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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I expecting too much?

16 replies

justanotherday4 · 10/12/2017 00:26

Genuine question, I don’t know whether I’m being overly sensitive and therefore harsh on dh or if my feelings are justified. Basically he’s self employed and works 6 days a week plus most evenings, usually home briefly for tea, we have 1 ds and I work part time. So Sunday’s are typically our day the 3 of us together which I greatly look forward to. But recently I’ve felt like he’s less than enthusiastic come Sunday morning, can’t shake the feeling that he feels his time could be better spent doing his own thing and it came to a head tonight when he said “look whatever u want to do tomorrow fine but I really want to watch the football in the afternoon” writing this I know I am most likely over reacting but I just don’t get how on his one little family day of the week he wants to go and do his own thing especially when the plan is to do some Christmas shopping and take ds to see Santa. I’m also aghast at the way he seemed to be asking me if he was allowed, further making me feel like he’s being forced into these family days..... am I just completely over sensitive ?

OP posts:
NickyNora · 10/12/2017 00:30

Did you explain how you felt?

Do you do family stuff every Sunday?

Maybe hes just tired & needs abit of R & R?

PNGirl · 10/12/2017 00:38

If I worked 6 days a week I would want at least 2 Sundays a month to sit on the sofa and decompress. Plus, it's a big Sunday if you like football - there's the Manchester and Liverpool derbies. I think I'd at the very least compromise and do the Santa thing in the morning.

justanotherday4 · 10/12/2017 00:40

Hi! Em yes it is pretty much every Sunday although a lot of the time we don’t even leave the house or go too far anyway! Yes I did and he just got defensive and said “fine I don’t have to go” but I’d rather be just did now than walk about wishing he was elsewhere!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 10/12/2017 00:41

I know it is traditional on MN to all pile in to any man who dare like football, but, tbf, it is a big game tomorrow.

Can you see Father Christmas in the morning, then leave your dc with him to watch the football match and you do whatever Christmas shoppping you need? It will be far easier to do on your own than with a reluctant partner and a small child in tow. ?

justanotherday4 · 10/12/2017 00:46

He’ll be heading to the pub to watch it so no option to take lo. I guess I just enjoy that little bit of help on a Sunday/ company because it’s usually just me and lo the rest of the week. Thank you all for your help so far, I didn’t realise was a big game either.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 10/12/2017 00:56

Tbh I don't think I could coparent a child with someone who works all day and all evening Mon-Sat because that is A Lot of Time without adult company. Of course most Sundays you should get a break, for your relationship as well as your DS, but I can understand him resenting what "the plan" is if what that really means is "your schedule for Sunday".
If he initially agreed to go shopping then changed his mind, that's a bit crap.

Offred · 10/12/2017 01:05

Yes it’s a big day for football later today and it’s on sky so if you don’t have sky then he can’t watch it at home, though plenty of families will be watching it together in our local...

That said I don’t think that explains his general reluctance to be part of family life all the other sundays which don’t have the derbies on...

Strikes me this could be solved with better communication from him TBH.

Rather than being stroppy he could have explained it was a big day for footy, said he’d come to Santa next Sunday/in the morning and asked if you both wanted to come to the pub for lunch and/or stay for the football.

He could also explain if he is tired, carve out some resting time and reassure the op that he’s just tired and it’s not that he hates spending time with her and their son.

Does he need to be working 6 days per week? Is there a good reason for this?

justanotherday4 · 10/12/2017 01:21

Thanks to all for your opinions, really appreciate them.

He’s been self employed for 7 years, at the start it was a massive struggle but he’s gradually built up lots of customers and the past 6 months have been particularly busy. It’s hard for him to turn down work because the same person likely won’t call twice so I do get it. The more I lie here and think about it the more I think I am slightly resentful at him never turning down work due to childcare because it’s always just assumed I am here but I can hardly get a chance to get 10 mins to myself.... also to me our ds is the most amazing little person on this planet and considering dh works so much I just wish he could muster up a little more excitement about his day off with the family. So I suppose I have worked out this is about more than just the football match.... Mumsnet is so useful lol

OP posts:
Offred · 10/12/2017 01:23

It’s not really sustainable for him to continue working 6 days a week forever despite his business doing well, he should be able to hand some of the responsibility to staff.

But that said, if you are feeling that way re your son and his involvement (lack of) in family life and childcare then you also need to communicate that properly to him.

Disquieted1 · 10/12/2017 01:25

If you're self-employed you take the work when you can. There will be many lean days, weeks or even months.

If he is working flat out for his family for six days a week, surely he can have the space to watch the football and have a beer?

Offred · 10/12/2017 01:27

I don’t the point is that he is working flat out ‘for the family’ the op feels he is working flat out and opting out of the family.

And I don’t think it is about the op feeling he isn’t ‘allowed’ to watch some footy and have a beer ever either.

It’s about the op feeling like his work has taken over absolutely everything and her and their son are being treated like an invonvenience.

He doesn’t need to be so arsey either.

justanotherday4 · 10/12/2017 01:31

I think he works partly for the family but mainly for himself, he is a worker and totally thrives on it. We’re fortunate enough to be mortgage free and what I earn from my part time work covers almost everything at the moment.

OP posts:
Offred · 10/12/2017 01:31

This kind of thing is exactly that leads to wives leaving because their husband isn’t present in the family and they feel abandoned an alone. And then very frequently those men feel hard done to because they didn’t consider that they needed to put at least some effort into their relationships with their wives and children.

Offred · 10/12/2017 01:33

Well then i’m not at all surprised you feel so crap about it!

If he doesn’t need to work at all and his business is doing well it is a choice for him to be working so much!

gg1234 · 10/12/2017 01:38

If I worked 6 days a week and also some evening I would atleast need that free day to just switch off and relax.So just be in your hubby shoes and thubj practically. You can although ask him to put half day family and half day as rest .Hope it works for you

gg1234 · 10/12/2017 01:40

But if he makes a constant absence from family time .You should then think and talk to him about it .

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