Explaining things to 8 year old...

[DownstairsMixUp]

Long story short, Dh has recently gone no contact with his toxic Mum and step dad. Obviously I support him and understand his decision, however, we've been together now since 2010 and his parents have always been involved in the kids lives. They had a massive falling out which is when Dh decided he would be happy without them, it's been over two months now though and it's become clear to us when Dh and his parents stopped talking so did any grand parent and grandson relationship. Not once in two and a bit months have we heard a thing, them asking after kids etc. They've also been down our way twice (they live 100 miles away) and not stopped to see the kids so yeah, we've drawn a line under it.

Problem is eldest ds is 8 and obviously knows. He keeps asking questions and I am not sure how to answer or what to say. My youngest is only 3 so I suppose he will forget them, I don't want to be childish or spiteful but I'm finding is hard. Anyone else been in a similar situation have any advice? Did they soon forget about them at that age? Many thanks :)

I likened it to a situation with a friend my dd was no longer spending much time with. Said that we (my grandparents and I) weren’t particularly good friends and preferred to spend time with others we had more in common with.

That was enough at that sort of age. As time went on she knew she could expect to be treated kindly and politely by people and need not try to please or convert those who weren’t. This made it easier for her to understand my grandparents weren’t my sort of people and I didn’t really like them. I didn’t give details until she was older and asked why.

That's a good way of putting it. How long till your child started asking more? At the moment it's usually just when he sees his other Nan and grandads, it prompts him I think to ask about the others... he thinks it's because he isn't loved (he is currently being assessed for adhd) so his emotions are all over the place as it is

Your DH chose to go No Contact and you agreed with this. His mum and stepfather will likely either have been told or become aware that this choice was made. Did you expect them to come to your house to visit the DGC?

You cant go No Contact and expect them to visit. I don't see how it would work

They are close to dh grandad (mils Dad) to be fair I was kind of expecting them to ask if they could see the kids when they visited him as he lives down the road to us and to be fair, Dh is reasonable, he was willing to carry on letting them see the dc if that was how they wanted to do it. But we were wrong, obviously.

We are in this exact situation. Well, sort of. My dc and I are NC with MIL and Step-FIL. My dh has very low contact, mostly just occasional texting and maybe a few phone calls a year, basically just to make sure she's not dead. Ours are younger than yours though. We haven't explained it in so many words as we've mostly been able to just avoid the subject when questions come up (our oldest is 4, just started school so we were sort of intentionally waiting until she settled a bit in school as we didn't want to upset her, she's mostly peacefully oblivious to it all).

I think what you say a bit depends on the context and what happened, but especially with an 8 year old, I think you can be fairly honest but without being unfairly unkind. What we plan to say when it comes up is that granny was really mean to mummy and daddy and did some hurtful things and until she apologises and sorts out what she did, she can't come to see us anymore. In actually, SFIL is a convicted paedophile with a history of serious sexual offenses against a child and MIL facilitated his access to our dd and other children in the family and sees nothing wrong with that and lied to us about it to cover her own bum (and his). It's a pretty serious situation and there is likely no chance she'll ever see our kids again. But the truth is that she wasn't kind to us (lied and put our dc at risk of abuse) and she hasn't apologised or accepted any responsibility for that (she thinks we're the crazy ones for making a big deal out of 'nothing'). The specifics aren't important and aren't age appropriate and they may not be in your case either, but I think children that age can understand not wanting to be close to someone because they've hurt you and been unkind and they aren't good people. I would frame it in that light and be fairly honest about it, without as you say being spiteful.

We haven't had contact for over a year now and though my dd asked about them quite a bit to start, she rarely mentions them now unless she sees a photo or something reminds her of them. Our youngest will have never met them, so bit easier there.

I should add, as for their choice not to see the kids, I think unfortunately in these sorts of situations, lots of people have a hard time admitting they are wrong. They'd rather bury their heads in the sand than be adults and deal with a situation like adults. In our case (above), MIL (not step-FIL) was given a chance to continue to see our dc. But it was under certain conditions (given the previous risk of abuse), supervised only, and we asked her to do certain things first, including answering some questions we posed about his history and his contact with our dd in the past and then attending family counseling sessions with us. She refused and said she'd rather not see our dc (her only grandchildren) than do any of those things. So it really was her choice to go NC, though we have enforced it now that she's made it. I think it's because she knows she did a horrible thing, but she's so codependent with her partner that she can't bring herself to actually say that because he controls her and tells her we're wrong and manipulating her, etc. I think people just think these things will just blow over if they ignore them long enough, which might have worked in previous generations, but now I think people know this sort of behaviour isn't normal and there are support networks out there for all of us to reach out to and that's unlikely to happen.

Thanks mind. Your situation seems a lot harder than ours to be fair.. Dh has took years of being second best to his sister who is honestly the most manipulative person I've met and they abused him as a child (alcoholics) so I do wonder if I should just say they were very mean to daddy and we've decided to not be friends anymore...

Thanks mind to your recent post yes I think that's true. They are both playing down their problems, they have never admitted even being alcoholics for example and deny any abuse to Dh, he recalls it clear as day. I think they would rather never see the kids than admit any wrong doing. I try to see the best in people, hence why I thought they might like to see their grandsons through Dh grandad, my Dh said I was naive and clearly didn't know his parents much.. I just thought most people would like to maintain contact with two young grandsons; never mind!