Computer use - not porn!

[TheFimbleFowl]

Sorry not a very exciting thread, but I need to have a conversation with DP, and would be so grateful for some help to navigate this.

He is generally great. Kind supportive and loving. But he can be a bit selfish at times, and he really doesn’t take criticism well. In the past when I’ve not been happy about things I’ve not said anything until I get upset, then it’s handled badly by both of us, he’s defensive, and things get blown out of all proportion. I really want to do better this time!

I’ve got a number of concerns but actually I think the root cause of most of it is that he’s got into the habit of sitting at his computer for hours at a time. He’s not pulling his weight around the house, and he’s not doing stuff with his sons when they visit (he sorts out food etc... but doesn’t really do anything with them). He does cook for us in the evening but doesn’t start doing so until later than I’d like - again because he’s just finishing what he’s doing on the computer. I end up sitting alone when I’ve got my kids to bed while he finally cooks, and then we eat only an hour or so before we go to bed.

I think it’s also affecting his health. He’s pretty demotivated at the moment which he acknowledges and puts down to lack of exercise and beer. He’s cutting down on the beer as he wants to do something about it but I think the computer use is playing a part in this.

Probably worth adding that I want to be with him very much, but not on these terms, and I can manage without him just fine. But obviously I can’t just lay down the law and say turn off your computer or move out, he needs to agree that there’s an issue and we need to agree how we approach it together.

Has anyone had this issue and solved it? Also am I being fair here?

Just to give a feel for the scale, on weekdays it’s just a couple of hours in the evening and then he will come and be with me, but without fail there’s around an hour wasted because he’s delayed cooking (of course it’s only wasted from my perspective - he has enjoyed that hour, but why should it be every evening). Today he will probably get up late (which is fine) but then spend the entire afternoon and early evening on the computer unless I get us doing something. His kids are here today.

I’m really hoping that we can have a constructive conversation about this and come up with compromises as I don’t want to take away all his leisure time. I fear a massive row!

He sounds similar to my xh, both in terms of computer use and also reacting badly to any criticism to the point that I felt anxious about raising any sort of grievance.

I can only offer sympathy, because nothing I tried ever worked for long before the use started to creep back up again. He would often say he had to do something important, that I couldn't argue with : checking work emails, ordering something for the dc, looking something up for the dc's homework, downloading a movie for us all to watch. Of course those things should take half an hour, not a whole day. He got so angry if I walked in and saw he was doing something else that I stopped doing it and left him to it.

The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel and agree a time limit. If he loves you, he'll work with you. If he doesn't, you'll know where you are in his list of priorities.

Sorry but I think YABU. If he's not pulling his weight around the house then that is a separate issue, but you really can't dictate how your partner spends his leisure time. You clearly know this, and that's why you know you can't 'lay down the law' and yet you're still now looking for another way to change his behaviour.

It's not yours to change.

Would he get the message if you started cooking if it's getting to the time you want to eat or would you end up doing the cooking ever after? Maybe approach it like you're getting indigestion or struggling to sleep as you're eating too late. I think dealing with the knock on impacts it is having rather than pointing the finger and suggesting he has a 'problem' might make him more amenable.

It was the beginning of the end of my marriage when my exh got himself a laptop that he could take around the house with him, including in bed where he would spend hours day and night glued to it. Not porn either but a special interest forum he was obsessed with. The relationship never recovered and it was just another excuse to opt out of family life.

So I know exactly what you mean. You can't stop him but you can definitely express concern especially if he is ignoring his own children. That is not on.

I understand this issue. I'm afraid I don't have a happy ending.
I felt great loneliness in my relationship of over 20 years as my husband preferred to spend more of his leisure time with a machine and the Internet than me when at home.
We now live separately, and after some grieving on my part, I no longer feel lonely in my own home.
I learnt that you can feel lonely and unhappy even when your husband is in the same house with you, but you don't feel he is with you.

Thanks everyone it really helps to have some outside perspective.

RainyApril I shouldn’t have your particular issue as all he is doing is playing games so its not going to be that sort of debate. And our last big blow up was around me tiptoeing around him and I made it quite clear that this wasn’t going to happen anymore and he had to speak to me politely.

Relief the issue isn’t what he’s doing in his leisure time, the issue is how much time he’s spending and when he’s choosing to do it as it has an effect in other people.

Bananaman if I start to cook he tells me to stop, don’t worry, he’ll do it. And to be fair he’s much better at it than me and enjoys it. Also if it’s left til then it’s the same issue as I can’t start cooking til I’ve got my kids to bed.

And I thing the approach you’re suggesting is what I need to do, it’s just finding the right moment and saying the right things

Goodclearout he’s a good dad but (like me, I fully admit it) will stick the kids on devices or out the tv on to make life easier. I think the difference though is that I’ll be thinking that this will see then through for an hour or so and we’ll then go do something, whereas he’ll switch the computer on and time will just pass

Cassini that’s where I fear us heading. I don’t think we’re anywhere near it and I know he loves me, but it needs sorting now.

I'd ignore the pp who criticised you for dictating how he spends his leisure time.

It's not how he spends his leisure time, it's how many hours of leisure time he thinks he's entitled to, it's the encroachment on his household and parenting responsibilities, it's about being grumpy when it's time to stop (anyone with a teenager knows how they behave when they're asked to put their phone away, and it's a bit like that!), and just generally opting out of family life. I used to feel very hurt that he'd rather spend time on the pc than with us, and it was like the thin edge of the wedge, just creating more distance over time.

It was games with my xh too, op. The other things were excuses to get on the pc. Nothing was as interesting as the games, nothing could compete or lure him away.

It seems as though the whole household revolves around his computer activity.
He is basically does what he wants when he wants and everyone has to fit in around him.
His priorities are skewed and rather than compromise he will argue with you so that he gets what he wants.
You can try the reasonable route but the chances of this working are very slim.
He is entrenched in his own behaviour that puts his needs above everyone else...it's probably why he was an ex before you met him.

I know how you feel. My DH used to have a habit of playing strategy games with others online, and these could go on for hours and hours - think 6-7 hours at a time. One night I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 4am, as the sun was rising and he was still up. We had plans that day to go out. I say this as someone who plays games myself so I am not opposed to leisure time in that way. He would ignore me throughout the duration of the game and would answer me speaking to him sometimes 10-15 mins after I had spoken. It was awful. I spoke to him about it after I could take no more and although he was resistant to begin with he eventually realised how much he was putting aside to pursue this and cut the hours right down until finally he stopped playing these games altogether.

I think it's all about acceptability and whether it impacts on others around you. Can you maybe discuss it with him in a way that isn't critical, rather raise it as something that you are concerned by because it feels like he is 'checking out' of things around the house. If he's defensive, chances are he's well aware he has an issue but isn't ready to own up to it yet. I'm not saying pussyfoot around him but maybe change your tack so that you can get him to at least open a dialogue.

Realistically it's his leisure time to do with as he pleases but it says to me that there might be something going a bit skewy if he's choosing that over time with his kids, for example. Is he depressed? My DH's heavy gaming came at a time when we had lost a baby and it was an escape - unhealthy, granted.

Another not happy ending here I'm afraid. Excessive computer use ended my marriage, and also another subsequent relationship.

My marriage: My ex husband would basically spend ALL his time gaming, Guild Wars and the like or Second Life, and leave me to do everything. I gave him an ultimatum and he made an effort for about a month, but it reared its ugly head again. At that point I knew he wasn't going to change, and so I packed my stuff and left. I was in a position to do that though, I realise it's not something everyone can do.

The relationship: Essentially my ex was OBSESSED with messing about on Facebook and also gaming. Again, he would leave me to do everything, and when I tried to talk to him, all I got were one word answers etc, so I got pissed off with that. At one point I wrote on his bloody FB wall to tell him I'd had enough of him being glued to the thing, and his mates saw it, and he got mad. I hate FB with a passion. The worst thing was, he was basically just flirting with everyone who would entertain him, and talk like he was god's gift to women.

Unless you nip this in the bud ASAP, it'll just escalate I'm afraid.

Update! I did speak to him and he was surprisingly amenable, very different to how we were 6 months ago. He didn’t try to argue that he wasn’t pulling his weight and said hed take my comments on board.

I’m hopeful!

This happened in my marriage and subsequent relationship. Exh was v annoying and still can't talk to me for 2 minuted at drop off without checking his phone etc.

Exp couldn't leave the fucking iPad. Crunch time was when we had his ds who lived abroad finally over to see us and we were all playing at home and exp just retreated and got the iPad out - I wanted to smash it over his head and I knew our relationship was over