couple days later for me to "say the word so we can fix this" and to let him fix things and love me. I said no at the time, but he showed up home an hour later. After throwing my entire closet and bathroom down our stairs, he told me he was panicking because he didn't think I was actually serious about leaving and was just realizing I meant it. That I was pulling his entire life and children from under him and that he wanted a chance to make it better.

During the next couple of days he did a lot of communicating and owning up to his EA. He said he never really thought or saw it in that way and it wasnt until I started accusing him of it did he read up and realize what he was doing to me. That he was so sorry and he behaves to the rest of the world and needed to behave to me also. That he would seek therapy not just for me and the kids but for himself. He admitted to treating me like a servant ( I make EVERY meal, the man doesnt even re heat things himself or get his own plate of already made food. I serve it to him. I also do all the laundry, takr care of kids, house cleaning, scheduling, and take care of finances. He literally does nothing other than go to work and play with the kids at times.)

Anyhow, he made admittance to those things about 2 weeks ago and I decided to give him a chance. That if he really realized it and didnt want to lose his family I should let him prove it. I do love him so. Yet night before last we were talking at the table and I made a comment about his buddy's samosas that he didn't like - he proceeded to call me a spoiled stupid cunt and he does not love me. He calmed down and said he needed to find an apartment, that he doesnt treat me well because he hasn't loved me in a long time and that he just doesnt want to be with me. He told me he isn't in love with me over and over, I think because he could see it was hurting me and making me cry.

Now today he is talking to me as though it didnt happen (he's been out of the house in the mean time, shift worker) and is in the basement watching movies with the kids. Basically ignoring completely.

I am so confused. I am hurt. He got my hopes up so high. I had become distant and detatched from him and in a week he managed to bring me back to feeling desparate and in love. Someone tell me what's up from down. He really seemed sincere and to understand the damage he's caused. And has behaved really beautifully since then until last night.

I am sorry for the gross length of this!

Runrabbitrunrabbit when you say do I feel wrong to leave when he id being nice - yes that is EXACTLY how I feel!!! As though I really have no reason or excuse to get things going. Lately though, even when things are "good" they are never what they used to be. He doesnt want to add photos of us on fb anymore or any social media, says we "pretend" to be happy for the public and he doesnt want to take pictures with me. That sort of thing. I feel as though normal couples love to share how in love they are and I want that too.

It feels to me that you have compartmentalised his bad behaviour, boxed it up as a bad and unusual thing to be be rationalised / ignored.

This has had the effect of turning your image of your marriage into a series of disconnected episodes, which can only be judged on what's happening in that moment in that box in that episode.

I think each relationship has an overall tone, an overarching "feel". You have kind of disconnected yourself from noticing, feeling yours.

People break up all the time because I'm just not happy without there ever having been a big single incident "worthy" of ending a relationship.

Stop looking at the individual events and start looking at the themes, the overall feel of your marriage. Then that should give you the reason you need for leaving and make his hoovering ineffective.

As someone who’s been there I am telling you right now. Leave. Leave him.
I’ve had the tears, the promises after I saw a solicitor, the insulting attempts to see, out a therapist that would help him deal with what a controlling, narcissistic abuser her was.

I gave him that final chance. A year and half later I’m back at my childhood home with my young children going through hell in court because he didn’t change. He also got worse. A lot worse. He assaulted me. Told me he could kill me. Out his hands around my throat. He also hurt our son, psychologically terrorised him, he accused me of abusing our children. On oath. He recorded me on camera, kept logs, stalked me, undertook smear campaigns telling people who know and love me I was mentally ill. He tried to blackmail me with toxic empty threats. Told me he was going to try to have me sectioned. I gave up my career, almost 100k of my money and he duped me. Made me continue with a pregnancy when he refused to withdraw from me.

They don’t change. They just own up to it and beg you for as long as it takes to pluck your almost broken heart strings. Then it’s back to normal.

Please don’t end up writing the sort of thread that I have. You need to leave.

You are worth so much more than this. He deserves whatever he gets.

I meant to also add that you grieving for what you want will only turn into grieving for what you will never have and never did have.

Sorry if that sounds cold and matter of fact but it is the truth. It’s impossible to ever know peace and sustained happiness with such a man as this. If it was they wouldn’t make you feel the way you do most of the time.

runrabbit yes you seem to be hitting the nail on the head. I think in a way this compartmentilizing has allowed me not to hurt as badly all the time as well, like a coping mechanism. I don't know why I feel like I need another blowout in order to have the reason to leave, it's like even though I'm fully aware that normal people leave relationships for all sorts of normal reasons, if I tried that he would somehow make me stay.

lollipop I am so sorry for everything you've been through. It sounds insane and horrible. Though my situation isn't nearly as bad (yet) I know I need to end it before it is. I don't know why it all has to be so complicated or even so hard to let go, I dream of the simplicity of being alone with just the kids and I. But then he can say a few things and my mind changes completely and I can't understand why I don't deserve his love when I am so very good to him.

He is driving me crazy today trying to tell me how attracted he is to me and why can't we just have a loving, normal relationship.

He is clearly sensing that i've backed off since him blowing up about the samosas

The sooner you get away from that man, the better. He's manipulative as fuck and it will only escalate when he realises you're not going to comply with him any longer.

You can’t have a normal loving relationship because of the way he is. He told you that he doesn’t love you anymore. That he hasn’t loved you for a long time. That itself should be enough to get you angry enough to ditch his abusive backside. He’s not good to you and your children will end up distant from you because they see how he treats you

How is it driving you crazy that he's saying these things? What kind of crazy.

It would make me angry, furious, livid.

trying to tell me how attracted he is to me So? Are you supposed to be grateful? Is this a reminder that his wants trump your needs always? Does he just want sex? What fucking relevance does this fact have to anything?

why can't we just have a loving, normal relationship Oh, he's trying to blame shift! This implies it isn't him being a dickhead that is the problem! How did you not scream "because you are dickhead!" at him?

I can't understand why I don't deserve his love when I am so very good to him. Deserve his love? Eh? He's a dickhead. He does not deserve your love. Bullies don't pick on people who are horrid to them and be loving to the people that are kind. That's not how being a dickhead works. A dickhead is a dickhead. He is a dickhead all the time. What kind of person you are has no impact whatsoever on whether he is a dickhead or not.

I'm fully aware that normal people leave relationships for all sorts of normal reasons, if I tried that he would somehow make me stay. How?

When the hoovering makes you angry instead of hopeful then you've won and leaving will happen and his power will be gone.

runrabbit when I say crazy those would all be words to describe what I mean. Another good one would be insulted. Insulted that he thinks a couple of comments are going to make me see past the fact that he is completely vile to me.

I need to get out. This I know. I'll be talking to my parents later this week about helping me financially to get into another home until we can get ours up for sale and sold after christmas. I'd love to stay where I am for the kids' sake of not having to move, but i'm realizing more that I need him to not have access into my home at all.

You need to leave for your kids too Gsb. They aren't conscious of the fact, but their minds are drinking in the atmosphere of your home and that's what they'll perceive as normal when they grow up. If they end up in the same situation as adults they might not know it's wrong or how to change.

Please, please go through with your decision to split - I feel certain you won't look back. Ask your solicitor's advice about how best to do this. Depending on who owns the property and cares for the children most, there will be different steps to protect your rights and assets.