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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he is really grinding my gears

15 replies

Rubyritz · 10/12/2017 21:01

My DP is making me lose the will to live.

He is so unmotivated to do anything. I'm sitting in bed because he's driving me nuts.

We've been together 8 years. DS is 5. We've been together since we were 17. Obviously as we've aged we've both changed in certain aspects.

But just lately...his lack of motivation to do anything or be able to decide anything for himself/us is rediculous.

The past 2 years he put a lot of weight on. He's not obese or anything just really
Out of shape. He's paid for a gym membership for the past 2 years and has been once so I say cancel it and I get a no. I'll say fancy going gym. He will mull it over then I get a can't be arsed.
I've tried doing healthy meals for us... I was doing SW for myself and he just sabotaged it by ordering in crap. I've put a bet on out the both of us who can loose x amount by Xmas day. He was up for it and then was eating chip shop days later.
People may say he is happy this way.... but I know he's not. He says he isn't. He won't go clothes shopping, doesn't dress the way he used to and doesn't take as much pride in his appearance as he did before.

He also can't seem to decide where to go on a night out, what he wants for tea, where to go on holiday even where to do food shopping!!! I will ask him and I will get a I don't know/ I don't mind/ not sure and we can to and fro for ages until I just pick.

He will never plan to do anything as a family. I have literally sat there all day and waited and he is quite content just sitting there.

He will pull his weight with housework if I tell him. He will sit there and let it slip until I say hang on....

It would be so nice to wake up one day and he's like get dressed we're going here or I really want to go on X holiday and make a plan to save money or he's out cutting the grass. It would be nice to not have to ask or suggest.

We literally wouldn't go anywhere or do anything if it wasn't for me apart from if it's something he really wants to do I.e- take son to football as that's his interest. But again that was sourced by me.

There are no suprises or no spontainainty within the family or the relationship.

I can't compare to other relationships as he is all I've known but... it's driving me insane. Are all men like this? Is my expectations to high? Help me!!

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 10/12/2017 21:07

He sounds like a complete waste of time and space and adds nothing to your life. Why are you with this lazyarse?? Set your expectations much higher than this ffs. My ex was very similar, notice the EX.....

Original poster

Rubyritz · 10/12/2017 21:18

Well I guess he does have good qualities as such. We reasonably get on.... he always makes me laugh... he can be supportive when I'm dealing with my rough patch with family. He has never and would never be unfaithful.

It's just not consistent. I know and hear or some guys who are far far worse so I don't always know if I have a skewed view of him sometimes

OP posts:

deepestdarkestperu · 10/12/2017 21:24

It sounds like he has depression - would he consider going to the doctor about his low mood?

I think calling him a waste of space is a bit harsh. He sounds miserable and fed up to me - and I know I felt the exact same way when I had depression. I never wanted to do anything, didn't make any decisions and often couldn't even be bothered to get a shower - I wasn't going anywhere so didn't see the point!

for you OP, I know it's not easy to live with.

username7979 · 10/12/2017 21:28

he really sounds depressed. Antidepressants and counselling could help.

anothernetter · 10/12/2017 21:29

I've nothing to add but just to say he sounds exactly like my DH (you have my sympathy - it's crap) so I will be watching this thread with interest.

SanitysSake · 10/12/2017 21:32

I think your partner is the brother from another mother to mine...

It zaps you clean out of enthusiasm or interest in even trying. I share your pain

fantasmasgoria1 · 10/12/2017 21:38

I was also going to suggest depression. My exh was like this and got much worse and he was diagnosed with mental health issues. He however never took advice and it became too much for me.

Rhynswynd · 10/12/2017 21:40

If it is a change of character from the man you knew before, it really could be depression. If he's always been like it but is recently a lot worse that is different. But from your description I would go with the former.
When I am in a depressive state, absolutely nothing interests me. I have no pride in myself or my home and do the bare minimum for all to survive. Getting me off the sofa is impossible and I don't see the point in doing anything. Something like paying for the gym and not going but not cancelling it is about right for me too as it is another defeat I can't handle.

Examine the situation from this perspective and look into any help available to you and your partner.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2017 21:41

I think a lot of guys are like this to some extent, but yours is rather extreme. You got toghether as kids, and yes people change as they age, they become who they are going to be as adults. They say 25 is thr breaking point, it’s then you change and grow into who you will be. As an adult, I suspect he’s already there and this is who he has evolved to be and will always be a variation of it.

It’s not what you wish in a partner and you’re young enough to start again, but I guess not bad enough to leave. I think you need to think is this who you wish to spend the rest of your life with?

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2017 21:42

If it is a change of character from the man you knew before

But he wasn’t a man before, he was a kid. They are still only 25. He’s just grown up into who he is as an adult.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2017 21:44

How many of us parents can say our kid at 25 is the same person as they were at 17? How many of us can say we are the same person we were at 17?

None of us.

Original poster

Rubyritz · 10/12/2017 21:50

Bluntness- it is exactly that ... not that bad to leave.

Also I need to add he is older than me he is 28. So I would of thought almost 30 he would of grown up.

He has no hobbies apart from playing on the PS4 or occasionally going out with mates.

As for help... I've broached the subject. He's refused says he doesn't want help, doesn't want to go on tablets, doesn't think he's got an issue. And I can't force it.

I just don't get like... I still want to look nice for me for him. I buy nice make up and nice clothes and take pride in my appearance hair, I buy nice pants

He doesn't as much now. Like we will go out and he will have a hissyfit cause his clothes don't fit and he looks chubby in his shirt but then won't do anything to remedy it. Like some of us women have that moment and think right that's it... I'm off to SW or WW. But he still hasn't... he will go and have a takeaway

OP posts:

StormyLovesOdd · 10/12/2017 22:37

He sounds like he has no confidence so he's letting you make all the decisions. If he could loose weight it would probably help his confidence and self esteem but you can't force him to do it. I was like this for years, hated the way I looked but couldn't be bothered to do something about it. It took a major health scare to force me to change.

If your not happy you need to talk to him but as others have said this could just be the kind of man he is. If he's not spontaneous and exciting you can't change him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/12/2017 23:19

You met when you were 17, now 25, he was 20, now 28. You hadn't yet become the people you would be.

You grew up into a person with drive, get up and go. He grew up into a person with no drive, who will happily spend all their life in the same job they find boring, doing nothing, changing nothing, griping about how lucky other people are.

You had a baby too soon. If you didn't have DS you'd have binned this boring person long ago. I'm not saying that as an accusation but to point out that it isn't surprising you turned out to be incompatible. Very few people are the same at 25 as at 17.

This doesn't have to be the rest of your life. You don't have to spend 65+ years never getting excited about things together.

You have options.

Of course, I expect the constant "not bothered" environment in your house makes you lethargic and I expect big change seems a non-starter, or at least so so difficult it has to have a massive guaranteed pay off to be worth doing. Apathy is contagious in a close partnership.

Original poster

Rubyritz · 11/12/2017 00:49

Runrabit- very accurate... he has remained in the same job for years only now just started a new job after 7+ of moaning. He did actually get off his backside and retrain without my say so. Again, because it suited him and benefitted him.

I do sometimes think... I know I would be happier on my own. I worry that I would spoil or ruin DS childhood by splitting up his family for my own selfish reasons.
I would hate to do that and end up with another man who either mistreated me or turned out to be a womaniser or violent.

I have a lot of childhood memories that puts a lot of pressure on me to try and re create something I never had- safety and stability. And in my mind I rationalise it as he is safe... I know he would never hurt me or DS our morals are the same.

I always if I chuck that away for the " grass is always greener" outlook and end up being worse off or being with someone 10x worse.

OP posts:

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