Anyone up for a poly thread?

[WinchestersInATardis]

Poly has come up on a few threads but I thought it might be nice for us polyfolk (or the poly curious) to have a thread to discuss the ins and outs.

I'm in the middle of some relationship changes and have been thinking a lot about it recently.

I'm also reading 'Off the relationship escalator: uncommon love and life' by Amy Gahran which is really interesting and has made me realise how 'poly' is a small word that covers so many different relationship options.

I guess I'm wondering how you define poly for you, how many of you are 'out' to family, friends or even at work (no, yes, no for me there), how everyone structures or identifies their relationships (I identify as solo poly mostly) and handles the scheduling (tricky)!

(For those who don't know what poly is, this set of FAQs sets it out nicely:
www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html)

I won't do internet dating again. Too much room for misunderstanding; too many men who think non-monogamy = NSA sex. (Too many women for that matter, too.) I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than deal with pawing, clawing loons whose idea of a conversation and engendering intimacy is a pic of a dick and a "your place or mine."

Dolores, I think some men tend to interpret any slightly “unconventional and sex positive” attitude as an excuse to be vulgar and weird? It’s like “she’s open about sex” = “she wants to perform physical acts on ME, no matter how weird or lazy or repulsive I am”

Remember thanks for sharing, what website were you using? I’m thinking of having a go on okcupid at some point soon?

Chiara that’s actually a very good point, about people being in poly without really defining it? I actually think that having some sort of “don’t ask don’t tell” “seperate lives” set up might work for me.

The thing is (as with all relationships) is to be very cautious not to have anyone with an exploitative/dishonest/user/CF personality type in this set-up?

If it arises organically then it would be great, but I can imagine a lot of married guys thinking “great, I can drop in for a bunk-up, offer no contribution and then go home to the wife”.

I know a churchgoing colonels wife who actually says she wished she’d agreed to an open relationship .

The thing is, she’d raised two stepchildren and essentially lived a separate life to her husband since her 30s, so although her primary relationship was “great” she was basically functioning as a single parent with no support.

Husband was a nice guy but I think he had secretly calculated that for him domestically, having a loyal wife keeping the home fires burning whilst he worked in x career abroad with a huge amount of social status was well worth it

she suspected him of affairs but really if he was working in Geneva for six months she couldn’t do anything about it? She loved him, but if they’d come to “an arrangement” at least she Wouldn’t have been the “mug” keeping everything going with no support.

Monogamy seems to work wonderfully for some people, but I agreed with a lot if solidgoldbrasses thinking that its about power, Wifework, and control of women’s time and labour.

I’ve dated some very conventionally attractive men who are desperate to get me into a monogamous relationship even though I’m a bit more “let’s see what happens”

It isn’t necessarily sexual jealousy, I feel.

What they want, and why they want me to be The Girlfriend asap, is someone to take on the nightmare MIL or “keep the flat nice and be waiting” whilst they do X jet setting high status job

and then in five years time I’ll be “the boring her indoors type”

The thing is (as with all relationships) is to be very cautious not to have anyone with an exploitative/dishonest/user/CF personality type in this set-up?

Totally. I've had my fair share of those - usually the ones who are vocal poly-will-change-the-world advocates. I think generally that if we're lucky enough to find what works for us, poly or no or something else, then that's about as good as it gets.

Oh absolutely, talkers are the worst!

I think there are “some” men who will manipulate/say anything to get sex and/or control/ access to women?

So they’ll be all “yes, I really buy into this” for ANYTHING?

It’s like “I’ve talked about my feelings and emotions and needs and vulnerability in clear communication NOW WHY ARENT YOU F**KING DOING WHAT I WANT!”

Lundy Bancrofts Mr Sensitive type comes to mind. They like lurking round support groups and meditation circles looking for “alternative” women in a vulnerable situations to latch onto.

And conversely, I also know a strong advocate for women’s rights , hippy type, counsellor, Green Party, really politically saying the right things, who would lure men in claiming that it was just “poly sexual experimentation” .

So she’d get men who (in the nicest possible way) wouldn’t really consider properly dating her to come over to hers for this free, no strings, sexual experimentation .

then start talking and coming up with reasons to redefine them as her “primary boyfriend” and guilt trip/ stalk them into going along with it until they made a break, at which point she’d play the victim.

Another question? So far my friends and my children are not aware of the nature of my relationships. They think I have a partner and some "friends" who I might go out for a drink with.

My daughter lives with me and is a teenager. I'd like her to understand more about this, mostly so that I can see people without having to lie to her. That doesn't feel good to me.

Any advice on what to say to your kids and friends?

I honestly don't know the answer to that. My DC are so far young enough that it hasn't come up and I don't have a primary partner. As far as friends, some of mine know but I tend to not mention it to other people if I don't know them well. I do move in fairly hippy/arty circles so a lot of my friends are already accepting of different relationships or are poly themselves.
It really would be so nice to be open about it with everyone but you often just don't know how people will react. There are so many misconceptions.
Hoping someone will come along and let us know how they did it, especially with family.

My DS doesn't know. I see no need to tell him, actually. Not that I'm hiding it from him, but I felt no need to explain a monogamous situation, so why should this be different? That's my feeling about it anyway.

I think sometimes if we can approach things like this as "no big deal" (because they really aren't: it's just a way of relating), then they're generally received as such far more.

I've also noticed that it has been my own fears about being judged that have held me back. As soon as I accepted my life for what it was, and my choices for what they were, then how others felt was totally irrelevant and hasn't bothered me in the slightest.

I actually think , “I have friends” is fine if X is a long term lover? Anything else maybe a bit TMI? (and oversexualising things?)

People who are friends spend weekends together.

Like most love affairs, I think people easily guess what the status quo is (and if they’re decent people they won’t be overly nosy/prurient)
I have a “main friend” and we’re very close, emotionally and practically.

I think his lovely, lovely mum has guessed that when I’m “on holiday with my other male friend” it’s really not necessarily looking at museums together! But her son is happy with his respectful interaction with me, so it’s nothing to comment on.

Oh, interesting thread! Not sure if I identify as "poly" but I'm definitely non-monogamous. Interested in hearing about other people's experiences!

My husband and I have been using Feeld, does anyone else use that App?

Oh I hadn't heard of feeld. I'm not actually looking for someone else at the moment but might in a few months.
How's it been working out?

Agree “it’s not a big deal” is a good attitude to have, although other people can be knobs!

I’ve never used the “p” word, but I have been in situations where I’m happily dating “casually” (not looking for a progressive relationship)

even though I don’t talk about it, am not on social media etc of course in a big workplace/social group people “guess”

I’ve encountered:

(1) people looking for a fight or some sort of “debate” on relationships, as if I’ve identified myself as some “spokesperson” rather than a private individual bumbling along doing mindfully what suits me best.

(2) really skeezy desperate men who think that “non monogamous” = “no boundaries and oversexualised and will do anything with anyone” . Often all faux flattery and “admire my independence” ( basically hoping that Im going to come up with lurid sex tales/invites for their titillation and my humiliation)

(3) married men, see above.

(3) the kind of controlling person who makes a game out of extracting private information and getting others to “justify themselves” to them?

(4) People claiming non monogamy is some sort of “consolation prize” because I clearly can’t get a white wedding a mondeo, and a shitload of Wifework (all women want this)

Or who wants to set up someone as the “slaggy creepy oddball figure of fun”? “Look at x, she’s bragging about her multiple lovers!”