Finally decided to leave but what to do about house and baby due in May

[babyoven32]

My partner is abusive. It's taken a long time to accept it for what it is, but there's no mistaking it. He's an alcoholic too although not accepting of this himself.

We have one DS and a DD on the way (due May). My issue is I know I want to leave him, but don't know how/when etc.

I am currently living at my mums because we have been extending and refurbishing our house since Oct 16. He is a builder and doing it on the side of his day job and it has dragged on and on. I moved out 2 months ago because it wasn't really safe for our 2 year old, because I couldn't bare living in those conditions and because it makes him even more unbearable to be around than usual. I don't even need to ask if he is abusive anymore because every time I see or speak to him he is vile in one way or another. It has worsened since becoming pregnant and the abuse escalated massively with my first pregnancy and I recently read that this is when abuse can start in a relationship.

Anyway, the house isn't finished and I don't really know how much longer it's going to take. He isn't exactly rushing to finish it and financially we can't afford to pay anyone else to do it. The state it is in means we defo won't get the money we would/could/should if it were finished or at least more habitable than it currently is. So I feel a bit stuck. I want to move on but can't and wonder if he uses the house to control the situation. I also feel that I've waited so long for it to be done and put so much into it myself that I'd like to get some enjoyment out of the finished product.

Then there's DD - I am nearly 20 weeks pregnant and therefore due to be on maternity come April time and don't know how we will cope financially if we leave. Will i even be able to afford a house of my own? And if I rent, I won't be able to take the maternity I really want and deserve. I work so hard (partner would never ever entertain idea of a SAHM long term) and I was so looking fwd to quality time with my DS again before he starts school as well as that precious time with baby girl. Should I stick it out until I have completed my maternity leave? I know that sounds selfish on my part but he has taken so much from me emotionally I don't even care anymore - I just need to put myself and my children first and figure as he works 6 days, I'll barely see him anyway and will just put up with it. It's been 8 years, another year until I'm back in work and independent again can't hurt!!

I realise I just need to get out, but it really isn't that simple. I just want to do what will benefit myself and my children the most long term - and financial stability is a huge part in that.

What does everyone else think?

Can you keep living with your Mum?

Not really no. I'm already sharing a room and a bed with my 2 year old, adding a third into the mix isn't really going to work for any of us!

Plus it still leaves me losing out financially. The house is both of ours and we pay the mortgage 50/50. He put in a bigger deposit - but we both put in everything we had and we are tenants in common 50/50.

did you tell him how much he upsets you?

Yes, but it's makes no difference. Sometimes he accepts it and apologises, but more often than not Im wrong for feeling this way, he doesn't do anything wrong and it's all my fault. Its always worse when he's been drinking. Ive resorted to secretly recording his behaviour because he is very good at making me question everything afterwards. He is very good at minimising and making out he doesn't do anything wrong or nasty. The way he speaks to me is getting worse and worse and I am at the point where I no longer like him.

I think you need to tell him it's over. And you want the house finished and sold. Not sure if you would be entitled to be housed by the Local Authority in your situation. You could phone Shelter and see what they advise.

Just carry on living at your Mum's for the time being. Does he actually think you will be moving into your house soon? Maybe he also thinks it would be better that you split up. I think you need to say something rather than just leave it. Even if you were fairly happy in your marriage it would still be a difficult situation for both of you.

if he is alcoholic then I don't see much chance. make your way out for yours and your dc sake.

Have you been on the entitle to website to check what benefits you might be able to claim?

I think it’s worth you doing some digging to get the information you need to find out where you’d stand and what you need to do to separate. You’ll feel more empowered and like you have choices if you do.

How much more work is needed on the house? How long does he expect it to take to get to a state where it’s ok for kids to live there?

I am planning to leave, but my timing is important if I don't want to be left out of pocket. I can't just leave my home permanently - I won't get housing that way and I will almost certainly struggle to get back myshare financially.

I'm trying very hard to look at this practically rather than emotionally. I need to get more legal advice, but currently it's not looking that rosey if I just leave, so I need to make sure I get my share of the house and wondered if I anyone didn't think my reasons for sticking it out a bit longer weren't complete lunacy!!

How long is a piece of string?! He's been telling me we are nearly there for so long, I just don't know anymore.
I imagine in the next month it'll get there. The living room was being plastered yesterday, the kitchen is mostly fitted, just waiting on that to be finished, plus flooring, work surfaces and painting. I've done what I can - sand rooms, paint, etc etc.
We still need to do bathrooms, stairs, hallways etc.

I’d stick it out for as long as you can to get the house to a respectable state. I’d look at getting legal advice about how/if/how much an occupation order would be.

Do you have assets in you name you could sell to get you through if you needed to rent somewhere until the house could be sold?

Unfortunately no assets other than the house. I have a good job, so can survive on my share of the house when I finally get settled again, but need to think carefully how I handle this. I don't expect him to be nice or reasonable about anything as he can't even do that now. It's like I got pregnant (which we planned) and he completely turned on me. I can't say or do anything right. It was like this last time (unplanned) but I genuinely believed it would be different this time. Last time he used the baby as his excuse, but the behaviour is the same this time, only he isn't blaming the baby, but I am certain that's what it is. I'm hoping he'll become better when she arrives to make it more tolerable until a time when we sell and go our separate ways. He knows I'm unhappy but I think he believes I'm trapped and won't be going anywhere. His behaviour last time I was preg was far worse and I stayed, so he probably assumes the same this time. I've allowed it.

Of course he can be lovely. It's not all doom and gloom or I wouldn't have probably stuck around. But in recent months he has progressively got worse and I don't want this life anymore. He is too unpredicatable and I don't want our children to believe that is how you treat someone you are supposed to love.

I need to just add that he completely changed when DS arrived, took some time but we lived mostly happily after his arrival. All those feelings of anger and resentment have surfaced again now im pregnant though.

Have you seen a solicitor? It would probably be worth your while getting a free half hour with a good solicitor - they should be able to give you some helpful advice.

I would definitely stick it out for a bit longer if you think that another month would make a significant difference to the state of the house, even if it still isn't completely finished. Also have a word with local estate agents - buyers are often keen on houses that they can put their own stamp on by finishing themselves.

Good luck.

I'd get a much advice as possible about your entitlement to benefits so you know where you are. As you're safe at your mum's I'd be tempted to stay there in the short term if it means the house will be in a better state.

Do you know what the value of your half of the equity will be (assuming the house is habitable?) does that plus what you can borrow mortgage wise give you enough to buy something else?

I think I would spend this time gathering as much info as possible. For example would you be better off dropping your hours at work to entitle yourself to increased tax credits? What is the position with childcare?

I know it's a squash at your mums but if she's ok with it I'd stay there as long as possible and put yourself in the strongest position possible. Good luck.